What We Are

Learn to Love Again?

I'd been seven weeks. I'd had no idea. I was ageing and my history didn't help, though the doctor vocalised his primary suspicion that stress could have been the biggest trigger- given the agony I'd felt during the loss. I had no words for my husband on this. He continually told me through tears that it was his fault, and I couldn't bring myself to disagree entirely. Some nights I'd allow him hold me and we'd fall asleep beside one another, others I would send him away; or I would comfort him myself, running my small hands down his back & in and out of his curls, secretly craving more. Largely, I channelled my own sorrow into finishing the album I'd began during my final affair with Lindsey.

Raising Lena was also a precious outlet to me. Every second that her laughter rang out through the house, or that I simply looked down at her, I knew that I was blessed. However, when I thought alone for longs periods of time, it saddened my spirit to fantasise about me and Lindsey surrounded also by the children we'd lost. Lena's first birthday was days away and it was bittersweet. The day was both the anniversary of the best, and one of the most terrible things that had happened to me respectively.

His doctor's appointment had given him the all clear, but I was still not ready to be so intimate with Lindsey again. The thought of him actually inside another woman as I travelled to him still reduced me to fits of rage, though I never allow him to witness them. Lindsey was hesitant- believing I would gradually learn to trust him again- but were set to begin our first joint counselling session & he could hardly refuse me.

Spring was in full bloom now and I was in conversation with Sheryl in the garden as I watched Lena step toward the sandpit. It broke my heart that I'd missed her first steps, which she'd managed as I recovered in hospital,  Karen and Christine watching over her. Sheryl was a dear friend and a vital contributor to my album, but she also loved to visit Lena. "God she really is a beautiful girl isn't she?" Sheryl beamed over her juice.
"Hands off, she's married." I heard and felt Lindsey behind me. Sheryl scoffed, pushing her sunglasses down to shake her head at him. "I meant your little daughter over there." He smiled, rubbing my bare shoulder, then ran into the sandpit himself like a little boy. Lena pointed and giggled at him, "Dada!"
"That's me! How goes there princess? Building a castle for yourself?" She squealed in delight and passed him a pink spade, which he was more than happy to help her with. Sheryl cooed over them for a while,  oozing appreciation for Lindsey- her praise was legitimate of course, but she would have idealised us less if I'd managed to tell her how he'd been these past five months- then announced she had errands to run.

Seeing her out, I proceeded to spend this rare pocket of free time, to confide in my journal. Lost in the scribing of my pain and pleasure I lost track of the time, feeling surprised when Lindsey rapped quietly on the door. "Yes?"
"Lena's napping now," he informed me in a hushed tone.
"Ok." He sat against the pillow beside me. As I placed my journal away, he took my hand, using his calloused thumb to trace mindless patterns as if my tendons were the strings of a guitar. "Stevie, can I kiss you please?" He asked like we were children. I turned my body toward his and he massaged my shoulders and collar bone as his lips wet mine, our tongues briefly touching. Pausing, he found my eyes, then continued his gentle ambush down my cheek and neck. He'd barely been near me for a minute, but I felt my wetness growing, and could see that he felt the same. He moved his hands to caress the neckline of my dress when I stopped him.

"I'm sorry Lindsey, not today." Lowering his hands to my waist he kissed my lips again.
"It's ok...We'll wait until you're ready again," I leaned my forehead against his chin, sighing as he took a long sniff of my hair, giggling as I heard him sniff again. "What's so funny huh?" he said taking my face into his hands.
"Oh nothing..." I fluttered my eyelashes innocently.
"What's wrong with a man getting a smell of the woman he loves?" I blushed as we tittered, letting him rest his body on mine as we settled for our own afternoon nap.