ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Say Goodnight and Go

You could've made contact.
You could've reached out,
And prevented your pain,
From reaching my mouth.

But that's not what was wanted,
You wanted me drooling.
Your pain from my mouth,
Dripping all gross and oozing.

You wanted apology?
Validation sure.
I took responsibility for
My own actions that hurt.

My pain causing pain,
A sound one in the same.
A sound that lives on,
Because my pain still remains.

And so I admitted,
That until I could change it,
Your pain might not heal,
As my hurts cannot claim it.

You dropped all your bombs,
As I struggle with time.
You never alerted me,
Before demanding what's mine.

Then, as you do,
You left me for dead.
That wasn't the answer
You wrote out in your head.

But my writings fell short,
All mixed up in my mind.
Wasn't that the problem,
That you felt in decline?

No stories for me.
No stories for you.
No stories for them.
What stories have brewed.

You wanted my time,
Grown more vital each day,
To keep ticking on,
My sands falling your way.

You wanted me to say
All that you couldn't.
Even though my own pain,
Was all that I could in.

As I write all these lines,
About those wanting more, more,
You bottled them up,
And shouted them back from your door.

And I can't give any more of
What I never received.
My heart can't keep pumping,
When it has this great bleed.

You look to these girls,
Rising from their own ashes,
To give you your power,
As if you can't ask it.

But it comes from within,
It comes from life's pain.
It comes from accepting,
Each stain on our names.

So go forth, young wanderer,
And write your own story,
Not by her name or mine,
Or mixed pasts with those stolen.

And I'm sorry to say,
I must disagree.
My time is precious.
In time, you might see.

Fore I chose not to overwhelm,
And vomit my sadness.
And flood you with thoughts,
Indicating my madness.

How unaliving,
Was all I had on my mind.
While you waited, foot tapping,
For my empty replies.

And while I reflect on this time frame
You felt you were so lacking,
So used up and dried up,
And cast intentionally backward.

Guised in guy's shipped ships,
His sails don't take the fall.
My suffering started
Before anyone called.

I was debating
on making a call of my own,
To put me in a cell,
Not scared, but alone.

To keep me at bay,
To keep mine from mention.
To not act out dark thoughts,
In elongated detention.

I couldn't give you my stories,
My friendship, or time.
I could barely take hold of
What was once mine.

I knew first and foremost,
I had to be friends with myself.
And if you cannot see that,
Friendship bares me no wealth.

Pain brings more pain,
As it often does,
No matter whose pain
Is the root of the cause.

But shout at the dead,
You'll hear no reply.
If you get one at all
It's a miraculous lie.

And friendship's not friendship,
If you cannot see,
That you always come second
To me being me.

Fore I need me more
Than you need my cure.
I assure you my me-ness
Is a sore not rightly earned.

And if you don't come first
In your own stories woven,
Then maybe your stories
Need be retold and respoken.

And I'm sorry, dear master,
I must also disagree.
With your time, I did see,
That despite all intentions,
your pain might be me.

I learned last time
From how you withdrew,
How much my own pain
Might be weighing on you.

So I took a step back,
And listened to truth.
Gave you your space,
Dialed back all my blues.

But it seems you've forgotten
Your own caretakers dance,
That your friends feel no pain,
When you ask for this chance.

It's a chance you require,
And a chance you deserve.
Cause you need not earn love,
With all you have urned.

True friends don't demand
Any of your time,
Or request filled forgiveness,
While we're waiting in line.

If you don't have it to give,
We feel lucky when given,
And fight off the sound
Of our thoughts ill-intentioned.

It's not me, it's not you,
It's your struggle, not mine.
It is only empathy,
I feel in mind's eye.

Your pain is my pain,
And that is what hurts.
That I cannot be there to help,
When my presence disconcerts.

But that must be something
I keep to myself,
I know it won't aid
Your mind rot in its hell.

Forgive me, if I sound
A little 'me' minded,
But my me isn't well,
So I must keep it well minded.

It's constantly requesting
The most selfish ask
And to stop it from acting,
I must mind all my tasks.

So to you it may seem,
"She's neglecting dear me."
She's neglected herself,
Her own future unseen.

So before you put pressure
On how to tend to you best,
Let me tend to myself,
Let me get my rest.

And if you aren't a friend,
Who can wait out great returns,
Insurance is paid,
Be gone and go earn.

And so it will go,
The damage is done.
Your qualms heard by many,
Except by the one.

Too late it is now,
As too late was mentioned.
I made space for you,
For you to reject it.

My fingers were bleeding,
As were my toes,
As I pried spaces open
For others to go.

They beg me to rest,
Fall away in your time,
Falling away is what's best.
But it's you I must cater to
Despite all the rest?

So thanks for the lesson:
To myself I must be true,
And why space is needed
for those feeling this blue.
And why in return,
Spaces filled must be earned.
That those who remain,
Know not suffer its curse.
As they stumble back,
Slowly adding back sands,
Dear friends will hold onto
Each grain in each hand.
Fore they know the alternative,
These ashes from urns
Are nothing to barter
And nothing to yearn.

So let ashes be ashes,
And let dust be dust,
And cherish these beached sands,
As they're warmed by the sun.

And if night should fall,
And cool them with its call,
Let sands be deserted,
Under moon's watching ball.

⏳11/19/21⌛