Ludic Selcouth #4: Panacea

Chapter 36

I touched my cheek and inhaled deeply. I can do this... I sat properly while calming myself. I loved throwing myself at him, I was so good at it. I can do it again this time. Even if he ignores me, I will run after him. I am doing this for Mace, I should remind myself that Christopher De Veraʼs cooperation will lay on this.

I continued waiting at the lounge. I tried to contact Tase a while ago after their concert, and luckily, he answered my call. He wasnʼt in a good mood but he responded to all my questions. Castriel will go home to his condo tonight, I canʼt waste the chance.

I waited for hours, and in those hours, my heart never calmed down. It was already around 2 am when I saw him walking towards the elevator. For a moment, I didnʼt know what to do. I just stared at him from the distance, unable to move. Heʼs still standing out even from a far, nothing changed. Even if my heart is already cartwheeling and somersaulting inside my ribcage, I forced myself to stand up. I was half-running just to reach him before he completely enter the elevator. I can see from my peripheral vision that the guard is already walking towards me, sisitahin niya ako.

Castriel successfully went inside the elevator. Bago pa 'yon tuluyang sumara ay isiniksik ko ang sarili hanggang sa makapasok din ako. My pulse continued to throb wildly when I saw how the elevator door completely closed. Hindi agad ako nakagalaw at nanatiling nakatalikod sa kaniya. I can feel his stares piercing on my back, it just worsen my anxiety.

Ilang segundong namayani ang katahimikan sa amin. I am still trying to compose myself but I think that will not happen. Pinilit ko na ang sarili na humarap kay Castriel at itinago ang nanginginig na kamay mula sa likuran. Our eyes immediately met. I secretly blew a shaky breath as I stared at his face, completely swallowing any shame that will come to me. Itʼs evident to his face how beaten he is. His eyes are droopy but his forehead creased when our staring contest become longer.

“Mackenzie,” he acknowledged at last. Ikinuyom ko ang mga kamay at pinigilan ang sarili na mag-iwas ng tingin mula sa kaniya.

“Letʼs talk,” I said and cleared my throat after. He blinked, confusion slowly flooding on his expression. He took a step towards me. Wala sa sarili akong napaatras pero agad din na pinigilan ang sarili.

“You declined my means to communicate with you for more than a year, and now, you want to talk to me?” my breath shallowed. I made sure to remain my chin-up and straight face.

“I told you I needed time.” he just gave me a catatonic stare. Hindi agad siya nagsalita kaya panay na ang kutkot ko sa kuko. Iʼm sure that Castriel is mad at me right now, and I should also feel the same way. Heʼs still the one who put my cellphone in silent mode thatʼs why I failed to answer Maceʼs calls that night. But I realized that between the two of us, itʼs me who should be blamed of mostly. Sa akin tumawag si Mace, ako ang hindi sumagot dahil busy ako kay Castriel.

“What do you want?” he asked using his monotonous voice.

“I want to fix us,” diretso kong sagot habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. Kailangan ko munang maibalik ang dati naming pagsasama para pakinggan niya ako. Hindi ko pwedeng madaliin, I canʼt just straight-up told him that he should talk to his biological father. He will immediately dismiss me if Iʼll do that.

“Fix us? Why?” I swallowed.

“Iʼm sorry for throwing you the blame... even if itʼs really my fault in the first place. I was mourning... The words that I said, those are the seed of my sorrow for Maceʼs sudden death. I didnʼt mean to say those...”

The elevator opened. Napahinga ako nang malalim at mariing ipinikit ang mata nang lagpasan niya ako. Agad din akong sumunod sa kaniya hanggang sa marating namin ang tapat ng kaniyang condo. I tailed him until we get inside, he didnʼt say a thing. Hindi ko alam kung anong kalalabasan ng pag-uusap na 'to, but itʼs better to always try. I know that Castriel truly loved me. We just lasted for three months, but that short time is enough to make me feel that weʼre sharing the same heartstrings.