Ludic Selcouth #4: Panacea

Epilogue

“You should just live with us instead of being alone there, Castriel. Stop smoking and drinking too much, youʼre ruining your health,” my mother said for the thousandth time. I didnʼt say anything and just continued to puff on my cigarette. Iʼm already used to this, sa sobrang sanay ay wala nang dating ang mga sinasabi niya sa akin. Itʼs like a useless mantra that I donʼt plan to follow.

“You want to be on a popular band? You can have it here. Your dad can help you find a good music agency that will surely make your bandʼs name boom. Sisikat ka pa internationally, you donʼt have to settle for less. It will take you years before you achieve the popularity that you want if youʼll pursue your career there—”

“I already have a band here, and just to let you know, weʼre starting to climb the spotlight. Weʼre being known not by anyoneʼs connection, weʼre working hard for it. I donʼt need any of your help.” Ludic Selcouth can fucking shine without pulling some strings.

“Castriel, please... I just want you to have a better life. Sumunod ka na lang dito sa 'min. Hindi ka na rin naman bumibisita sa Laguna, you donʼt even visit your real dad in jail. Whatʼs the point of living there?” my grip on the phone tightened. How many times did I already tell her to stop mentioning that man?

“I donʼt have a dad, wala akong dapat na bisitahin,” matigas kong sabi. I heard her sigh.

“Heʼs still your father by blood and flesh. Itʼs been more than a decade, atleast try to forgive him—”

“Forgive? Whatʼs to forgive, mom? I donʼt know what youʼre talking about.”

“Casti—”

“I need to go, talk to you soon.” hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin niya at tuluyang pinatay ang tawag. Malalim akong napabuntong hininga at mariing pumikit. Talking to her is so exhausting. I wish she will just stop contacting me. Hindi ko na sila kailangan, ni hindi na ako nanghihingi ng sustento sa kanila. I can already provide for myself, but they still try to give me things.

“Hey, everything alright?” napalingon ako kay Tase. Tumango na lang ako at inabot sa kaniya ang kaha ng sigarilyo.

“Babalik ka pa sa loob?”

“No, Iʼll go home. Iʼm tired.” mga frat mates lang naman ang kasama namin ngayon. For all I know, theyʼre already high from smoking weeds and using ecstasy, I wouldnʼt want to go back inside. Theyʼre going to force us to try it. I could, but Iʼm not in the mood anymore after talking to my mother.

Tase tapped my back and nodded. “Sige, sabihan ko na lang sila. Ingat.”

Kinabukasan ng gabi ay nagkaroon kami ng gig sa EC bar. It was fun hearing the screams and cheers of the people. I can only feel genuine happiness when Iʼm upstage while holding my electric guitar. The sounds that weʼre creating are able to drown the sadness inside me. Hindi ko alam kung saan na ako pupulutin ngayon kung hindi nabuo ang Ludic Selcouth.

“Iʼll leave, minor shits,” pagpapaalam ni Paesyn nang matapos ang gig. Panay ang tukso sa kaniya nila Rush pero tinanguan ko na lang siya. Heʼs 17, he shouldnʼt be allowed to enter this bar, but since weʼre doing a gig, weʼre able to do something about it.

“Nomi na,” natutuwang sabi ni Zath at pabagsak na naupo sa couch. I silently reach for the bottle of beer when a girl sat beside me. Saglit ko lang siyang sinulyapan at tumungga sa bote. I felt her rest her hand on my thigh while saying nonsense things. Hindi ko siya pinansin at nakipag-usap na lang kina Tase.

“May upcoming initiation ang frat niyo, 'di ba? Sali na kami ni Zath?” tanong ni Rush.

“Gago, 'wag na,” agad na sabi ni Tase. Hindi naman ako nag-kumento at pinagmasdan lang sila. Rush and Zath are both incoming freshmen, theyʼve been giving hints about wanting to join our frat.