Media Secret: Hidden Johansson

3Am Heart to Heart

After a quiet ride back everyone now feeling the effects of the alcohol coresing though their veins the effects of the night at the fount of everyone's minds. As we pull up outside my house we all head inside and I look at the clock on the wall at 3 am. James and Charlie head upstairs to one of the spare rooms making a few of us chuckle a little. Brie and Lizzie walk with me into the kitchen to get some ice for my back and Katie runs off upstairs to get wet a cloth to try and get the rest of the blood off my face. My mum is currently with Hunter trying to work out if she needed to shout at me for getting into a fight or praise me for hardly fighting back.

As I sit down at the kitchen table pinching my nose to check if its broken, Lizzie gets the ice out and Brie grabs a cloth to wrap it in. "Your going to need to take off your jacket and top so we can ice your back properly" Lizzie tells me as she comes around to my back and i instantly stiffen and start to panic no matter how much alcohol is in my system or pain I am in I'm not ready for my mum to see the scars in my body let alone Brie or Lizzie, only Katie and Charlie have seen my scars. "It's okay i can do it" I respond and Brie looks at me worried.

"Your not going to be able to do it, what's wrong?" Brie asks and at this point Katie has come back and is now listening. "It's okay i'll ice his back" I nod at Katie slightly thanking her and I relax a little as Brie and Lizzie grab some water and some painkillers for the group of us when mum comes back in with hunter in tow trying to keep her calm. I wipe my face with the cloth that Katie has passed me wiping down my neck just in case.

"What the hell was that?" She snaps and Brie goes to speak but is silenced when my mums hand comes up warning her not to speak. "Thomas" I gulp and then hiss as I feel the sting when Katie presses some ice into my bruised back under my top.

"That ape was harassing the girls. I gave him a lot of chances to walk way, he refused to step back or step down. I put him back in his place, i hit him twice. bare in mind he slammed me into a metal rail twice, punched me more than that. He will wake-up with a possible broken jaw and a headache. I however have a bruised back and possible bruised ribs and a bruised nose. Please save me the lecture for standing up for them when they distinctly said NO. Twice , he got what he fucking deserved." I spat and walked outside away from everyones shocked faces and sat on the grass.

"I'm sorry, I know i raised to be the man you are and i couldn't be more proud. But I'm your Mom and i don't like to see you hurt and after you came back when you came back after being gone for years i thought you where dead... Then you showed up on the doorstep and i didn't even notice your injuries i was just happy you where home. I am terrified of letting you go again" My mum says sitting down next to me and leaning her head on my shoulder.

"You should know by now that it's going to take a hell of a lot to kill me, i was raised by the best mama in the world" I say leaning my head on hers and i felt a water drop fall onto my shoulder. "Mum? are you crying?" I asked her and she laughed a little and sniffled.

"Nope just allergic to your aftershave" I chuckled a little knowing i don't have any on. "You know it was so hard for me to work when you where missing in action, i couldn't make it to set some days Florence really helped she would help pick me up on the bad days and that to hold out hope that one day that you would come home, She adores Rose and Rose adores her. Rose and her are ice cream buddies" She laughs at her own little joke remembering her time on the black widow sets. "They became little trouble makers when we they where together, taunting me with ice cream or chasing each other around for hugs. Rose missed you and Florence helped take her mind off where you were for a while"

"What was it like when I was missing for so long," I asked looking over the lights of the city below us as we sat leaning on each other.

"Awful, heartbreaking, your dad and I argued for a while about giving you a tombstone and a funeral... He wanted to grieve you and well... because I didn't want to believe you where gone i said no. I tried so hard not to give up, not to give up that hope you would be home for Christmas each year or that my birthday wish would finally come true and you would be standing in the living room safe and sound the next morning, or you would be home to see your little sisters 5th and 6th birthday. You were missing in action knowing and that's all i knew, no where you had been or what could of happened just knowing that my baby was out there and the army deemed you dead from the 24th of September 2019 that date haunted me each year and still does. How could tell Rose that her big brother wasn't ever going to come home, that she couldn't even say goodbye, and that he wouldn't make it to her graduation, scare off her fist boyfriend or girlfriend, get to go to her wedding? I couldn't sleep or eat I struggled through it all and when I left through that front door I was working I had a smile on my face that nothing was wrong, god some days i could hardly stand I was so tired of pretending. I was so tired of hiding Covid made it easier because I could hide at home. Then years later you show up at the doorstep at 3 in the morning looking like absolute hell, I can't describe that feeling of seeing you stood there, I thought I was dreaming. Some days i still don't think that it happened until i see you or hear your voice reminds me of how real it is to have you safe and home. God just to know that your heart is still beating."

She was now balling her eyes out as if she was living all those feeling all over again, all though I lived through hell I never realised how much it must have affected everyone else I wrapped my arms around her and her head rested on my chest so she could hear my heartbeat. I let the few tears fall from my eyes without realising.

"Mama you missed your big day, Your decade long run up, you missed YOUR film because you had to take me to hospital...." I said and she laughed and wrapped her arms around me even tighter cuddling up closer to me "Even if you hadn't shown up on that doorstep i still wouldn't have been able to go. You coming home was better than answering questions in a tight dress. Plus Florence did a pretty good job in London, David in New York and then Kevin here in LA has the fans hoping i will be coming back at some point"

"You know all of your fans see you in screen as this badass, and they think your awesome but they only know that half of it. You are a huge softy at heart with an amazing sense of humour which has defiantly been passed to me and Rose. But you always be mine and Roses Superhero" I let out a deep-breath i didn't really notice i was holding and was just enjoying the heartwarming moment with my mom.

"Mama, I-I-I lived through hell... The things I-I saw, the things they did to me, I didn't even know how long I was gone for, I-tried, the first thing I wanted was bring everyone home" I cried into her hair holing her closer as if I let go would be back in that hell.

"I know sweetheart and I am so proud to call you my son you know that. I am so proud that you never gave up, I am so proud that everyone you took out there with you, you brought them home." She said removing her hands from me and putting them up to my crying face wiping away my tears.

"Mama I killed people... I killed 4 people to get us home, I see their faces every time I close my eyes, I feel the torture they put me through when I look at the scars, I hear the gunshots and explosions with a things like party poppers or champagne corks, probably fireworks too. I can't swim because every time I put my head underwater it like I am drowning all over again, just like when they would waterboard me, everything is so much harder now, I'm not the same person I was when I left. I can't sleep because of what I did, I won't ever forgive myself" I mumble and fall into her as all of my emotions wash over me and I open up more than I ever have.

"It's okay you are home, you are safe now, I will always love you, you will always be my little prince my little light in the dark, No matter what we will always love you," She says the last bit strongly to make sure I have heard it. I just whisper into her chest "im so sorry mama" over and over until I can't anymore crying until I fall asleep.