Media Secret: Hidden Johansson

Apprciating & Guilt

After dropping me back home and our walk in the forest, Florence went home to spend some time with her family and I walked in through the front door to be attacked by the cutest little girl wrapped around my leg pulling me towards the living room. Picking her so she is on my back we make our way in to see everyone around the coffee table ind disgusting Christmas jumpers, with mugs of hot chocolate setting up monopoly.

"How was your date with Florence?" My mum teases me without looking up from the piles of money she is sorting through.

"Ha funny. Not a date. Are you sure you should be playing monopoly didn't you flip the board last time we played?" I teased her back and she acted so dramatically offended it makes her seem like a bad actress.

"We said we wouldn't bring that up! We know I'm competitive." She almost wined and rose climbed into her lap and I sat down next to her.

"Please you are just as competitive as your mother." Romain and my dad said at the same time before fighting over a jinx.

I rested my head on my mums shoulder and she rested her head against mine as the others finished setting up.

As dysfunctional and strange as you may think my family are they really are but I loved them and I knew my mum would be there for me through everything I ever needed.

As Rose starts to get sleepy curling into mums lap her eyes drifting shut ever so slowly before darting open again trying not to fall asleep I rub her tummy to get her attention. "Hey sleepy, think we should get to you to bed!"

She just mumbled lightly yawing and I took it upon my self to scoop her up and carry her up the stairs and tuck her into bed, luckily already in her light pink princess pyjamas she nussled into to chest as I carried her, I opened the door to her room decorated with all of her toys lightly away in all the right places and a well made bed, I pull back the covers to see one of my t-shirts wrapped around a teddy bear that looks battered and bruised but more than anything well loved, I slide her into the bed and slide the bear into her hands. Kissing her forhead and saying good night turning on the night light and the main light as I leave i slide my feet underneath me for a minute just sitting by her door.

I left her, she was a small little toddler when I left. She had no idea where I had gone, why I had left and if I was coming home. As she grew up there was just stories for her to go off. I wasn't there, I couldn't protect her from the world I couldn't have sleep overs with her as she grew up. I didn't see her first day at school, I missed so many things in the last few years I hardly feel worthy to be her brother.

I question if she loves the idea of me rather than me as a whole, she adores Florence and I understand why she has been there for my entire family when I wasn't here. They have a special bond.

I rest my head against her bedroom door "I'm so sorry Rose" I pull myself up after a few beats and make my way down the stairs to see the others talking in the living room. My mother now curled into the sofa with some champagne, Colin sat at the edge by her feet Romain and my dad on the other sofa the other side of the room as a program plays on the background. The canvas' I bought for my mother of me and rose are now on the wall behind her head nicely aligned. The grey couch complementing the lighter features of the room. My family don't notice me stood by the door, but it's nice to see after so much history how well they co-parent and are a family together for Rose and I. I never realised it until now how much i take it for granted.

I slowly make my way into the room and take my seat back next to my mum who smiles at me as my dad starts to talk about an explanation of the firm and how it's going to open up more opportunities. A hand falls on to the back of my head making me jump and my mum mumbles out an apology before retracing her hand making me feel guilty and in order to combat it I take her hand in mine. She runs small circles over the back of my hand clearly not paying much attention to my dad's story, she seems to be lost in her own world just staring at our hands which are rested on her knee, hardly moving just with small light breaths causing her chest and shoulders to fall and rise.

I eventually pull my eyes to look at the tv screen and see the program that is playing trying to work out what it is.  Golda Rosheuvel appears on the screen making me realise that it's brigerton before turning my attention back to my family noise becoming a distant humming in the back of my mind, as I take in the features of my family.

My father's face looks slimmer as if he has lost weight but the counter contradiction of swelling along his cheekbones and neck implanting stress, the tiredness under his eyes. As he listen the small nodding of his head with the occasional pull of a smile from his right lip not completely forming. His finger running along the edge of his glass that is now empty, clearly not wanting to put it down on mums clean table without a coaster.

My eyes flicker over to Romain his dark hair now longer and his beard that's usually clean shaven now growing out, his eyes visibly relaxed like normal but there is something behind his eyes that I can't work out what it is, his shoulder are slouched forwards as he leans his elbows on his knees his drink still half empty in his hand swirling the last few sips at the bottom of the glass. He's jaw clenching every now and then clearly showing some form of discomfort or anxiety, likely linked towards me and deeming me a flight risk. Not that I blame him I have hurt Brie twice while not in control of my mind.

Colin however not overtly visible to the fact my mother is blocking the view of him, his legs are crossed and stretched out along the other half of the L shaped couch. On arm leaning over the back behind my mothers head. His head moving around as he clearly speaks to who ever is listening.

My mum squeezes my hand causing me to look at her and she looks at me and smiles I smile hardly back and look at my watch and see the time realising I should probably head home to get some rest and take my medication. Ready to be here for Christmas Eve tomorrow.

Crawling into my own bed after a fast drive home and locking my bedroom door. I lay staring at the ceiling dreading the nightmare that is pending