Quarantined together | c.c & s.m

83

Camila

I woke up. It was still dark and I could feel a hand on my stomach, Shawn. I turned around so I was laying on my back, looking up. My eyes were hurting and probably puffy from crying, making me remember what happened yesterday. I almost wanted to cry again but held it back, knowing Shawn was sleeping.  Was he mad at me? I remember he didnt talk much after coming home and I fell asleep alone in bed. But why was he here now? Probably because he wasn't going to sleep in the living room. 

I let out a quiet sigh after checking the time. 4am. Pretty damn early. I was definitely not going to sleep anymore... or at least not now. So I decided on going to a place where my mind was free. I pulled on sweats and a thin hoodie since it was pretty warm outside and also grabbed a book, walking downstairs. I quietly opened our door that leads to the garden and sat down on my favorite stone bench behind the house. There was an automatic light so I could still read, even though it was almost completely dark. I had grabbed my favorite quotes book 'Milk and Honey' by Rupi Kaur. In moments like this it's just what I need...

I opened one of the four chapters... 'The Breaking' . I dont know why, its just the first one that opened and I looked at the Poem I had opened. 

Even after the hurt

The loss

The pain

The breaking

Your body is still

The only one

I want to be

Undressed under (- Rupi Kaur)

And god... how that poem fit. I hurt so much, I get so distant, numb, ignorant... and he is always there and the only one I want to be near to...I would never give myself to another man apart from Shawn. With a soft sigh, I closed the book again. I had a heavy feeling in my chest... I was scared of Shawn being mad at me. I leaned my head against the cold stone wall, looking into the night with the book in my hand. Fuck... everything goes wrong once again.

The light turning on woke me up, noticing that it was a little lighter outside and the sun was about to rise. "Mila?" I tuned my head at the sound of his voice. Shawn was standing in the door in sweats and a shirt, his hair curly and messed up. I turned my head back around, looking into my lap. "Mila baby..." He said quietly and I heard him close the door behind him and take a few steps closer to me. "Are you feeling okay? Come on... let's go inside, you're going to get sick." I shook my head, sniffling again. "Mila..." He tried again, finally walking over to me and resting his hand on my shoulder. He then kneeled down next to me, waiting for any reaction and when he didnt get any, he took the book out of my lap and pulled me into an embrace. Wasn't he mad at me? Why is he always so gentle? HE pulled me in closer, my head resting in his neck as I cried, sobs wracking my body. "Shh.... Baby, it's okay, you're okay." He whispered, gently picking me up and carrying me back inside. 

"Mila... whatever made you go out there alone... not talk to me... Please, why? Why didnt you just wake me up?" He asked as we were laying in bed, him spooning me. "I... I thought you were mad." I admitted. His hand that had previously been drawing circles on my stomach stilled. "What? Why?" "I.. because you hadn't said a word to me... you went mute on me... even though you helped me shower and everything." "God baby... I am so sorry... I'm sorry I gave out those signs... god Mila..." I could tell he was feeling guilty so I turned around in his arms, pressing my cheek into his chest. "I'm sorry..." I whispered. "Talk to me babe... why didnt you talk to me... it made me feel... like I did something wrong..." I whispered against his chest. "Oh baby... no... that was definitely not what I wanted.... fuck... I am so sorry I gave off that vibe..." he said, his hands coming up to his face. "Stop.... stop blaming yourself now, I love you." I said, kissing his lips, lingering there for a little. "I'm glad... you're not mad." I admitted shyly. "Mila... I had absolutely no reason to be mad at you... I was just... scared I would say something mean... but not to you or about you but about them... the ones who did that to you. I was boiling with anger. Fuck, I still am. I shouldn't have let this happen" He groaned, covering his face with his hands again but I quickly pulled his hands back and placed his head in the crook of my neck, kissing his forehead. "I love you baby." I whispered. "Thank you for caring so much.... dont beat yourself up for what happened. People like that are unpredictable." I told him. "You're right." he sigh, tightly embracing me while covering me in soft kisses. "I love you." I heard him mumble. I could tell he was tired and so was I. "I love you too... and I am so tired." I told him, caressing his curls. "Me too... let'S sleep a little more, you put be tired and cold. Come here." he then said, laying down with his back on the mattress and I immediately knew what he wanted. Slightly smiling I laid on top of him after we both took off our tops so we could be skin to skin, brining us close again. He pulled the blanket up and like that we both fell back into a comfortable sleep... but still... the incident was not forgotten and since this was my first time actually sleeping after it happened, nightmares plagued me...

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