ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

How Do You Expect Me To Live, Laugh, Love In These Conditions?

I almost wish that it was something I did.
Because if there was a clear reason,
Maybe I could change it,
and never feel this way again.

I almost wish it was something I did,
Because then it would be
an instance, one chance,
And not everything I am,
or couldn't be in the end.

And I've never felt more
unworthy of love or love's end,
than when losing a one deemed
much more than friend.

Friends can just decide
that you aren't it anymore,
or could never you be
Right there from the start.

Let in and lean on,
Let go and move on.

And it's not just the current
One that I grieve,
holding me to this pattern
Of the berieved.
But reflecting on every life
that since mattered,
That I behold ever glowing
Like all moons of Saturn.

On the "I love you, dearlies,"
But never defined clearlies,
And never held nearlies,
Or ends brought so yearly.

On the beautiful souls
embraced aloud
and in front of the crowd,
But never when it's quiet
And my breath grows cold and alone,
Or when the panic seeps
from the cracks in my bones.

In a sea of men and women
softly pining and sidelining,
Watching me move,
And dance and sing,
And leap and bound.
Watching me live, laugh,
and love out loud,
As if it's something so profound.

There will be more,
And there, the more they are.
Waiting and baiting
Only in so far.

This isn't the first time,
And it seems it won't be the last.
As every new actor,
Catapults me into their past.

I don't know what it is about me,
That makes people so blind.
To give their love so temporarily
Or without any ties or binds.
No strings, no strings, no strings, right?

I was the fish and
they brought the lure.
I was happy enough
being my own cure,
But they want to catch
and cut the line.
An antidote for a different time.

To cast me back,
Not keep me in tow.
Almost immediately,
This much they know.

Which is life's cruelest lesson
she keeps trying to teach me:
How to let go.
But I can't.
I reel it back in.

I hold onto the souls around me,
As if I'm some angelic keeper,
Whose job is to preserve the lives
Of those who contact a bit deeper.

To hold them
Forever.
So they may never die.
Live out eternity in the dark depths
of some blue holy eyes.

But when they leave.
Repeatedly.
With ease.
I feel gone.
Moreso than if they simply passed on.

Parts of me breaking away
into the full rooms I re-enter,
just to hear my empty name
on the lips of crowd's center,
Waiting for another song.
"Sing us another song!
Sing, sing, sing
the same one."

Sing loud and sing proud,
You're the only one who gets it out.
We feel when you feel
And how you don't deny
Yourself to make your feels real.

Just to attract another hurting soul,
Who longs to be remembered.
While I slowly forget
Who I am,
Or who I'm meant to be in the end.

I study the mirror
And my own reflection,
With its image reversed,
By my mind's changed direction.

Waiting for someone
To describe what it's like
To see me as myself
Not refracted by light.

How can you be alone,
It would seem your whole life,
learning life's lesson of singularity
And the self reflected in time,
and still not feel like you know you,
Your own self,
unless parts of you are described
by someone else?