[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 22

eccedentesiast: someone who fakes a smile, when all they want to do is cry, disappear, and/or die

» kwan ara's pov »

groaning, i rolled on my side. i could feel the sun beating on my eyes, and so i opened them. a pair of eyes stared back at me, and i jumped into a sitting position with a hand over my quickly-beating heart.

"you scared me!" i shouted. i let out a little laugh and then grinned, expecting him to laugh. i faltered, noticing his stoic expression.

"ara," he said, with a deeper and rougher voice than usual. "why?"

i was still confused on why he didn't laugh, and why he was so serious. i frowned. "uh...why, what?" my frown deepened. "and why was i sleeping?"

he stood up suddenly. "ara, you have to eat! THIS ISN'T JUST A FUCKING DISORDER ANYMORE!" anger and frustration was seen on every detail of his face.

it reminded me of somebody else i knew. somebody who...

it all came back to me. specifically, earlier in the morning.

"ara, what are you doing, awake at this time?" an exhausted taeyong asked me at four in the morning.

"what are you doing at four in the morning? you have work!" i said.

"i can't sleep."

i smiled slightly. "me neither."

walking over, i wrapped my arms around his neck, but having to get on my toes. staring into his perfect eyes and looking up at his perfect face, i forgot every little and big thing he had ever done to me. all the pain, all the suffering-

taeyong shoved a piece of candy into my mouth. i couldn't tell what it was, but i spit it out on the floor immediately, shoving him backwards.

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" i shouted. i had tears in my eyes, but they weren't from sadness. oh no—i was angry. strangely, i felt betrayed. did it make sense?

"i want to get you to eat-" he protested weakly.

"AND THAT WAS THE BEST THING YOU COULD THINK OF? SHUT UP! YOU CAN'T FORCE ME LIKE THAT!"

it felt wrong, wrong, wrong. i would not eat like this. i would rather die from starvation than force myself to eat like this. die, die, die.

"ara-"

i spun on my heel and stomped into my room, slamming it shut, then locking it.

"GO AWAY!" i screamed. "go...away..." hiccups interrupted my screaming.

"i'm sor-"

jaemin's deep breathing brought me back to reality. i blinked multiple times. he was still burning me with his eyes, but something shifted in his expression. pity? weariness?

i whimpered, and tears filled my eyes. the morning was horrible. i couldn't even force myself to choke down food after. i gagged the moment i saw food.

but what hurt more was jaemin. he had never yelled at me before, much less cursed while doing so.

suddenly, he collapsed onto his knees with his head down. it wasn't until i heard him struggling to breath that i realized that he had started crying. "ara, ara, ara," he repeated, his voice cracking. "ara, you can't do this to me!" i was so shocked that my tears had completely stopped, a tap that just shut off.

"do what, jaemin? do what? jaemin, are you okay?" i asked frantically. i patted his head pathetically, not knowing how to comfort him. how do you comfort somebody who never cries? i had certainly never made him cry before. at least, not that i knew of.

"ara," he simply said. he looked up at me with tears running down his face and a red nose. his hair was wildly disheveled. "please..."

"i'll do anything," i begged. "anything, jaemin, what do you want? just explain." his tears were terrifying me. "nana...?"

immediately, jaemin came over to hug me. i was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he was on his knees, his legs on either side of mine. for some reason, i knew that this hug had a different level of meaning. it was tighter than usual, and he held on longer. his chin was on top of my head, and i placed my head against the center of his chest. i could feel his heart beating, a comforting rhythm of life. "i'm sorry, jaemin," i mumbled. he backed out of the hug, stepping onto the floor.

gently, he cupped my face with the both of his hands. "it's okay," he said softly. i noticed that his nose was still red. he stared at me with that look again—that love. "i just want you to be happy, healthy, and safe." he squeezed my cheeks hard, ruining the moment.

"hey!" i shouted, slapping his hands away.

he laughed. "sorry, sorry," he said.

"what about class?"

"the taekwondo class?" he looked at me with a dubious expression.

"yes, jaemin, is there any other class i'm attending?"

he rolled his eyes. "no need to be sarcastic, but we can-"

"oh my god." i gasped. "my mom- dinner- i- what time is it?"

jaemin patted my arm. "it's only ten. don't worry about anything. i called her to say that you were sick and couldn't come, so we rescheduled for tomorrow."

words ran across my mind. perfect son-in-law. too good. i was confused about that but i was sure that i made it up somewhere in my unconsciousness.

"thanks, jaemin. you're perfect," i said.

jaemin simply smiled.

"yes. i'm so perfect, aren't i?" his smile turned sad. "just too ab-so-lute-ly good."