[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 44

sphallolalia: flirtatious talk that leads to nowhere

» cho miyeon's pov // present »

ara was sleeping on my bed, obviously still in shock. i was spoon-feeding her during every meal, which she would only accept to eat one per day. every other meal she'd throw up and just cry which was inconvenient and frustrating after a while. i loved her, but i couldn't take care of her forever.

i took her to the bathroom and forced her to brush her teeth and shower. she hated doing it until she actually finished; which then she'd thank me after seeing how refreshed she felt.

she was in my room with a towel wrapped around her as i went through my closet and picked out comfortable, baggy pajamas where she couldn't see her body. already, i had hid all the scales in the house, covered the calories on all the food, and covered all the mirrors. body dysmorphia was an old friend of mine and i knew she wouldn't want to see herself or anything to trigger her eating disorder.

"miyeon?" she called out as she finished changing.

"yeah, ara?"

"do you think i'm going to be okay?" she asked in a small voice, sounding more kid-like than ever. but not in an immature way, just as if she needed adults in her life now. and i would be that person for her.

"i can't promise that it'll be okay today, or soon, or ever. but i want you to try your best to be okay because you have lots of people who love you. and love will save us all."

ara sobbed into my chest and i rubbed her back and began humming. Somehow, we traveled over to her bed and fell asleep in my arms.

when she fell deeper into sleep, i saw jaemin walk into the room. perfect. we needed to talk.

——

» na jaemin's pov // present »

miyeon sat down with me on the edge of the bed and patted my knee. "ara... she needs support right now. i make more money than you do so i think that i should go to work and you should stay home and take care of her. keep her comfortable, warm, and clean, okay? and active too. don't be shy to get close to her. and if you mess anything up," she glared, "i will kill you myself, boyfriend or no boyfriend. right now, she is my responsibility. i will do anything to keep her safe. watch her carefully."

i gulped. "yes, ma'am."

she laughed affectionately. "thank you, jaemin. can i...?" she licked her lips and leaned forward. i realized that she wanted a kiss. shoving all the guilt i shouldn't have felt away, i leaned in and kissed her quickly.

i broke the kiss and stared into her eyes, so full of love for me.

why couldn't it be ara?

i shoved that disgusting thought away.

——

» kwan ara's pov // present »

after a few painful days of waiting around, sleeping, chores, not eating, i was finally allowed to visit. the whole time, i had been waiting in jaemin and miyeon's house, careful not to attract any attention since they were trying their relationship again and i was already taking up all their room.

but i wasn't ready. and so, like the coward i was, i didn't go visit lee taeyong.

my bad.

——

» kwan ara's pov // present »

i was trying to sleep as jaemin told me stories to help me fall asleep. it was the middle of the day, so miyeon was at work, but i was tired.

"so," jaemin was telling me, "do you remember how we met?"

"hm," i mumbled, even though i obviously did. "no."

he laughed and ran a hand through my hair. "well, it was that one day where..." he told the story about how we met with so much excitement and action, but i was too exhausted to pay attention. it was all background noise to me. until he brought up something that caught my attention.

"and one day," he laughed awkwardly, "i saw you and taeyong kissing after that one wrestling match. do you remember? it feels so long ago yet like yesterday."

i froze. if only i didn't come to school that day, if only jaemin confessed earlier, if only i liked jaemin a tad bit more.

"you know, when i rejected you, i loved you. and i still do now."

the hand in my hair stopped moving. he pulled his hand out and sighed.

"i love you, too," he let out.

"no," i teared up stupidly, "i don't love you just platonically."

"you couldn't have said any of this earlier?" he muttered bitterly. "preferably a few years earlier?"

"please, let's talk about it. i need to let all of these feelings out."

"it's not fair to me, ara. i just got into a relationship."

"then just tell me. do you truly love her, only her?"

"you're such a hypocrite. so what if i love you too? you dating taeyong for four years didn't stop you from supposedly loving me. maybe i can love you both but miyeon more."

"do you love her more?" i asked, ignoring everything else he said.

he turned away from me. "i think about you everytime she looks at me."

i gulped and just blurted it out. "would you...would i be dating you right now if i said yes back in high school?"

he hesitated. "i think so."

i snuggled against him, ignoring everything that my brain was saying. "would you say yes right now, if i asked?"

he stayed silent. "we can't have this talk until i break up with miyeon and explain everything to her. especially when you're living under her home."

i fell quiet, snuggled against him. eventually, my breaths became deeper and more even.

after a while, jaemin pushed a stray hair away from my face. "i think i would love you properly, if you asked."

i pretended to be asleep as my heart started racing.

i'm sorry, miyeon. again.