What We Are

Always

"Christine?" It was well past midnight, but her phone call didn't wake me.
"Love, sorry if I-"
"No I was awake, it's ok Chris."
"It's just...I've got Lindsey round my place, and I'm not quite sure why..." I held my breath. "He said to call you because you're not at the house."
"I..." I couldn't lie to my friend, and I couldn't hide from Lindsey forever. "I'm just staying at my parents, I needed some air. He should still be in Washington anyway." What was Lindsey doing back in LA already?
"Ok love I'm sure you have your reasons, I'll tell him later. sleep well." I knew I wouldn't.
"You too Chris."
----
"Tee Dee?" The quiet words of my mother awoke me. "Morning mom," I stretched to see Lena's cot empty. "She's downstairs, Lindsey wanted to feed her." Hot blood rushed to my head. I managed a nod before I could no longer hold in my revulsion. Locking the en suite door behind me, I promptly regurgitated the little food I'd consumed yesterday, my brain throbbing against my skull. What did he think he was doing here? Already?

Looking in the mirror I was less than pleased with what reflected back: bed hair; grey bags; sickeningly pale cheeks; pinkish blotches where my tears ducts had been working overtime. Standing to view my body in profile, I scorned myself for my slightly bloated abdomen, therapeutically rubbing the breasts I was still quite proud of. I slipped on a simple black dress I'd slung on the counter, and moisturised my skin. What was left of yesterday's curls framed my appearance well after I'd tamed them, and I was fairly certain Lindsey would be drooling at the mouth when he saw me- too bad for him, I thought sadly.

His back was to the door, tickling Lena, as I entered the lounge. My mom was in the kitchen. I saw him freeze as I pushed the door closed behind me. "Mama!" Lena pointed at me. "Yeh that's her," Lindsey whispered as he looked me up and down. "& doesn't she just look beautiful Lena?"
Cheap.
"What did you feed her?" I asked neutrally, burning inside as I sat down on the couch behind him. God he was still so sexy. I internally shook myself.
"Porridge, strawberries, the usual stuff, then her formula of course."
I hummed in passive approval. He continued to make her squeal with delight as he made her stuffed bird tweet and sing to her in different voices. I even had to stifle a laugh at him, until I remembered that is.

"Linds?" I asked softly. He turned to give me a sorrowful look and took my hands into his own. "I don't think I can do this."
"D...Do what?" He stuttered, his grip tightening.
"I am...I am so in love with you."
"& I with you angel, I'm so so sorry for what I did."
"...That I can't even see straight, but if someone did to a friend what you did to me...I'd tell them they were a fool to stay."
"Steph, baby. I will do anything I swear. I love you so, so much." He sobbed into my dress, hugging my legs. I allowed my fingertips to find my way into his curls, tracing them for what I thought was the last time.
"Maybe you just think you do." He sat up.
"You don't get to tell me what I do and don't feel!"
"Well you don't get to fuck other women." I hissed, his scowl softening.
"No one could ever compare to you."
"I will always love you Lindsey.
This is just too much."