I'm not lost.

Chapter 23 Jerk.

"You saw my pain washed out in the rain Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart And you knelt beside my hope torn apart"
I sit outside in the maze smoking my lungs out and listening to Mumford and sons.
What is life even? What am I doing?
I have no purpose what so ever. I do not work, I don't have children or any sort of thing to live for.
Andrew is back for good he said. He said he's never leaving me again. I was not alone while he was gone I had leo. The sweet leo with the green eyes. Leo loves me he said. I feel sorry for him I feel sorry for everybody who love me. It must be terrible loving someone who can't even love herself.
I take the last smoke and leave the maze. I've had enough feeling sorry for myself. I'm not weak like this I used to be strong once I can be again.

I walk in the house where I spot Ana on the floor playing with her toys.
She sure is a beautiful child. I see no one around so I sit next to her and play with her.
She has the sweetest most adorable laugh ever!
"She's beautiful isn't she?"
I'm so startled not aspecting someone around. I turn around hesitant and see Christopher looking at both of us with smile on his face.
"She is."
And I repay his smile
"You know you really hurt Bella."
"She hurt me to."
"She wanted you there. At the hospital she wanted to have her best friend by her side when she hd her baby for the first time. But you had left she cried a lot that night."
"I wanted to be there but I couldn't."
"Why?"
"I don't want to talk about it Chris"
"Well im not giving you choice Ciara. We deserve some explanation why you ran off not once but twice!"
Is he fucking serious is he threatening me? I stand up not allowing him to believe that he's above me.
"Chris you know nothing about me or my past. You have no right standing on your high horse and look down on me. And before you come screaming and yelling accusing people you two should take time knowing why."
I stand up giving him my deadliest look.
"But it's to late now. You've already made your choice by talking down on me. You may think you know what's going on in my head or that you know me but you don't!"
"Then tell me Ciara tell me I'm all ears!"
"I don't have to tell you anything. I owe you nothing Christopher."
"Oh please you just say so because you don't want to admit how terrible jealous you are! You didn't want to hold Ana because she wasin't yours and Bella had baby before you and you want one so you're mad at Bella for having one!"
"Oh you did not! Just so you know I don't want a fucking baby! And if you really want to know why I ran of the fucking hospital I'll tell you! And in the end when you come crawling back at me begging for forgiveness I won't be here!"
"My dad was historical narcissist he used to abuse me all time! Specially when I got older wanting my own life! He kicked me and hit me until I got into the hospital! One time my father was drunk and I've had enough of his shit I attempted to leave the house! Living by myself starting fresh I was already out of the door when he runs after me with a baseball bat and hits me nearly to death. I was at the hospital for a fucking month afterward with no one by my side. My sister should had been there but she had just killed herself few moths earlier! Leaving all alone with my narcissist father who would rather kill me then letting me leave! I'm not very fond of hospitals specially when those memories come flashing back! And I get terrible fucking panic attacks! I stayed there for 3 hours holding my shit together while Bella gave birth until it came to much I tried Christopher I tried my best to be there but i couldn't stay there minute longer"
Tears are running down my cheeks and my voice echoes as I think about the time when my dad almost killed me. Christopher stands there saying nothing staring at me paralyzed.
"I-I had n-no idea"
"Yeah well fuck you Chris! She was my best friend! And she fucking left me! It's not my fault for what you two do!"
And I I turn around walking to my bedroom locking the door after me.
I walk into the bathroom.

Flashback begins

"Where the fuck do you think you're going Ciara! Do you think you can just leave your papa!"
"Fuck you!"
And I speed up trying to walk him of when I feel something crashing into my back leaving nasty pain there. I fall into the ground.
"You think you can just leave me?"
"How stupid are you"
I see it now he's holding a baseball bat and he beats me again with it nowby my rios and I can hear and feel my bones breaking as I scream out in pain")
One cut, three cut,five cuts.
("Papa stop"
"You won't leave me!"
"Your not allowed to leave me like your mother and sister did!"
"Papa im sorry im so so sorry!"
I cry out in pain wanting him to stop hurting me I feel blood dripping out of my face.
"I rather kill you then let you leave Ciara."
And I hear sirens in distance coming near every second.
He throws the bat away and grabs my shirt and pulls me up but I can't stand. He looks me in the eyes with his green eyes as he whisper "you're nothing without your papa. You have no life. I'm your life."
And he throws me around the parking lot and walks slowly inside leaving me behind.

Flashback ends

Knock knock knock im shaking back to reality when I hear the banging in the door and screaming.
"Ciara open the fucking door!"
"Ciara!"
I look at the door why is he so angry then I look at the blade in my hand and the blood drip in out of my wrist into the sink.
Fuck...
I start to panic
"Emm I'm alright."
"Stop lying to me Ciara Wilson! You will open this fucking door right now or in crashing it down."
I turn on the water and clean the blood of and then I pull my sleeve down so the cuts don't see and I open the door looking at Leo's furious face as he push the doors open scanning the bathroom then me.
He grabs my shoulder
"Are you alright?"
He says this with such smooth caring voice. He's so sweet.
"Yeah"
He looks at me and pulls me into hug I grab his waist and he bury his face in my neck.
"I was so worried about you"
"I'm okay"
"Wait why is your sleeve wet?"
"Ehh what do you mean?"
"It's wet" and he pulls me away staring at my hands
"I was cleaning the sink! And I must put my hand accidentally under the water or something."
He touches my sleeve leaving his finger red.
"Ciara why are you lying to me"
And he pulls my sleeve up leaving a messy wrist covered in blood there.
"Ciara! You said you were okay? Why do you keep lying to me!?"
"I didn't want you to worry.."
I'm so ashamed and I can't look im him in the eyes so I stare at the floor.
His fingers pulls my chin up making me look him in the eyes.
"I love you Ciara im always going to worry about you!"
I don't want him talk anymore so I shit him up the only way I know I grab his head and pull him closer to me and kiss his lips. I kiss him like there is no tomorrow.he pulls me up to the sink and I sit there while making out with him. In enjoying this moment to the fullest!
Knock knock
"Ciara."
"Ciara it's me."
I'm so startled and I push leo away from me.
I Walk toward the door and open it slightly looking at Bella which is standing there. With huge guilty expression on her face.
"I-i em Chris told me everything."
I stare at her not knowing what to say. I never told her about my dad much or what he did to me. But she knew me and hospitals did not do good together.
"Can I come in ?"
"No"
"Ciara.."
"I said no"
"I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to hurt you! I was just so mad and let my disorder get the best off me!.."
"I don't care. I told Christopher I wouldn't be here when you assholes came crawling back and I meant that."
And I close the door locking it after me. I hear Bella sob behind the door but I don't care she hurt me. Hurt me bad.
"Ciara?"
I feel touch on my shoulder.
I look at the beautiful boy next to me with such love in his eyes.
"Are you okay?"
And he strokes away tear with his fingers.
I let my self into his arms and start sobbing like baby.
"I just want to die leo! Is that to much to ask for im so tired! I can't handle more pain and more people leaving and people playing with my feelings!"
He pulls me closer to his chest.
"You wouldn't dare to leave me."