Ludic Selcouth #4: Panacea

Chapter 42

TRIGGER WARNING: SENSITIVE TOPICS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS CHAPTER (depressive thoughts, suicide attempt, drug usage, etc.) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, JUST SKIP THE PART THAT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU.

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“Do you know how the vocalist of Nirvana died?” he asked on a chilly but slurry voice. Hindi ako nakagalaw at nanatili ang titig sa baril na nasa tabi niya. He has a gun... Shit... He has a fucking gun beside him!

“He shot himself,” he answered his own question.

“Do you know how the vocalist of the black metal band, Mayhem, died?” he asked again. Tears started to brim my eyes because of the growing fear inside my chest. I can feel my stomach twisting, I feel like Iʼm gonna throw up.

“He also shot himself to death.” tuluyan siyang nag-angat ng tingin at nagtagpo ang mga mata namin. His eyes are glassy, underneath it are dark circles, his skin is so flush, and heʼs grown a stubble. Gulo-gulo rin ang buhok pati na ang damit niya. My heart continued to hurt while looking at him. Ano bang ginagawa niya sa sarili niya?

“I wonder why band men tend to feel negative emotions amidst their popularity... They had it all... The talent, the attention and support of millions of people, the wealth... We should be contented, we should be fucking happy... Pero napapansin mo ba kung gaanong karami ang nagpapakamatay sa kanila kahit na gaano pa ka-ideal ang buhay nila?” he chuckled as he tried to lift his hand, only it looks heavy. Mas natakot ako nang subukan niyang abutin ang baril.

“Castriel, donʼt... Please—”

“People thinks that just because youʼre being surrounded with a lot of fans, or even families and friends, youʼre not capable of feeling... empty anymore. We have noises everywhere... The noise that weʼre creating with our instruments is something to be proud of... But how about the noise inside our heads? How about the fucking voices who keeps on screaming that itʼs still not enough... Itʼs exhausting... The unending expectations... unending pressure... One bad move, youʼre fucking ruined. One unexpected truth, one disgusting facticity, and youʼre done.” halos hindi na ako huminga habang sinusundan ng tingin ang bawat galaw niya. Bawat salita, bawat hinanakit na lumalabas sa bibig niya, lahat parang tumutusok sa dibdib ko.

“Was it my fault? Was it my fault that I have a father like him?” tears escaped my eyes as I shook my head vehemently. It will never be his fault!

“He broadcasted it everywhere... He ruined everything... He ruined his life, he ruined my life, and now heʼs ruining my career,” matigas na aniya. I saw how his grip tightened around the gun. I wanted to run at that moment, gusto kong hablutin ang barili palayo sa kaniya. Pero natatakot ako... Paano kung biglang na lang iyong pumutok? Paano kung... I clenched my hands tightly. The nightmare canʼt happen... It canʼt...

“I want to leave... Just let me leave this hell...” he whispered. Nanlaki ang mata ko nang mas iangat niya pa ang baril. No...

“I thought heroin can fucking help me, turns out itʼs just another temporary shit. Made me euphoric for a short period of time, and then gone. Mixing it with alcohol made it worse,” he said and snickered. My teeth chattered with what I heard. Heroin... heroin... heroin... He mixed it with alcohol...

“Shit, Castriel! Did you drink it?! My god... itʼs dangerous... Too dangerous...” my voice cracked. Tumingin ulit siya sa 'kin habang may naglalarong ngiti sa mga labi niya.

“You should probably know by now... He must have tell you already... My asshole of a father killed your own... He put a bullet right in his head after he caught him in bed together with my mom.” my knees wobbled. Tinakpan ko ang bibig at mariing pumikit. He knows too...