Falling onto you

Entry #32

olivers POV -

I reach over to the bedside where her notebook is placed pulling out a slip of paper not knowing how else to get my emotions out I start writing from the heart telling everything I could think of.

I don't know how to say these aloud and I feel its best to have it in writing even f I already know she'll never be able to read it. . .

dear summer,

you'll probably never be able to read this and I'm planning on it, right now as you lay in the hospital bed I watch as you stir in your sleep.

I fear you won't be around long enough for us to see our children run around the yard while we yell at them from inside the house trying to get things done knowing all were doing is procrastinating.

it almost brings a smile to my face knowing our there somewhere in another universe maybe we will have a family one day and after years and years of you convincing me even though ill always be on board with whatever you have for me, we settle down in a nice house in a neighborhood and have a mini van so you can live out as a soccer mom. I can already feel the eye roll coming along.

but I'm writing this on the off chance you do live through this whole thing, everyone wants me to give up but until I see your cold limp and lifeless body being taken away from my arms that fight for you every step of the way only for you to be placed in a body bag ill never stop.

who knows even once then I might still have hope this is all some sick joke, and I really hope it is.

I just wish I was on one of the game shows and maybe I keep hoping for the host to come out and for you to say this was all a prank but I don't think it will happen.

your not even gone and I already miss you more than words can say.

today I had to leave your hospital bed to go get fresh clothing and I couldn't bare to leave you so I'll admit I cried the whole time not wanting to pull myself together.

I don't want to miss a single moment that can lead me to missing a moment and then ill never have it again.

every time I even leave to get food I rush back as soon as possible or get a nurse to get me food and I make sure its when your asleep so you can't force me out of the room.

one thing I will miss is your smile, I don't think I've ever looked at something as beautiful as your gummy smile and somehow during this whole thing you've remained smiling and happy its almost as if you've excepted whats going on.

I know thats a dumb way to put it but it hurts less knowing you find the good in anything even when it hurts the most.

I've been avoiding sleep lately too, don't get mad at me and slap me from that sentence because I know I can be a bit of a stalker watching you sleep sometimes but I want to take in everything, its not like I'm taking pictures, unless your awake and want to be truly goofy that day.

I'm gonna miss your fire red hair, beautiful pricing green eyes and pearly whites, really what I'm trying to say is that I'm gonna miss you, scars and all. your a true beauty and I couldn't be more happy you choose me as your partner, me Oliver Novak.

why did it have to be your heart? if I could I would give you mine in a heart beat and trust me I've begged the nurses and doctors to let me give you my heart, but they hold me how risky it would be, I didn't care for the risk for me but then they told me the risk is worse for you and I couldn't... It was a 85% chance of losing you sooner than you would've.

why does the world have to be against us? why can't we be happy as just us?

i could never recover if you died so I ask you, please fight with everything you have in you, but I understand, sometimes can't be won and some have to be taken and as hard as it would be for me I can live peacefully somewhat knowing your giving all you have in you and I just want you to know I love you.

I love you more than you love the stars and clouds in the sky, I love you more than I've ever loved someone or anything in this missed up world.

you summer sweet water were destain to meet me and I was to meet you.

I love you more than to the moon and back, I meant what I said at our wedding in my vows, "true sickness and in health", I'll never stop keeping to my word.

I will never leave your side and will always be here for you, my darling, my love, my summer sweet water, you are everything to me in this world and so much more.

with all the love possible in this world,

Oliver Novak.

I set the note down next to her bedside table, it might be cheesy and awful but its from the heart and and thats all that matters, I kiss the top of her head and hold her close setting in to sleep the night away even if its just for a few minutes I can be at peace with her for those moments.

she stops twisting and turning and finally gets comfortable and I feel her body read as she starts to sleep too.

and everything after that went blank as we fell into a deep sleep.