I'm not lost.

Chapter 21 Meeting Ana.

I walk into Bella's room and I see Bella holding this small baby in her arms looking down at it smiling.
"Hey hoe"
She looks up.
"Hey slut!! Annddd brother..."
"How is she?"
"She's so beautiful!"
I walk to her looking down on Ana.
"She sure is."
"You want to hold her?"
"No."
"No?"
Oh shit I'm in trouble.. I can't hold this baby I'm not ready, I'm by ready,I'm not ready shit I'm shaking fuck I can't have panic attack now fuck my life.
"E-eh I'm s-sorry I-I n-need to to go.
And I run out literally I run for my life until I figure out I'm not on my car leo drove me. I stop by Leo's car staring at my self in the reflection in his cars window as I fall to the ground. I can't breath i can't I can't I'm in dying. My body is im losing control.

I lay in the ground shaking,crying,screaming,gasping for air until I feel arms around me lifting me up.
"Hush Ciara it's okay"
I hear car door opening and he puts me in there still hiding me in his arms.
He holds me still.
"Breath in and out"
"In and out"
"Focus on your breathing"
I do as he tells me and I feel me self get bit more control over my body.
"See it's working"
"Just focus on breathing right"
I can't open my eyes but
I can feel everything falling apart. My head is foggy. My body is numb.
"Just sleep a little cupcake"
"I won't leave you. Your save here"
I'm laying in his lab as I fall into deep sleep.

"Ciara? Cupcake? Wake up"
I feel leo brushing my hair from my face.
"What time is it?"
"It's around 5pm."
"Where am I?"
"My bedroom."
"Why?"
"Because Lola wouldn't let me past your door."
"Haha funny dog"
"You think so?"
"Yes"
"Are you hungry?"
"No"
"You have to eat"
"No"
"I've noticed how much weight you lost Ciara it's not healthy you need to eat."
"I'm not hungry okay!?"
"Come with me I want to show you something."
I stand up and notice in only wearing a big t shirt.
"Emm leo why aren't I wearing my cloths?"
"I though you would be uncomfortable sleeping in those skinny jeans so I change your cloths"
"That's weird"
"I'm sorry"

