What We Are

Hope and Hell

Lindsey was already making breakfast when I came downstairs. The phone was unplugged beside him, as we'd been receiving endless calls from his manager and sponsors since he'd cancelled his last twenty-three shows.
"Thanks," I croaked as he placed coffee and toast before me.
"I booked myself a doctor's appointment." He announced as if expecting a reward.
"Hmm. Lena and Will?"
"Chris took them just before you got up, she's taking them to the zoo for the day."
"You never said."
"I didn't want to wake you, and it was a last minute thing, I just thought- and so did she- that we ought to have some time together."
I kissed his cheek and whispered into his ear,"I'm not touching you Lindsey." He followed me out onto the porch.
"You think that's all I care about
Stevie?" He narrowed his eyes.
"Maybe. With good reason!"
He spun around with his hands scratching his neck,"We were drinking and she jumped on me! I told her to get off of me! I'm telling you!"
"Why was she in your bed in the first place?" I took an aggressive bite out of the bread.
"She came to talk, and we ended up watching a movie." He flung his palms out.
"I don't watch films in bed with other men Lindsey!" He kneeled beside me.
"I was lonely...Ok? I didn't go near her."
"So was I! Looking after our baby girl alone!"
"It's a shitty excuse I know but...I was tired and drunk and...If someone jumped on you in that state do you think I'd be screaming at you?"
"Probably not." I crossed my arms stubbornly.
"I'd be enraged but..."
"It's just...The strip club, the woman on the corner..."
"I'll stop drinking, and that neighbour was just asking me about school districts for god's sake."
"She gave you her number."
"& I gave it to the garbage man." We shared a small smile.
"It's just that the universe seems to want to show me that I'm not enough for you." He squeezed my hand and I rolled my eyes.
"Stephanie. In all our years of each other we've both done some pretty fucked up shit, but have I ever lied to you?"
"I don't think so..." He was right.
"Then please believe me when I say that you have always been more than enough for me." He shifted to hug me from behind and I laid my head against his shoulder.
"I'm trying Lindsey...I am."
We stood in this embrace for a short while, until I clenched my fists and doubled over in reaction to a sharp pain between my hips.
"Stevie?" Lindsey said in disbelief. I moaned. "Steph? Stevie?" He wiped some hair away from my face to look into my terrified eyes. "Stephanie? What's happening baby?" He held me up with both arms. Looking down, we both saw a worrying amount of blood beginning to drip down between my thighs.