I'm not lost.

Chapter 22 Self destruction.

"Ciara your such a bitch! Like what the fuck is even wrong with you!? I thought you were my best friend?!"
"I'm sorry Bella.."
"I don't fucking care if your sorry! You suck as a friend! Your a selfish fake ass cunt!"
"Bella enough!"
"Shut the fuck up leo! Nobody fucking cares about you! Just go kill yourself already!"
"Bella!"
Im so shocked that Bella would say anything as cruel As that to anyone!
Leo doesn't seem to take it in. He just smirks at her
"well you would enjoy that wouldn't you?"
"So bloodthirsty sister."
"Shut up shut up! I bloody fucking hate you and you why won't you two go and fuck each other! If you aren't doing that already?! I don't know what Andrew sees in you Ciara and why the fuck he protects you leo! You two are worthless piece of shits and you two can go rot in hell!"
I can't take more. I try to hold in the tears but I can't I turn away and run to my room.
Finding my razor and taking the razor blade out of it crying my eyes out.
one cut on the wrist,two cuts,thee cuts.
Every time I do this I get control of my emotion and start to feel numb instead. I keep cutting my wrist until I'm completely numb. Sitting on my bathroom floor blood dripping out off my wrist. I did cut kind of deep. I hear a knock on the door but I don't care. I stare at the blood drip on the floor and then I close my eyes.

