ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Just Some Intrusive Sadgirl Shit

You all keep on asking
If I'm OK, if I'm fine.
But my heart feels so heavy
Almost all of the time.

You want easy answers
With one word replies.
And lo, truth be told,
What I tell you are lies.

I'm not doing well
And I'm not in control
Of my demons as they spill
All my guts on the floor.

I cannot tell you
Even though I am trying
Cuz you were the reason
My turmoil went flying

I had a hold on myself
Until you let me go
And now I'm alone
With no hand to hold

And although I do fight
And give it my best
My eyes flow each night
As it did with the rest

Even though you were perfect
But not quite the one
My mind keeps on dripping
From carnivorous sons

I guess when you've had
One awful heart break
Each minor tear can rip through and implode
like a vampire's stake

And I can't seem to shake
These intrusive thoughts
And my eyes keep on burning
From my tears as they fall

Nightly and brightly
While I drink til I die
And beg all my saviors
To let me take flight

I've asked them so fervently
To just let me go
To let me be free
Of the pain in my soul

Until I fake death
Fall asleep on my floor
And dream of the day
That death knocks on my door.

Like you did that night
Even though you had a key
As if letting you in
Could ever burden me

So when you ask me
If I'm doing fine
There really is only
One reasonable reply

The answer is, "No."
But I can't tell you this,
Because there's the chance
It'll make you feel like shit

So to anyone asking,
Please leave me alone
Even though I keep hoping
You'll pick up the phone

Call me just to say
A bit of nothing for a while
Until we decay
And win that night's trial.

Maybe it'll pass
Or it may last forever
Because all these things
Seem to bleed together

And build on each other
And make matters worse
And make me want to dive into
The next empty hearse.

But for you, I promised
To not leave the earth
And try to be better
So I'll stay true to my word

But today I had thought
That if I'm not fine
If the swelling is terminal
Behind both my eyes

Then maybe I'd feel
A bit of relief
That I'll be one day closer
To not being me

Before all you scold me,
This is why I don't date
Cuz every heartache
Feels like life's biggest mistake.

Though, don't I know,
That perfection I'm not?
I knew it before
Men tied me in knots.

Twisting myself
Into forgotten bows
I'll undo myself
In these intrusive prose.

10/29/21