ADHD Dribblings: Poems & Thoughts From A Mind Lost In Motion

Too Much

Where are you,
My dear friends?

I sit here rather quietly.
Waiting and hoping
That my phone might ring silently.

But the only voice I heard today
Was my dog's slowly choking.

I know I need friends,
But in times such as these
True friends off deep ends
Need friend's only needs to end,

To be nothing.
But I am not nothing.
I am everything and something
All trapped in one thing.

Loud and irreverent
A clunky independent
Tied loose with the strings
Of a flimsy set of parents and

When the pandemonium struck,
I found that maybe I was too much.

Too little for activists
shouting to the voids.
I didn't throw my voice
to the right people's choice.

Too much for contrarions,
My voice unpopular and relative.

Too loud for my parents
With quiet dispositions and

Too little for my sister
Who craved many misters' sends
To fill her own needs.
Shackled in polygamies,
And sexual teases
On family friendly teams ends.

Here I am alone, waiting
For my voice to be a craving.

At first I was complacent,
But now I am fading
Away in the background.
No matter how loud
I scream and I shout.

I do so now quietly-
Hidden words in lengthy streams.
I wonder who's listening?
Been therapized effectively,
Right?

But my lungs scream,
And my brain needs
Another being's being.

So I sought help,
And I sought company's wealth.
But I still know them so little,
Because friends they are not
When I thought
They could see through my dribble.

And I don't want to tell you
That my thoughts have come back.

They grow ever louder
No matter how I heal
them with a crowd or
Try desperately
To shove them back into place.

Some thoughts you just can't erase,
So they stay...

And I look to you for reasons
I, too, should stay...

But who would know
and how long would I lay?

I'd rest rather privately
For over a day.
And my dog would get hungry,
And the new boy would delay,
Happy to be free of my mind
For one day.
One day.

No one would tell him,
And he'd never know.
He'd just wonder why I still
won't ever answer the damn phone.

And maybe he'd chalk it all up to ghosting

Ghosted by a ghost
On onlyfans still posting.
Another ghost in his hand
While I pose in theirs still
Hands filled
With the skills
I picked up from landfills.

But look how I work with my hands!

Ghosted by a phone plan
Of the only fan
holding on with one hand.

Without mine
and mine without his.
I'm tired and I think
a simple hug might end this.

But if I ask,
maybe that would be too much.
To know I just need
a little bit of human touch.

Like my dog who crawled
Choking and scared into my arms,
Hoping my love would cure
What raised our alarms.

Who would hear her
If not for me?
Why is it only for her
I can't leave?

I miss my friends,
But I don't think they miss me.
I don't think they've even
Heard from me in weeks.

Maybe for you
I, too, am too much.
And this much becomes true
As much as I don't want it to.

I'll wait at the crossroads
Of here and maybe there, too.

I thought it,
Believed it,
And by god, now do I see it.
Sewed it and reeped it,
I planted the seed and
I read em and weeped it and
Now...

Who will I call?
Now that my too much
Erased you from my phone.

Do I grip at my socks,
As my therapist vacations?
Another grippy sock
On a grippy sock vacation.
No.

It's just me and my thoughts.

I reel it in because
Even I know it's too much.

And still you are gone,
And them,
All my friends.
Even though friends,
You said you'd be at the end.

And I still cannot call you,
Or them,
Or my mother,
Because it'd be a bother.
So I sit and I wander
Through my thoughts as they falter
And moan
Out my inner workings problems

I'm too much
Can I falt them?

No,
I can't.
Can't I know?
I knew before the whistle did blow.

So I moan and I groan
Too much sitting in your phone.

But if you call, I'll pick up.
I hope that's not too much.

10/8/21 - 10/22/21