"Ciara!"
"Ciara!!"
"Ciara! Shit what did you do!!"
I open my eyes looking at leo. He looks worried I give him half smile and greet him.
"Are you fucking serious Ciara?!"
"What?"
"What?!what?! Can't you see all that blood around you!"
I look down where blood has been dripping of my wrist. Why is he acting like that? It's not like I made suicide attempt it's just by cuts. He takes a clean towel and wets it,then he sits beside me taking my wrist and cleaning the blood of with the towel.
I look at my wrist shit I lost control.. How am I going to cover this shit up?
"Ciara? Why would you do this to your self?"
"I don't know"
I lie I used to do this in my past a lot. It helped me have control over my mind.
He stands up picking up the first kit box in my bathroom and then takes the bandage and raps it around my wrist. I give him a smile then stand up and go out off my uncomfortable cloths and slip into bed. He watches me from the door. I dont care if leo sees me naked anymore. I don't give single fuck anymore. I bury my face into the pillow and then fall into deep dreamless sleep.
•
"Thanks leo. "
"For what?"
"Taking care of her. I shouldn't have left. Look at her she's a mess!"
I hear Andrew voice next to me he's having a conversation with Leo about me. I pretend to be asleep because I want to hear what they have to say.
"No Andrew she's not a mess. She's sick mentally."
"Just like me and you"
"No.not like me and you Andrew she's on the edge of self destruction. She's dying."
"What?"
"You haven't been around for long time now Andrew. She has these terrible panic attacks, it looks like she's dying it's terrible, she goes for these runs where she disappears for hours and when she's back she's ruined and just lays in bed the rest of the day, she rarely eats she lost around 10 kilos! And I swear when I found her last night I thought that was it! The blood puddle next to her and her bloody wrists and she had closed eyes and didn't move "
"Leo.."
"No you can't just come here and call her a mess! She's not a mess and if she is she's damn beautiful one!"
"Leo I think it's time for you to leave."
My heart shrinks. Does leo really care so much about me? And does Andrew only think about me as an mess? Damn Ciara..
"Fine!"
And he slams the door behind him. Andrew sits on the bed next to me cupping my cheek.
"Ciara?"
"Wake up babe!"
He kisses my cheek and then turns to my neck. I feel sick to my stomach.
"I missed you"
he mumbles down in my neck.
He pulls me into his arm and forces his lips on mine.
"wake up!"
He then turn to my cheeks and jaw Then neck. Then he's kissing my boobs, he then lowers down my belly and then he finally stops when my panties are in his way.
"Guess I have to wake you up this sweet way."
I hear him mumble. My eyes flutter open as he pulls down my panties I want to kick him in the face but I can't move s limp. I want to scream for leo beg him to take his brother off me. I feel tear leaving my eyes.
"God damn it woman won't you wake up!"
He's getting angry for my body not to respond to his touch he looks at me and notice my eyes are open.
"Hey babe."
And he kisses me on the lips.
I pull my self off him and grab the big t-shirt km the floor and pull it over my head. Then I go to the bathroom and lock the door after me.
"Babe?"
And I hear knock on the door.
"Babe? What's wrong? Ain't you happy to see your sweet husband again?"
I don't answer. I'm staring at my self in the mirror. Leo was right in on the edge of self destruction.
You can see my rips clearly and how pale I am. I have big bags under my eyes and then I look at my wrist. I look how nicely leo wrapped it up last night. If he hadn't done that I would had seen my terrible shattered wrist.
Knock knock knock
" Ciara of you don't open this door I have to force it open."
I open it grabbing shorts on the floor and then I leave the room. I head toward the kitchen. I pick myself a fruit and chop it down. Then I hear voices coming toward me and I panic not wanting anybody to see my wrist. I see Leo's hoodie on the chair and I grab it and pull it over me head.
I drink my smoothie and then I head out of the kitchen as I see Bella come. I need a cigaret. I feel wet nose touching my naked legs.
"Oh hello there lola."
I light my cigaret and suck on my cigaret.
Lola sits beside me. She's so protective over me. God I love this dog.
"Hey cupcake."
I Don't need to look at him to know who it is. But I don't feel like talking so I don't answer him.
"Andrews tells me he's having trouble talking to you. That you just leave him and won't speak word to him."
I don't care I stare into the maze and light on another cigaret.
"Ciara."
"Ciara what happens last night can never ever happen again I was so scared!"
Enough of this I can't handle this everybody pretending to give a shit about me. I stand up and walk toward the maze leaving leo behind. I hear him follow me but I don't care.
I walk and walk until I find a place I feel like staying at.
I see him come closer to me and sit beside me quietly not saying anything and I appreciate his silent.
"Nice hoodie"
I look at him and I find no word to say back to him so I just nod knowing perfectly well the sarcasm he had in his voice. He pulls me into side hug .
ring ring
I open my eyes giving leo strange look as he pulls his phone out off his pocket.
He shoots me a sorry look and answer it.
"Hello brother"
"Where are you?"
"Maze"
"Okay I'm coming"
My body stiffens when I hear those words and leo noticing.
"Nahh man don't do that."
"Why not?"
"I'll just come to you?"
"Are you hiding something from me?"
"No brother."
"Okay ill see you in 10 minutes"
"Sure"
And he hangs up the phone.
"Sorry I need to leave"
I give him half smile as he gives me a small kiss on the lips and walks away.
•
"Lola!"
"Lola come here!"
And the beautiful lola appears ready to go out for a run. It just stopped raining. Bummer I love running in rain.
"Ready lola?"
And we start running.
I run and run until I collapse into the ground and I lay in a beautiful Forrest looking up into the skies. I'm half in a puddle but I don't care. I rip my bandage off. I'm itching under it. Then I stand up and start running back with Lola.
•
"Ciara?"
"What?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
he pulls my wrist up.
"This? Why are you. Hurting yourself ?!"
"I don't know I'm a mess."
And I turn my back on him. I strip down leaving the sweaty dirty clothes on the basket. Walk around the room naked and picking up new clean clothes.
I can feel Andrews eyes follow me around the room.
I go into the bathroom not bothering to close the door after me and I take quick shower. Andrew is at the door staring at me.
"Your staring"
"I don't care. I can look at my wife"
Wife long time since I've been called that it's weird hearing it.
I look at him and stick my tongue out at him
He giggles
"How mature"
I smile and keep dressing myself.
"Why are you dressing?"
"Because that's what people do?"
"I've missed you"
And he walks toward me. Leaving no space between us.
"I love you no matter what Ciara. Remember that. I can love you enough for the both of us."
and he kisses me forehead and pulls me into a hug. I hear his heart beat and it's calming. I put my arms around his waist as he pulls little away to look me into the eyes. And then he leans down to a kiss.
"I love you endlessly Ciara !"