ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Speaking My Mind

I'm kinda tired
of opening my mouth,
Of spreading my lips
letting my thoughts spill out.

I'm tired of my opinions,
Because I don't see the point.
I wish I could be numb and shut up,
And let them fill their own voids.

But every time I get the gumption
To keep my mouth shut,
Someone dare asks
And I open back up.

Sometimes I try not to answer,
Hide away for a day.
But people knock down my doors,
Demanding my teeth on display.

And maybe I'm depressed
And that's why I lash out,
And why giving up
seeps from words out my mouth.

Or fighting it off,
For fighting's good chance.
Or fighting it down,
To fight my own stance.

Or none at all,
My own opp'd position.
Opted instead for quiet disposition.

But that's not how I was made,
To switch between the two.
Kicking and shouting,
Or fading from view.

And I want to fade quicker,
But I keep kicking back.
Unsettle the dust,
With readied attack.

Be quiet,
Sit pretty.
Be still,
Don't be silly.

You are what you eat,
So keep eating your words.
But I keep talking instead,
With each emptied verse.

And it's hardest knowing,
How hard I was trying.
And how much I could feel
Undoing, undying.

Now I don't care,
And I keep stepping backward,
And speaking in reverse,
And reliving bad patterns.

The solution being
Spill it all out, once again,
To a new provider
With new plans close at hand.

But this time, I look at
That hand that's outstretched,
And see it just like
Everyone else in my stead.

But it's not with pride:
"I don't need it."
"It's not mine."
I just can't keep getting better,
When I don't want to this time.

Maybe it's fine,
Like we so often say.
My rock bottom is closer
To the shoreline these days.

But I still can't shut up.
I shut down.
I give up.

And I want more than ever
To greet people with lies:
I'm amazingly healthy
Soul, body, and mind.

I knew myself.
I didn't care.
I worked on it all,
But telling others was err.

Now, they're on edge.
They race through my closed doors,
So I leave them open
To prove I'm not on all fours.

But they promptly leave,
The thought was enough.
Even my best,
For them was too rough.

I never felt weaker,
Than trying not to seem weak.
To speak with dishonesty,
About my empty weeks.

Just shut up.
The pain won't be real.
That's what they all want.
Nothing real left to feel.

They want to be coddled,
So cradle, I shall.
Forgive me for thinking,
Your words weren't unfound.

I'll pick you back up,
After you knocked me down.
I'll stop clapping back,
And clamp my jaw with a frown.

So you'll ask me to smile,
And my teeth will run red.
As I shut my mouth harder,
And crush these thoughts in my head.

And I'll hug you,
And apologize,
And all is forgiven!
With these words trapped inside,
These misgivings you've given.

But they surely aren't yours,
Thus, they must be mine.
For who could argue
With red lips such as mine?

So shut up, silly girl,
And bear witness instead,
To the rest of these mouths
Running off with these night mares
boring into and out of your head.

01/10/22