Falling onto you

Entry #11

Summers POV -

I wake up feeling my head hurt like a billion knives stabbing me over and over again.

I still see blurry spots in my vision and I can't think straight and I feel myself being taken over by the flowing pain and anger again, leaving me in my own living hell.

but of all things I could be thinking of its all him, he's all I see and hear and my mind takes over only making me clinch my fist in rage as I scream and kick thrashing around in madness.

why him?

"wow take it easy short stuff", I hear his groggy voice speck sounding horse from everything.

I turn to meet his eyes, "Oliver I'm not in the mood", my tired voice so weak and frail tries to get out as best I can.

"I know", he mumbles understanding my pain I'm feeling.

and for what feels like the first time ever we have an agreement, it may be from the tiredness or anger and rage coming off but its there and its still an agreement.

and with all the awkwardness between the silence and anger I can't take it anymore I have to speck, say something anything... please...

"why can't you understand it?", I question him finally annoyed and everything taking over.

"What? What could there possibly be that I don't understand?", he scolded me.

I take a deep breath feeling the same wetness over my face again but I couldn't care, he needs to see it.

he needs to see and understand my pain, I don't care where it is.

"I love you Oliver", I cries out to him.

he stands their looking at me in shock as I cover my mouth, I didn't know that was gonna come out.

"summer....", he trails off being taken over by his Owen mind being his greatest enemy in the moment.

he doesn't care about me, I was just a good fuck to him thats all.

I'm only the babysitter to his brother and the aid to his mother, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm nothing to his plans or ideas.

but with he expression written across his face shows so much more... its anger but below it is sadness and a scared little boy fighting his way through to take control.

he shakes his head looking at the floor taking his hand and moving it over his mouth like his angered and cants react or respond.

give me something... anything please Oliver.

please any reaction is better than nothing...

and like he can read my thoughts he looks straight at me and I see the broken hurt taking over letting the scared little boy take over giving into everything he wanted to not do.

he fights himself just staring at me before rushing out of the door not wanting to give in.

I was wrong, any reaction is not better than nothing.

no...

this was much worse running away from your problems instead of fighting them head on.

but now I know his answer, he doesn't want me or care, because if he did he would've stayed...

olivers pov-

I can't help the pit in my stomach telling me to stay as I listen to her sighlent screams and sobs so I do.

I stay outside her room waiting for her after some time I can't really place my figure on it but I fall asleep leaning on the cold wall on the hard floor for her.

...

as I lay outside her hospital room I keep wondering back to moments before thinking of what I did.

I didn't leave her, I couldn't...

but I ran when she needed me why would I do that?

whats wrong with me, why must I try to ruin the perfect girl in front of me who wants me?

she gave me everything she had and more and all I did was run.

but I'm scared, I'm scared of me getting hurt or worse, me hurting her. the one person who believes in me and trusted me with her secrets who I abandoned in the moment of vulnerability.

slapping myself physically upside my forehead, I can't do this to her, I cant ruin her like I ruin everything else.

Im so fucked up I cant see the good in things god I'm so fucking dumb.

I lean back resting on the brick walls behind me feeling the coolness coming off them as I think to myself wondering how I could fix something so terrible, but there's not hope, shell never forgive me for this one.

taking a deep breath trying to prepare myself to get over my fears I hold in everything I want to unleash and twist the doorknob to her room.

I open it and peck my head through looking at her staring at the celling thinking to herself as I slowly walk in and she faces me looking deep into my should giving me a blank stare like she angered at me, but I cant blame her I'm angered at me too.

she waits for me to respond while I think of all the right things to say but nothing in the world can really help me.

at this point I'm just stalling myself from my true desires and hers, "I'm a total ass", I finally get out feeling the weight left from my chest.

"I know", she quietly mutters.

" indent mean to storm off", I smile at her.

"I know, you were scared. I am too", she admitted to me.

clinching my fist and shallowing my pride I blurt out the words taking a hold of me, "I don't really know what its like to love and let others love you. I cant really open up to people. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is... I don't know how to not have control of everything and I know I love Elliot and my mom but those are different.... you are different"

she looks at me as tears fill her eyes while she tries so hard to clear them away but I come towards her, "allow me", she nods her head as I wipe them away with my thumb leaving it there touching her face as she raises her hand to hold mine.

we stay there for a while as I pull back Feeling the brick that once fell on me building a wall between the two of us It finally tries to brake down. placing a hand on her shoulder she looks up at me and smacks me right across the face making me hold my hand there as it stings.

"I deserved that", I joke.

"don't you dare scare me again like that! you made me feel like you didn't care, don't ever leave me even if your scare! man up and grow a pair of balls once in awhile!", she insisted giving me a dangerous glare.

chuckling at her response I know it to be true and I shouldn't have done it to her even if I was scared it was a coward move.

"I never left. I stayed right outside your door the whole time thinking", I tell her feeling embarrassed.

"I know, I had one of my nurses look for you when I asked for a cup of water and when she came back she told me you where outside asleep against the hard cold floor", she shrugs keeping her tone calm and neutral the whole time.

~~

Looking at her lying on the bed looking broken leaving me speechless, how do I respond what do I do? Do I love her?

Questions will swarm in my head but even though the anger I know my answer; yes I do love her more than the world.

but its so soon, so new...

I don't know if I'm ready to tell her yet or full admit to myself but I know she will still be there for me and when I'm ready she will accept it.