Ludic Selcouth #4: Panacea

Chapter 35

I let the cold wind whistle along with itʼs embracement on my trembling body. I stared at his tomb as I lingered my finger at the engraved name. Mace...

I forced myself to smile as I started to lay down at the grass just beside his tomb. Tumitig ako sa mga bituing nasa langit habang pinipigilan ang mga luhang nagbabadya na namang tumulo. “How are you hanging there, Mace? Iʼm sorry I couldnʼt visit you last week... Schedule was so tight... Iʼm thinking if I should resign now. I want to focus on my own investigation about your case. The police are fucking useless. They still havenʼt found the man who hurt you. It frustrates mo so much... Habang tumatagal, parang mas pinapabayaan na lang nila ang kaso mo. We need to get the justice before your death anniversary takes place. Hindi ko hahayaang mas tumagal pa 'to... The person who did this to you must suffer... He will never get away with what he did to you...”

It still hurts so much. Sa mga nagdaang buwan, ilang beses na akong nagpabalik-balik sa presinto para humingi ng update sa imbestigasyon. Hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring magandang balita. Maceʼs mom is also getting tired, sheʼs already thinking to give up. Sabi niya pa ay hayaan na naming tuluyang mamahinga sa tahimik ang anak niya. I wanted to be mad. Walang matatahamik hanggaʼt hindi nahuhuli ang taong pumatay sa kaniya.

“Magagalit ka ba sa akin kung kakapit na rin ako sa patalim para mahuli ang nanakit saʼyo? I need to go deeper into their world... The disgusting world. Iyon na lang ang naiisip kong paraan para mahanap ko siya. I hope youʼll understand...” parang kahapon lang ang mga nangyari. Sobrang sariwa pa rin ng sakit sa puso ko. I can still remember his lifeless body... It still hunts me in my dreams. Minsan, ayoko na lang matulog dahil palaging ang pagkamatay ni Mace ang nasa panaginip ko.

“I wish I can bring you some good news once I go back for a visit next week. Baka kasi nagsasawa ka na sa puro iyak at hindi magandang balita na dala ko.” I always cry whenever Iʼll sit in front of his tomb. Sobrang dami pa ring what ifs ang umiikot sa utak ko. What if buhay pa siya? Ano na kayang ganap sa aming dalawa kung hindi niya ako iniwan?

“I panicked the other day when I didnʼt find the anklet on my ankle. Nakalimutan ko na namang tinatanggal ko nga pala 'yon kapag natutulog dahil ayokong magkaroon ng kahit kaunting sira. Itʼs the last thing that you gave me... I will keep it with me until I die.” I brushed my hands at the soft grass beside me, pretending that heʼs just with me.

“Alam mo bang tinatawagan pa rin ako ni Ana? Akala ko sa una lang din siya magaling, sa una lang aakto na may pakialam tapos kapag tumagal, unti-unti na ring mawawala. I guess she really loves you truly. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap na hindi mo man lang siya nabanggit sa 'kin. Nagtatampo pa rin ako saʼyo, ah... Lagi tayong updated sa lovelife ng isaʼt-isa tapos itinago mo iyong tungkol sa babaeng 'yon.” I inhaled deeply as I listened at the continuous whistling of the wind. For almost a year of visiting him twice a week, this is what I always hear. Nagpapanggap na lang ako na naririnig ni Mace ang mga sinasabi ko. It helps me cope a little with the undying sorrow inside me.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata at ininda ang mas lumalamig pang paligid. Sometimes, I will fall asleep in this position. I donʼt really mind because somehow, seeing Maceʼs tomb beside me whenever Iʼll open my eyes from a sleep makes me feel like heʼs still at my side. Nawawala lang ang mga bangungot kapag nakakatulog ako sa tabi niya.

I stayed there for a couple of hours, just talking about a lot of random things. Nang makunteto ako para sa gabi na 'yon ay tumayo na ako at pinagpagan ang sarili. Nagpaalam ako sa kaniya bago tumalikod at mabagal na naglakad. In general, this cemetery would look creepy for other people. Specially because itʼs evening now, though there are lights mounted on poles everywhere. It helps to illuminate some parts of the graveyard. I just prefer to visit at this time because both Mace and I favors the night.