Ludic Selcouth #4: Panacea

Chapter 43

Pareho kaming tahimik ni Castriel habang nasa loob ng sasakyan. Iʼm driving us back to his cabin in the middle of the forest. Ayoko sana... Our last memory in that place was horrible... But this is his choice. He just finished his Drug Detox, heʼs recovering and I wouldnʼt want anything but to grant his requests.

Saglit akong sumulyap sa kaniya at nakitang nakasandal lang ang ulo niya sa backrest ng upuan habang nakapikit. Kinagat ko ang labi at pasimpleng inabot ang kamay niya. I didnʼt dare look at him again the moment I grasp his hand. Itʼs warm... Medyo gumalaw ang kamay niya pero hindi niya ako kinapitan pabalik. Binalewala ko na lang ang munting sakit sa dibdib. Atleast heʼs not pushing my hand away...

“Do you want us to stop over first? Letʼs eat?” tanong ko nang hindi na makayanan ang katahimikan.

“You can eat if you want to, I can just wait here inside the car,” he answered catatonically. Huminga ako nang malalim at hinigpitan ang hawak sa kamay niya.

“On the other hand, letʼs just go on a drive thru and letʼs eat together on your cabin.” hindi na siya nagsalita. I swallowed the bile on my throat while forcing the tears to retreat. Iʼm happy that heʼs already okay, atleast physically... But I hate that he became distant. After he survived that drug overdose until he agreed to do the detox, he remained like this. Ludic Selcouth went into complete at rest just to give Castriel the time that he needs. The only good thing here is we managed to keep the media away. Walang media na nakaalam sa pagtatangka ni Castriel, hindi rin nila alam na pumasok siya sa detox center. Itʼs all on the Ludic Selcouth, they did everything to make sure that the witnesses will shut their mouths.

Dumaan ako sa drive thru para um-order ng early dinner namin ni Castriel. Tuloy-tuloy na ang byahe pagkatapos noon. I held his hand the whole time. There are times that he will loosely grip my pinky finger back, but he will immediately let go of it the moment he realize what he was doing.

Nang makarating kami sa lupa niya ay dire-diretso siyang lumabas ng sasakyan at pumasok agad sa loob ng cabin. Mabilis naman akong sumunod habang bitbit ang pagkain. When I reached the doorway, I saw him standing at the center while roaming his eyes around. Iginala ko rin ang paningin at nakahinga nang maluwag nang makita sobrang linis na ng buong lugar, walang bakas ng kung ano mang nangyari two weeks ago.

“Whereʼs the gun?” I went cold with his question. Inilapag ko ang paper bag sa lamesa at nilapitan siya.

“Why are you asking about that thing?” kabado kong tanong nang tumigil ako sa harapan niya. He looked at me seriously.

“Iʼm not going to do anything, Iʼm just asking,” he dodged. I sighed and went even closer to him.

“You were licensed to have it, but your grandparents have to confiscate it. You canʼt hold that thing again...” unti-unti ko siyang niyakap ay isinandal ang ulo sa dibdib niya. I missed him so much... He refused to entertain any visitors when he was on detox, even his bandmates. We had to wait until he finished...

We were silent for seconds. He was just standing still while I embrace him. I tightened my hug even more until I finally felt his hand rest on my back. Halos hindi ako huminga nang marahan niyang haplusin ang buhok ko.

“Iʼm sorry...” he whispered so quietly I can barely hear it. Hindi ako gumalaw at nanatili lang na mariing nakapikit. Hindi pa kami nagkakaroon ng maayos na pag-uusap pagkatapos ng gabing 'yon. Iʼm afraid to bring it up... If weʼre going to talk about our relationship, we have to remember what happened for the past month. Simula noong nalaman niya na sinubukan kong magpatulong kay Christopher De Vera hanggang sa pagtatangka niya. I donʼt want to open fresh wounds...

“Come back to me, Casti... Come back to us...” gusto kong kalimutan na lang namin ang mga nangyari, pero alam ko ring hindi 'yon ang solusyon. We have to face everything, even if itʼs so hard.