For what it's worth

Chapter 34

I found it incredible how everyday of my life lately seemed to be so different. It felt like I was a different person living a different life everyday. One day I'm happy faking an engagement, making new friends and the next I was sitting in a room full of people fighting, with tension streaming through there veins. How could one day be so carefree and fun and less than 12 hours later I was watching my every move in fear I would make someone angry or upset. It was bizarre to me how different people made me feel different things. Like with Lando I felt nothing but safe, love and warmth, with Emily I stated to feel carefree and lighthearted, like I was welcomed into her life now, even Marcus made me feel welcome, I mean he didn't talk much but when he did it was a soft tone, making sure to be as wholesome as possible. But with Daniel all I felt was on edge, a bitter feeling really, like I had done something wrong, like I wasn't welcome in his presents, like he didn't want me 6 feet near him. It was weird accepting the feeling around Daniel, especially because we got along so well at the start, working together was fun, I mean yes I always preferred to work with lando but Daniel made it as fun as he could, always making jokes, talking to me as much as possible, saying thank you even for the little things. But now..., the past few weeks, ever since Monaco really, he was cold towards me, pointing out every little thing I did wrong, making sarcastic comments he new would effect me, just over all being... a dickhead really.

As I walked out of the motor home and down the paddock I blocked the whole world out, I was so forced on myself I didn't hear or see anyone or anything around me. I walked towards the fia garage knowing I could get to the roof top and be alone, away from everyone. No one would bother me up there, mainly because nobody knew about it. As I walked into the fia garage I smiled sweetly at a few people making sure I didn't seem like a bitch and went straight to the stairs at the back of the room that led to the roof.
I sat in silence taking in the blue skies and beautiful senses around me, I loved it here. In the south of France, with the wine and the friendly people, it was magical, like something out of a romance movie. The rows of vines growing grapes, the small local beach's, the cute family owned restaurants. But today, today was like a horror movie. Daniels words replayed in my mind.
"Would be much better if I didn't have to see you all the time".
I was the problem. I was the reason he was acting so cold and heartless. What had I done to make him go from his giggly self to... this cold hearted unforgiving... well I guess there's no nice way to put it... dickhead. That's what he had turned into, there was no sugar coating it. He was now a cold hearted dickhead. And it was all my fault. I was the problem.
I could feel my eyes starting to burn, a feeling that was too familiar to me now, a feeling I seemed to feel a lot more often. The tears burning there way to the surfaced my eyes and making there was done my cheeks. Crying. Again. All I wanted to do was smile and be happy, why wasn't I happy? I had the dream life. I had a perfect boyfriend, a job I would have died for my whole life, I got to travel the world for free because of my job, I had made some of my best memories here, with these people and somehow, I still seemed to find away to cry about something, because even though I seemed to have a perfect life, every-time something went wrong, I felt I was always the reason. Everything that made me cry, was always my fault. Maybe I just wasn't cut out of this life.
"Babe" I heard a soft voice behind me breaking me out of my thoughts.
I turn to see lando standing behind me with a sad look on his face. He looked so, lost.
"Lando?" I say in surprise, not expecting anyone to find me.
"Your crying" he states the obvious.
"No, no just uh, washing my eyelashes" I stutter trying to come up with an excuse to why my face was red and covered in tears.
"Really bad excuse" he giggles walking towards me.
"I tried my best"
"I know" he smiles sitting next to me.
I don't say anything, I have nothing to say. I rest my head on his shoulder as I whip my tears away, a pointless move because my cheeks where soon filled with new ones. Lando just sits with me, not talking, which I appreciate because I hated when people pushed e to talk when I didn't want to. I would talk when I was ready, but until then I just wanted to sit and cry all my feelings away, and Lando was one of the only people that understood that, I appreciate him for letting me sob in silence, not pressuring me to talk when I wasn't ready. After a few moments I gather my emotions and finally spoke.
"Thank you" I say in a whisper.
"For what" lando asks confused.
"I don't know, just being here for me I guess"
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else"
"Such a lie" I giggle rolling my eyes as I whip away the remaining tears in my face.
"You ok" he asks genuinely worried.
"Ya, just surprised I guess, I didn't expect him to be like that, he's always been so nice, and now he's-" I was cut off as lando started talking.
"He was being a dickhead, you didn't deserve that, neither did Emily."
"Yea... it's my fault anyways, I just feel bad for Emily" I say
"She's ok, she's with Marcus"
"That's good" I smile a real smile, happy that she's ok.
Silence falls back over us as we sit and enjoy each other's company once again. Once again, it blew my mind how much one person could make you feel. After everything that had just happened, being told I was the reason for everyone's problems, some how Landos presents alone made me feel at ease, like nothing else in the world matter. Just us. He felt like home, my home away from home.
Once again I was brought back to reality as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out to see if it was something important.

*I like your hair down, it looks nice, you should do it like you did today more often :) -Daniel.

"Is he messing? This has to be some sick joke right" lando snaps as he gets up and walks up and down in a line in-front of me.
"I-" I was left with no words, I didn't know what to say. "I don't know what to say"
"I'm going to kill him, I mean it, I will kill him" lando says, in an angry tone.
"Calm down" I say trying to calm him down, but that probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had.
"Really, clam down? Nah. No way am I letting him do shit like this, like 20 minutes ago you where the reason for all his problems and he wanted you gone and now he" "likes your hair down" lando says angry until the last part which he says in a more mocking tone trying to impersonate Daniel.
I sit looking at lando speechless as he paces around the roof top frantically.
"What kind of sick game is he trying to play" lando continues talking. "What kind of human does shit like this, making you cry, shouting at you, and then all of a sudden, he wants to see you with your hair down, and he knows your taken, and he still texts you stupid shit like that, what the fuck"
"Ohhh look at me I'm Daniel and I like you with your hair down but don't come anywhere near me because I'll shout at you and make you cry." lando says in an Australian accent mocking Daniel.
"Your being dramatic, it's not that serious" I say.
"He's fucking flirting with you Y/n. Your mine and he's flirting with you, as if your single" lando says as he stops walking around and looks me straight into my eyes.
"Is he?" I ask questionably only taking in the part where he says that Daniel is flirting.
"Yes, and your mine. I should be the one telling you I like your hair, I should be the one telling you that your dress is nice, not him, that's not his job. It's mine" lando says in almost a panic.
"Your jealous" I state realizing what's happening.
"No I'm not, I mean, maybe a little bit, I don't know I feel like he's making me look bad, I didn't tell you your hair looked nice today and he did, he noticed it was down and I didn't and now I feel like a bad boyfriend, I should notice these things right? I should be the one to tell you not him, so I mean ya I'm a little jealous, well more scared really"
"Scared of what?" I ask kind of confused. I didn't understand, it wasn't a big deal, I didn't know why a different hair style had lando stressing so much.
"Of losing you to someone better, someone that notices the small things I don't, like your hair." He says sadly, almost crying as sorrow filled his eyes.
"You really think I'm going to leave you, because you didn't comment on my hair? Lando I barely noticed my hair was down, and it's on my fucking head" I laugh.
"I don't know, sometimes I just think you can do so much better than me, I mean you deserve so much better"
"I don't want better. I don't want anything or anyone if it's not you" I reassure him as I stand up and hug him. "This is forever" I add.
"Forever" he says placing a small kiss on my forehead not pulling away from the hug.