ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

When I Dreamt Dad Died

Last night I dreamt my father died,
And mom waited a week to tell me,
Afraid I'd reply.

She didn't tell me he was sick,
Or how quickly he fell apart,
Or how much he fought how he couldn't drink through his depart.

An infection
Like your brother
Just as you passed him in age.

One moment you were there,
And the next, you were gone,
just the same.

And as far as I knew,
That moment never happened at all.
Since no one told me,
Until that last call.

There was no funeral,
No body to pass,
Covid times remove
Pyres for the living's last.

There was no ash,
No urn,
No place to mourn.

More measures taken for my dog,
In his rainbow bridge urn,
And my horse whose tail
Still sits in a box at our home.

Two differences being,
And one in the same.
My dog got my goodbyes, while
At week's end hoarse news came.

And when I broke down
And cried on the stairs,
Back arched and rounded,
As my body leveled the next step,

I was home...
And permitted to stay,
As you wished all along,
Could finally be played,

Since my mother needed us
like she didn't need you.
Our lives more important
In creationist's view.

My sister hung lotr decor
In your office instead.
Fantastical maps to places nonexistent,
And those left for red.
All to make room for me in your stead.

Mordor,
Mount doom,
Things I liked, and not you.

Tables already moved.
In a week
When I finally knew.

They told me to be silent.
Grieve a bit more quietly.
They already mourned your passing,
Relieved it wasn't so long lasting.

They watched you suffer in death,
As I watched you suffer in life.
And then they made way
For me to take on your strife.

If only you got help.
How would life change?
Or death...

I felt alone.
Alone in my grief.
Just the same.

Like no one would hear me,
Except one, who need not.
Should not.
So I took a shot.

And then I woke up.
Wondering if any part of it was true.
And still, I chose silence.
Who would hear?
Would you?

And who should?
Or who would?
If only I knew.

And you would,
But should not,
So I took a shot.

I checked my email
My therapist fell ill.
My, my, my Corona.
She departed
to stay well.
So I took...aim

Tried to focus on relief
That she was alive.
Bullet dodged in covid times,
As I fired my shots to not be unalive.

Sent a few emails
For someone new
A different style
Lessons,
Place.
Maybe two.

I needed her for weeks,
As she took her break
And now she'd be gone.
Time to find another before intake.

I was tired
And I anticipate silence.
To try again,
build new rapport,
That takes a strength I don't feel anymore.

But it should pass.
Life's only constant is change.
And I tell myself,
It's time for something new
To help me out of this phase.

And I keep seeking help,
So I won't take your place.
In your stead, where you stand.
Sad and alone in your head
With a drink in your hand.

Snooze a reminder
For a new vaccine.
Send a few messages
To a new place to leave.
Hand wash the skins
Of other characters I've lived,
These last few weeks,
More than mine.
All pass in a minute.

Talk to a friend about
The ventures I will try.
Soon enough.
Maybe this time I won't lie,
For now I am tired.

Maybe later this week
I'll take the shot,
Or I'll die,
Or I'll grow ever more weak.

All this after dreaming,
My dad had moved on.
Forced wheels keep on turning,
Life's grief to pass on.

11/1/21