[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 2

nefelibata: one who lives with their head in the clouds and does not obey social conventions

» lee taeyong's pov »

my love. i had hurt her. so, so, so badly.

"take three deep breaths," i murmured to myself. i began with one but immediately sputtered, not being able to control my breath. i pinched myself hard to keep myself aware.

sitting in my car, i pounded the steering wheel, screaming from anger at myself. it honked, and it brought me back to my senses. at least, enough to think with a bit more clarity.

i loved her so much. i just didn't know how to show her.

stupid, stupid, stupid.

i cursed myself with all the anger and hate in the world. she didn't deserve a monster for a boyfriend. an excuse for a human. anybody else would have treated her better.

why did she love me?

i drove off before i could kill her. i wished i could've kill myself instead, as that was convenient. it sure would save her a lot of pain because, of course, i was the source of her pain.

i wasn't sure where i was driving to; i just drove to get away from the love of my life. eventually, i realized where i was going and my grip on the wheel softened. my breathing resumed it's regular pattern as i calmed down.

successfully, i took deep breaths to calm myself, making sure to not crash the car in my rollercoaster of emotions. it would help ara for me to die, but it wouldn't help if i left her car-less and in-debt, having to pay this off.

a message from my doctor pulled me out of my thoughts, startling me. i peered at my phone.

——

doctor:

remember to take your pills.

seen by lee taeyong, patient #127

——

i almost laughed. he really didn't know how much i needed to remember them. or else. it would be much worse for ara. so much worse. i blanched at the prospect of a 'worse' for ara.

yet, i only took my pills after hurting ara. i couldn't handle taking them. the side effects were too much for me.

i didn't bother answering my doctor. i would take them as soon as i parked the car.

finally arriving to the park where i met my love, ara, i grabbed my bottle of pills.

one anticonvulsant pill.

one antidepressant pill.

one antipsychotic pill.

i swallowed all the pills at a time, almost choking. tears filled my eyes as i coughed.

i'm sorry, ara. you deserve somebody much better than me.

i hate myself for doing this to you.

i love you. in my heart, i know.

——

» kwan ara's pov »

i pulled myself up from the ground, shaking and trembling. my legs wobbled, and i fell over. it took me several minutes to get back up. when i did, i pulled myself to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. i studied my face for a second. my nose was fine, so i didn't worry about the damage on my face. i could cover that up; i couldn't cover a swollen or broken nose up. i ignored my new bruises. if i stayed in front of the mirror for too long, i knew i would start to stare at my bruises and think. truly think about the bruises.

i felt better after the shock of the cold water had hit me. i was aching all over but i had to ignore it; had to get my job done. getting all my stuff, i got started on my chores. i wasn't sure when taeyong would be back, so i had to be quick about it. i relaxed as i felt the routine come to me. it was something familiar, something that didn't constantly change. i just had to do my job, which was easy.

three hours had passed. i had just finished doing all the chores: washing the dishes, making the bed, sweeping the dust, mopping the house, scrubbing the bathroom, cooking dinner, and cleaning out the attic.

i rushed to go shower to present myself in a clean manner. nobody wants a dusty, smelly girlfriend, do they?

i finished showering and walked around the house to admire my work. i hoped taeyong would approve.

after all, i did everything for him.

i sat down in my room, reapplying my makeup to hide my bruises. it was difficult; since there was a certain way to cover bruises. you couldn't just throw thick layers of concealer on top. depending on the color, i had to "cancel it out" with my makeup. then, i mixed up the concealer and foundation together to create a thicker makeup, which would cover up my bruises nicely. i always had a batch of the perfect skin tone mixed together already. after multiple tries, i had perfected the batch to make the makeup impossible to spot. i inspected myself, making sure i looked okay.

i heard his car enter the driveway at exactly 3:30 p.m., but i hesitated to come outside my room and greet him like usual, with a hello! or an i made you dinner and did all my chores!

his attack from last night had scared me. no matter how many times he hit me, i got over it; eventually leading to being hurt again.

i was tired.