𝑴𝒆𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝑻𝒐 𝑩𝒆 | ✔

Chapter 31

*Erin's POV*

Forever didn't actually seem to mean forever.

"Lindsay? You don't need to be here, you know that, right?" I had been sitting alone at my desk for quite a while until Hailey was the first to come up the stairs and see me.

"I know. But I need something to distract myself." I pushed back the chair and got up.

"How you holding up?" Upton placed a hand on my shoulder and I sighed.

"Honestly? Not good." That was an understatement, I was a mess.

I couldn't sum up the feelings from last night.

At first everything had been great, the dinner with Jay was amazing and after that everything went downhill pretty quickly.

That Bender found me shouldn't have had happened, I was undercover several months ago, but then had to flee because there were various signs that he knew I wasn't who I was selling myself for.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Upton made me snap out of my thoughts.

"What is there to talk about? I was so stupid and actually thought Bender had given up, but as you probably know, Jay took four bullets. Bullets meant for me." Hailey didn't deserve me talking to her like that, but it was all too much right now.

When I felt some tears welling up in my eyes, I went past her, down the stairs, past Platt and some patrolmen and then straight to my car where I locked myself in.

I felt like I wanted to destroy something, but at the same time I felt as fragile as if I would break if I moved.

"Why." I shouted the word so loud that anyone walking past me looked startled.

At some point there was a knock on the window and when I looked it was Antonio.

"Erin. Get out of there." There was something convincing and reassuring about his voice.

I got out and he hugged me tiedly.

I had known Antonio since I was with the police and I knew that he would always be there for me.

"I've just come from the hospital, Bender is definitely dead. Hank got him pretty good." That wasn't exactly good news because I had already imagined what I would do to him as soon as I got hold of him.

"Do we want to go in? It's pretty cold here." When I looked up, snow trickled down on my face and I wasn't even wearing a jacket.

"You can go. I don't think I can handle the questions right now." He nodded, and of course I had noticed that he hadn't asked any questions.

I got back in my car and drove off, having no idea where I was going I just kept taking left turns, right turns or stayed on the road.

At some point I parked the car at the lake and got out.

There were people there, but nobody knew me, nobody knew my thoughts, nobody knew about last night, so I was alone in the crowd.

Going for a walk on my own was a thing I hadn't done for over a year, Jay was there when I asked him to be and it was weird to be alone.

A year ago I would have described myself as unbound or even a free spirit, I had never really wanted to commit to one person and then Jay came into my life and suddenly everything was different.

I had seen him every day, laughed with him, cried and just shared everything, he knew what I needed and vice versa.

And now everything was suppose to be different.

The lake was overcast, but I didn't find it sad that I didn't have a great view because I didn't have anyone to share it with.

A few couples were here, they seemed happy with each other and I wondered if I would be again too.

A sentence was written on the railing I was leaning against.

How empty of me to be so full of you.

"That's pretty fitting I guess." Some part of me wasn't with me right now.

Jay had that part and would have forever.