What We Are

He's changed

October 1998

My insides were doing somersaults, as I caught my distorted reflection in the patterned glass of the front door. It was the kind of flowery pattern seen in a children's picture book. The kind of pattern on the door of a family's home, which it was. I don't know quite why I was visiting Lindsey's new house that day, one factor was his refusal to halt his calls to me. He had called me many times since we had last seen each other, sometimes angry, sometimes sweet, often anxious, and always loving. He had finally persuaded me to visit his newborn son, after I had been abroad for several months, trying to distance myself from what we had lost.

I rang the bell once, and I was greeted by him almost instantly. He had probably been pacing the nearby rooms, nervous of seeing me in the flesh after a prolonged absence. He had often done this while waiting for guests at our old apartment, or during our short-lived residence in a house together- and it had drove me crazy. Now it was just another an old memory of him to me, and poignant remnant of how close we once were. "Steph." His lips were parted slightly, and his eyes showed extreme relief that I had appeared, muddied with regret that it had been so long since I had the last time. I felt the change in him instantly. "I...Um." I was truly lost for words. It saddened me to see how much he had felt my absence, and it hit me once again how much I despised his. He rushed to grab me in his arms, and we stood simply gripping each other's upper bodies for a minute or so. I took deep breaths of his personal scent, as did he, displacing my hair in the process. I eventually pulled away slightly, giving him a tired smile. "You look incredibly beautiful Stevie." I awkwardly looked to the side. "You do too, I-" I was cut short by a whimpering noise.
"Someone wants to meet you."

We walked hand in hand into what seemed to be the lounge, and peered into a Moses basket containing a small baby, with piercing blue-grey eyes. "Hello William." I said, releasing myself from Lindsey's fingers, and kneeling by this innocent being. Lindsey followed suit opposite me, and we both sat admiring his son. The wounds between us were still so raw, and they always would be, but I could not help but adore this child on first sight- the child which had changed everything; the child which I knew would grow in the image of his father. "You can hold him...If you..." Lindsey said, his eyelashes briefly fluttering as he scanned my face. "Of course I do." Before Lindsey could interfere, I delicately scooped this precious baby into my arms, taking extra care to support his tiny, soft head. "I know what I'm doing," I said with a glint of humorous rebellion in my eye, and we moved over to sit on the couch, well aware of how Lindsey was hopelessly admiring me. "How has he been treating you?" I whispered to William, receiving a gargle as a reply. "Ah, he says you're alright." I notified Lindsey, turning to screw my nose at him. The atmosphere quickly changed as he leaned over to kiss my forehead before I could protest. "Linds," I said mournfully.
"I just wanted you to know Stevie, that I love my son very much...But I love you too, just the same as before." I leant back and inhaled deeply, then moved forward again and placed a light kiss similar to the one Lindsey had just given me, on his son's cheek. I saw Lindsey smile in the corner of my eye. "I'm going to Phoenix. I'm not staying in LA for a while. I can't."
"Why?" He followed me as I placed his now giggling infant back into his basket with maternal precision.
"You know why Lindsey. You can't be true to this beautiful baby if I'm around. You can do the right thing. I know you can." He was speechless with yet more grief, and I leant into his arms and placed a kiss on the thin, white material of his shirt, tight against his chest. "I'll miss you...I did...I do Steph." I took his face into my hands, and we kissed each other briefly but intensely, a comfort for me just as much as him. "I know Lindsey. I love you. I'll see you again...Sometime."