"This is what you wanted to show me?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"I don't know but it's beautiful"
"It is"
He puts his hand around my shoulder and pulls me into this kind of side hug.
"It reminds me of you."
"Your to sweet"
And he kisses my forehead.
"Wanna talk about all those panic attacks you've been having. Lately?
I pull myself away from him quickly and stare at him. Why would he mention that.
"Ciara you need to talk about it sometimes"
"It's nothing."
"I'm fine"
"Stop lying to yourself! I've watch you have a panic attack and it feels like im watching you die. It's terrible. I don't know how you deal with this shit! You need help cupcake and I'm only saying this because I I love you."
He loves me? Wait what?
"What?"
"Nothing."
"I need to go."
"Leo! No! Wait don't go!"
But he's gone out of my sight before I know it.
•
I see him there.
He's staring out the window. I walk to him and slightly touch his arm and he's clearly starled.
"Ciara!"
"Sorry didn't mean to startle you.."
"It's okay I guess"
"Leo I'm so sorry"
He looks At me with his empty green eyes. I can feel pain in my heart as he breaks the eye contact and turns his back on me.
"Leo?"
"Leo look at me!"
"Don't even bother Ciara just leave."
"No! Im not leaving leo! Not until we sit down and talk to each other like people!"
"Fine! What do you want?"
"Are you being serious right now?"
"Fuck you!"
"Stop with the attitude!"
"Fine.."
"Leo I really do care about you. Bjt im still married to your brother and I love him."
"I'm much better than him! I would treat you better! I know what you want I could take care of you and I wouldn't leave just like he did.."
"Leo.."
"No I mean it I fucking love you Ciara your everything I need and want!"
He stands up staring down at me.
"Leo.."
"Just say it Ciara!"
I stand up and look him in the eyes.
"Ciara i love you.."
And he leans down until his lips touch my lips.
•
Ring ring ring!
"Hello?"
"Hey bitch!"
"Hi"
"Where the fuck are you! I just had a fucking baby and you come once and then end up running off the hospital! Wtf Ciara!?"
"Hospitals turn on my anxiety Bella and chill the fuck out!"
"Im coming home today just so you know.."
"Okay."
"I talked to Andrew."
"And?"
"Well he says he haven't heard from you in while and he's worried about you why don't you fucking answer his text?"
"His text? What text? He haven't send me Any text Bella!"
"Yes he has!"
"No I hasn't I wouldn't fucking ignore him!"
"You and leo are getting pretty close huh"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well i don't know your husband is not here and you are spending awfully lot time with his twin brother that looks almost exactly like him. Kind of shady don't you think. Like you're replacing Andrew with Leo."
"Bella I would never do that! Me and leo are just friends!"
"What ever you are boring so bye"
And she hang up wtf is wrong with her? She's being a moody bitch..
I check my phonecall history.
Like I thought no missed calls from Andrew or any text.. What's wrong with Bella...
My phone rings again and I just answer with out seeing who it is.
"Bella seriously if you won't stop being a fucking bitch I have no interest in talking to you!"
"Ehh Hey babe"
"Andrew?"
"Yes"
"Sorry I thought you were Bella .."
"Ciara what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you haven't been answering my calls or reply to my text. And it feels a little bit like your ignoring me.."
"I haven't got any text from you Andrew! And I'm not ducking ignoring you!"
"Okay chill Ciara. No need to raise your voice!"
"Sorry Bella has just been bothering me. Telling me I'm a bitch for ignoring you and Accusing me of replacing you with Leo."
"What?"
"Yeah so I'm. Pretty pissed at the moment!"
"Why would she think that?"
"I don't even fucking know Andrew me and leo are just friends.. I don't think it's wrong of me to befriend my husbands twin brother.like I ain't a fucking slut because I have friends! I can talk to who ever I like! And how dares she accusing me of cheating that bitch!"
"Ciara calm the fuck down!"
And I try holding my tears back. I'm so fucking done! I'm done! I can't do this anymore.. I have two friends other than my husband and one is in love with me and other is calling me names and slut shaming me. I slide down the wall and finally letting my tears flow from my eyes.
"Ciara?"
"Ciara? What's going on!?"
I replay to him with sobs.
"Ciara?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm j-just s-so t-t-tired."
"Then go to sleep Ciara!"
"O-okay."
"Call me when you wake up okay?"
"Sure."
"I love you Ciara."
And I hang up the phone. Staring at the screen. The lock screen is of lola.
I dry my eyes and go get my shoes.
"Lola! Come here!"
And the big Rottweiler runs toward me.
"Wanna go outside?"
She wiggle her tail so I put her thing on her and my earphones in my ear turning the volume on 100%
And then I run outside with lola.
It's raining like crazy outside but I don't mind it I actually love rain. I run and run and run until I collapse on the ground with lola next to me. I look around and see lots of trees. It's beautiful here. Lola licks my face and grin at her. I stand up making my way back. I walk home I don't have lot of energy to run back it looks like I ran around 5 kilometers. I open the door and look into the mirror in the lobby I look hideous. I'm all wet and makeup all over my face and ugh I need to shower like now!
"Where the hell were you Ciara!"
I turn around and see Bella stand in the stairs staring at me.
"Oh go to hell Bella."
And I walk past her to my bedroom. Stripping down my wet clothes and getting towel ready and brush trough my messy hair before I jump into hot shower.
I hear knock at the door. Damn can't I get moment of peace?
"Who is it?!"
"Emm it's me?"
I hear Leo's voice and I grab towel and put around my body and open the door and look at leo standing there.
"Can I come in?"
"Why?"
"I um need to talk to you"
"Okay then"
And I open the door more so he can come in.
"So?"
"Where were you? You were gone for like 2 hours!"
"And to be honest you look like shit"
"Well thank you and I went out for a run why do everybody care all of sudden?"
"Just worried"
"Why?"
"Because I though you might be hurt.."
And he stares at his toes.
"Well thank you for your concern but I need to shower now."
And all of sudden he stares at me with much of interest. Smirking at me
"Shower huh?"
"Yes"
"Without me?"
"Yes leo with out you"
"You sure?"and he pulls him self closer to me. Looking me in the eyes and plays with the edge of my towel with his fingers As he pulls my towel away leaving me completely naked.
"Your beautiful"
He whisper as he strokes my hair behind my ear.
"Leo.."
"Hush"
And he puts his finger on my lips and then pulls closer and closer until his lips meet mine.
Why does he do this to me? Why do I let him pull me into this ? Why can I so easily get lost in his arms?
"Leo?"
"What"
I pull away from him stepping little back.
"We can't do this. Bella is starting to suspect things."
"I don't care "
"I cAre leo! I care!"
He steps closer to me and leaving no space between us.
"One last time okay?"
He smirks as I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him passionate kiss. Ripping him out of his clothes and pushing him into the bathroom.
"I knew you couldn't stay away from me cupcake"
And he pulls me into him arms and kisses me jaw and goes lower to my neck and I moan as I push him under the water.
-
"Ciara?"
"Yes?"
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Sometimes."
I can feel him breath down my neck.
"I wish you were mine."
I turn to him and give him a little kiss on the lips.
"Your such a tease Ciara"
"I like you but this can't happen"
He stares at me with sad expression on his face.
"Your beautiful Ciara. You really are I love the way your hair curls down covering your boobs. And your blue eyes pierce into mine when I look at them, I love the way you smile when your happy, I admire how strong you are fighting those demons in your head" he brush his fingers down my cheek.
"I love the way you don't care about what people think about you, and how amazing you make my body feel when we make love. I adore you Ciara I really do and you deserve the best. I know me and you can never happen but being here now with you an. Spending time with you is probably the Only time I feel sane."
I can feel read running down me cheek. I dry my eyes and bury my face in his neck and pulling him in hug. I never want to let him go. He may be crazy but I sure feel lot better around him than being alone. He makes me believe there is hope for me, that I may actually be strong enough to live another day.
He pulls away and turns his back on me and walks out the door leaving me alone in the room.
Alone with my demons..