𝑴𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝑻𝒐 𝑩𝒆 | ✔

Chapter 16

*Jay's POV*

"Ey." Erin ran her fingers over my arm and I looked at her.

I knew what she wanted, but I didn't really want to talk about it.

"I don't think it was a good idea to come to your place tonight." I wanted to get up from the couch, but Lindsay simply sat down on my legs.

"Please." I already felt my heart beat faster and I hadn't started talking yet.

"I think you really need this." She looked at me and I let my head fall back for a moment, closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then came back up.

"I know." Of course she was right, but I knew that the stuff I would tell her wasn't something she wanted to hear.

"You can tell me everything." She ran a hand through my hair and I tried to fixate on that touch and not on the bad memories.

"The ugly aswell?" She nodded and I knew that I needed to talk now.

"I joined the military because of a kind of short-circuit reaction. My mother died of cancer and my world collapsed. My dad was never the family kind of guy and so it was mostly my mom, Will and I." These words alone caused Erin's eyes to well up with tears and I hadn't even started yet.

*Erin's POV*

I really tried to stay strong but I felt horrible for what Jay went through.

"I wanted to join the military because I wanted to do a good thing for my country, but mostly because I was hoping I would die there." I couldn't hold back a tear and it ran down my cheek, Jay's face remained emotionless.

"But you didn't. You're here now." I didn't know if he was still planning to kill himself and then a thought occurred to me.

"You didn't apply to the Academy because you want to..." He shook his head.

"Not anymore. When I signed up, the thought was there. But then I met you and you are the reason why I am still here." His hands ran over my back, but I didn't think he did notice.

"When?" My voice sounded thick from the emotions I was trying to control.

"The night after you arrested me. I was at the house. I sat on the edge. But I just couldn't." His face didn't move, but a tear ran from the corner of his eye.

"Ouh Jay." I pressed my body against his and held him tight.

"I had no idea." My voice was muffled from his shirt and I felt unbelievable stupid for not noticing how he was feeling.

"You couldn't have known." He ran his fingers through my hair and I sobbed into his shirt, even though he was the one that was in a bad place and not me.

"I'm so sorry." I looked at him and his eyes were red.

"You couldn't know that." He repeated himself but it didn't make me feel any better.

"I'm gonna call at the Academy and tell them that you won't come again, okay?" I felt like the firearm training was triggering his bad memories.

"I don't quit the training. I'll become a cop. I had PTSD for a while and leaned to deal with it. Today just was one of the bad days." Jay moved me a bit on his lap and put his arms around me.

"I love you, Erin." He kissed my forehead I stroked his cheek.

"I love you too." I stroked his cheek.

"Maybe you should go to sleep. It's already past 12pm." Jay looked as tired as I felt.

"Yeah. But you come with me." I was confused when he shook his head.

"Why not? You know that I sleep better when you're with me." I didn't want to give up just yet.

*Jay's POV*

"I'm not tired." Truth to be told, I was awfully tired.

"That's a lie." Probably the only one I ever told her.

"I just don't want to sleep." That, in fact, was the bitter truth, but without reason.

"Jay. Let me in." Lindsay let herself slide down next to me on the couch again and took my hand in hers.

"All the way." She added and I didn't know if I could right now.

"I'm just..." My throat was constricted and I couldn't get another word out.

I got up and she let go of me.

I pressed my forehead against the cold pane of a window and took a deep breath.

"I'm scared, okay? To be fully honest, I'm terrified." I felt Erin standing behind me and as I looked down my hands were shaking.

"What are you scared of?" Her voice was a whisper but I could still hear her.

"Myself." I turned around and wondered what she had to think of me right now.

"But why?" I saw the confusion in her eyes and knew that I had to explain it now.

"If I talk about my army time, or think too much about it, then I have nightmares. If you lie next to me, then I am afraid that I will hurt you." Her gaze softened when I said that.

"That's okay. Jay. I want to help you." Erin put her hands on my arms and I leaned against her.

"I don't want to hurt you." She meant so much to me that I didn't want her to leave me because of this.

"You can't hurt me." I was still afraid that I would harm her.

*Erin's POV*

"Jay." He was next to me, covered in sweat and I knew he was having a nightmare.

I hesitated before touching him, but he didn't stop steering.

As soon as I shook his shoulder, he lunged at me.

I wanted to scream to wake him up because I didn't feel like he was really awake, even with his eyes open, but he just stared into emptiness.

His hands on my throat took my breath away and I realized that the situation was really dangerous for me right now.

While I was slowly beginning to see black dots I managed to push my knee between his legs.

The pain made him groan, his expression changed, he got off me.

I sat up, tears streaming down my cheeks and gasping for air.

"Erin?" Jay was apparently back and recognized me.

I couldn't answer him because I was still in a shock.

He'd told me it could get bad, but I didn't think he'd almost kill me.

"What happened to you? Did you have a nightmare?" He wanted to put a hand on my leg, but I flinched.

When his eyes fell on my throat, his gaze dropped. He looked at his hands and then back at me.

"Did I..." He looked terrified of himself.

I didn't want to nod because I knew he didn't do it on purpose, but I couldn't say either that I could forget it that easily again.

"I didn't mean... I would never... I didn't want to..." He choked on the words, then got up and left the room.

I didn't tell him to stay because if I was honest, I didn't want him to.

Because whether it was on purpose or not, Jay had almost just killed me.