[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 45

habromania: delusions of happiness

» author's pov // present »

jaemin woke up to the sound of ara gagging and running to get up.

"ara!" he threw off his blanket and got up, coming over to support her body weight as they made it to the bathroom.

she threw up into the toilet as jaemin rubbed her back and tied her hair into a ponytail.

she crossed her arms over the toilet and placed her head on her arms, gasping for air. jaemin helped her up and brushed her teeth for her.

ara began crying halfway through with toothpaste foam in her mouth, making jaemin smile a little bit.

"i didn't even eat yet," she cried. his smile fell.

he mustered up what felt like a genuine-looking smile for her benefit and hugged her. "we'll get over this together. c'mon. let's try."

he took her back to her room.

——

» na jaemin's pov // present »

"miyeon, i think we should talk," i said to her. it was late at night, and ara was already asleep.

she laughed. "what's up with the somber mood?" she walked to me and we stood in the middle of her living room. i was reminded of how tall she was even when compared to me, especially because she was a model. we stood almost eye to eye now.

"our relationship."

her face crumpled, and i knew that she was smart enough to guess what i was going to say.

"i'm sorry, miyeonie." i begged for her to forgive me with my eyes. "i love ara."

"you love ara more," she repeated, numb. "more than me. again."

"i couldn't do this to you anymore. i'm sorry i have to tell you this."

"i'm sorry this happened too. to be honest, i didn't think we were meant to be but i was hoping...maybe..."

"i'm sorry, miyeon."

"don't worry, jaemin," she patted my shoulder weakly. "we're all good. let's just take care of..."–her voice broke–"ara."

my heart fluttered at her name, despite everything. "yeah."

——

» lee taeyong's pov // present »

i was free to leave the hospital. a few nurses tried flirting with me while i was there, but i told all of them i already had a girlfriend.

had. she hadn't visited me the whole time i was at the hospital.

as i sat on my bed waiting for my forms to be filled, the woman herself came in with two doctors and jaemin trailing behind her.

ara was laughing with the doctors. "oh no, i just got into a fight with another girl. she was flirting with my boyfriend and talking bad about me." she glanced at me, and hurt flashed in her eyes before turning empty again. "and him! he did all of those as a stupid 'man dare'," she joked.

i knew what she was doing. korea never took suicides serioudly until it happened, and even then, they would only grieve it when it was a celebrity or somebody else famous. jaemin came over and put a hand on my shoulder despite our history, giving me silent support.

"ha!" the doctors laughed at ara's joke.

"make sure you don't kill yourself trying to take care of that guy–he was a pain to take care of," one of them said.

jaemin and i burned a hole into ara's back with our eyes as they joked around.

eventually, we got the papers and left with a note to simply "watch taeyong carefully". the silence was painful as jaemin drove us all home.

he dropped us off in front of our house and quickly gave ara a smile before frowning at me.

i turned to face ara once jaemin entered his home.

"i'm sorry."

she avoided looking at me. "let's go inside and talk."

——

i was sitting down as ara stood in front of me.

i took a deep breath. "i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i hurt you; i'm sorry that i'm not the guy of your dreams. we'll never be happy because i'll always be trying to hurt you and then i'll end up hurting you badly and i'll never forgive myself and then i'll kill myself. i'm sorry, ara. i'm sorry," i said.

ara was crying with crumpled tissues in one hand. "taeyong," she said coldly, "i hate you." my head was down. "i love you so much, so why won't you give me love? why don't you see your doctor again? why don't you take more pills? why don't you try?"

i tensed, preparing for anger. "i stopped taking my pills a while ago."

ara gasped. "why?"

"because...they made me dizzy and nauseous and it made me drowsy and i can't think with them. i can't be me."

"oh, so you prefer the 'real' you, where you hit the person you supposedly 'love' so much?" she said mockingly. "nice."

i remained quiet.

"taeyong...should we break up?"

"n-no..." i managed.

"we have to, taeyong, we have to. i'm doing this because i love you."

before i even realized it, i was grabbing her wrists and pulling her forward.

she pulled her hands free and placed them on my shoulders. "you can let me go..." she simply stated. "find yourself before you love another person."

my head snapped up at how serious she sounded compared to the weak threats from before. "stop joking. now is not the time."

"i'm not joking." she was cold, emotionless. a pang of hurt went through me, and even worse, a flash of fear.

"no. you cheated on me, didn't you? with jaemin. that's why you're doing this."

her eyes widened, tears threatening to spill. her tough image broke. "why...why would i ever cheat on you? when have i ever not loved you?"

i bowed my head. "you're right. i'm sorry. i don't deserve you."

she smiled bitterly. "glad you finally realized." she took her hands off my shoulders and brushed it through my hair affectionately. "i still love you, though. i'll be waiting for...you. waiting for us."

i laughed at her lie. i knew she was already moving on.