ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Two Much

I am growing tired
Of being too much.

Too loud,
And too proud,
Yet too soft to be touched.

I seem to lose people
Right, left, and center,

When they see all my fire
Blazing in as I enter.

I can't quite figure out
Whether I'm loved or revered.

The same ones who tell me,
Seem crippled by fear.

And I can't tell if my energy
Comes at their cost,

Or if my own is a battery
That they feel is lost.

When I start to sense losing
Those all around me,

I want to be less,
More rooted and grounding.

But my expression is wild
And takes over my actions,

And I frighten away
Those I love with my passion.

I'm overwhelming, I know,
I channel it towards the stages.

But with crowds down to one,
I feel crippled in cages.

I question my friends
Each time I lose an other.

They all have advice
That makes me feel a bit smothered:

"Be true,
And be new,
be uniquely you."

I am,
and I can't
Seem to ease all my blues.

Be less.
I do try,
But I wake up with screams.

Be quiet.
With mouth shut,
I still rip through my seams.

Be soft.
I fall over,
And land with a thud.

Be gentle.
I reach out,
And knock out my dear bud.

When I find one
Who balances these traits,

They still must erase
Themselves from my life's slate.

And so I give it my all,
As the director yells, "Action!",

In hopes I can find
A new fatal attraction.

Fatal, indeed,
They'll fall right at the start,

And fall ever further
As I express my true art.

And then, as I sit
And look back at the show,

My two empty seats
Surrounded by twenty full rows.

As I walk to the front
To accept your applause,

I'll nod ever slowly
And look out with a pause.

My words will fall short,
Voice quaked in defeat.

As my eyes remain glued
To my two empty seats.

I'll look to the lights,
Holding tears in my eyes,

To think of my lines
I tried to memorize.

A cough,
Weights in shift,
A tap on a wrist watch.

My soul,
Deep and low,
And my heart in my crotch.

Throat cleared,
Cheeks with tears,
And my words aided by scotch,

"Be true,
And be you,
But never too much."

AN ARTIST!
One cries,
As they stand in ovation.

And then,
With a bow,
I feign proper elation.

This much,
They don't know,
It comes at a great cost.

To be anything but,
Myself when I'm lost.

And so, I have lied
My words are untruths.

Be you,
And be new.
Be incredibly blue.

And low, now you see,
My truth wrapped in two.

This much becomes paired-
My Self two much for me, too.

10/22/21