What We Are

It's only right

I'd been smirking playfully, hoping to soften him up for some fun after our row earlier, but my face stiffened and ultimately fell into a blank expression as we made our way to the kitchen, where he poured us both apple juice and sat across from me instead of beside. "Why are you still in your jacket Linds? It's warm."
"I...I...Charlotte I have something to tell you, it's big."
"What have you done this time Lindsey?" I said exhaling loudly.
"You know I care for you and I think you're a great woman, I really do, and you gave me Will who I treasure more than I could ever express, but I don't think I've ever truly..."
"What Lindsey?" I banged my juice on the counter.
"I haven't been in love with you. The pregnancy was a surpri- that's not to say I regret it in anyway- and I wasn't quite truthful about my relationship to Stevie with you before and after that time." He was looking into his lap, guilty.
"Oh! So you were fucking her!" It wasn't even a question.
"The way I've acted has been wrong, I know. I knew even. I thought I could stay for us to be a family, and St- I thought it was the honourable thing to do." So I had been right. I felt so small. I sensed he was trying to mention Stevie as little as possible as to save me the pain.
"Pretending to love me was the honourable thing to do?"
"No I...Not that I...I do love you Charlotte but I'm not in love with you. I...I'm in love with Stevie and," he took a deep breath. "She's pregnant." My eyes had already been stinging but now tears began to slide down my hot cheeks. He tried to pat my shoulder but I flinched away. "I need to feed OUR son." I dashed away and started up the stairs.
"It's ok. I'll do it."
"Stop trying to pretend everything is ok, and what do you want to do? Poison him? We've seen your cooking Lindsey."

We didn't speak as we fetched Will from his room to toddle after us into the dining room, where he was placed in his high chair, swinging his feet excitedly as I told him dinner was his favourite tonight. "Ooh!" He cooed as I placed the filled plastic dish and spoon before him. "I'm just going to the bathroom," I said without looking Lindsey in the eye. After doing what I needed to I stood in front of the mirror, running my hands through my still damp hair, bothered by its darkness at the roots in contrast to its bleached remainder- I'd had little time to spend tending to my appearance since I'd become a mom. I held in any more tears to the best of my ability until I was truly alone- I'd been told to do so as a child.

I stood in the doorway watching Lindsey aid Will with some of his vegetables. "These are good for you boy, you'll grow up to be strong and brave if you eat these now." He looked excited as he obeyed, my husband adding aeroplane noises as he zoomed the spoon towards him. In that moment I was so proud of what Lindsey and I had built together, and that perfect image is what I tried to comfort myself with as Lindsey left the house after tucking up Will for the night with whispered loving words, while failing to relinquish even kiss on the cheek for me. "I'm sorry," he had said finally, with true unease. "Oh you will be," he didn't reply and I would've slammed the door if not for fear of waking my son.