ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Once Affirmed

I love that you know,
When I need affirmations.
My fear it can grow,
If they're sometimes not stated.

I know that I told you,
That they can be woven in lies.
But I'm finding that truths,
Live more in your eyes.

I loved once before-
It brought a great sadness.
He wanted me dead,
But he couldn't quite ask this.

How?
Did you know?
He said his darkness-
It grows.

Darkness,
I know.
I have it.
It shows.

But his was a kind
That tormented his mind
And sought to bring down
Every challenge in sight.

And I was his challenge,
His topmost contender.
I asked him to grow,
I wanted us better.

I found that my ask,
To him was unfounded.
And so, the contending,
Became all that he wanted.

Every day was a battle,
About this or that.
I tried to be humble.
I tried to lie flat.

His darkness kept growing,
And less I felt knowing.
He taught me my thoughts,
Weren't suited for showing.

So my mouth remained shut.
My words were all three:
Right, wrong, and damning,
So nothing they'll be.

I learned not to speak.
I learned to be nothing.
I learned to be trapped,
In my mind with lost somethings.

Did he hit you? Constricted.
His weight fell like a hammer.
He took all my thoughts,
And smashed them without err.

My mind it cried out,
Writing words on my arms.
But even he knew,
That my thoughts weren't too far.

My teeth gnashed my veins.
My blood mixed with ink stains.
He grabbed at my wrists
And begged me to change them.

I cried every day.
I couldn't escape it.
I loved so damn much,
And he promised he'd change him.

But when the time came
To admit his wronging,
He lied and I died-
It was me, my mind's faulty.

And so I'm a girl,
Who was lost in her 20's,
By a boy who demanded,
My life should be punished.

And now every time,
I feel my mind's needing,
Withdraw in itself,
No demands to be heeding.

You saw that love,
Need be affirmed,
And affirmed it yourself.
And so, I am yours.

And lo, you are mine.
For I found you in time.
In time for one dance,
A time that's sublime.

And now, I will take
What with you I've learned:
I will only seek love
from those once affirmed.

9/7/21