What We Are

Hard Advice

We travelled back to LA the following day, I couldn't cope with the tension, I still felt ill, and I needed to get back to my music- my only form of release now. Arriving back at the house, Lindsey offered to take our cases upstairs but I halted him. "Lindsey. I don't want your things next to mine." I snapped. I saw his lips tremble and regretted my words. "Just...Sleep in one of the guest rooms for now." He bowed his head in submission and I cursed to myself, what were we doing  to each other?

I rushed to visit Christine for the afternoon, leaving Lindsey with Lena to pick up Will, whom we hadn't seen since his tour had began. "Steves," she cried, taking me into her arms as the door was flung open. "Oh Chris," I replied feeling stronger already from her comfort. I told her everything and she looked horrified, then began to rock me like a child against her chest, soothing me with her words as I snivelled. "God...Lindsey...When he was here he looked rough, but this...I never imagined...So it's over?"
"That's what I said..."
"He loves you Stevie."
"You think so?"
"He's a fucking prick I'll tell you that...I'll tell him myself when I see him!" I chuckled a little ."But after all this time, the way he looks at you...I just know he does."
"It just seems to be one thing after another with us though...It always has been."
"Bloody hell Stevie I noticed...Some of your fights scared me back in the day! Though seriously, if you give him this chance I'm sure you guys will make it, you've been through too much not to."
"I'll try Chris." Chris wasn't usually wrong about things like this, but Surely I couldn't act to rashly? We sipped tea and went on to chat about more light-hearted matters, but Lindsey forever loomed.

Turning back onto our street, I took deep breaths and vowed that we would have to be ok. For a second I thought I was imagining things, then I realised that metres away from our driveway was Lindsey. He looked the typical middle aged father, Will on one arm, Lena fiddling with her starry mobile on the pram. A younger woman I vaguely recognised as a neighbour was conversing with him, flipping her long blonde hair. Handing him a scrap of paper and gleaming, she pranced away and Lindsey made for our door. "Hello Will!" I bent down to hug him as I jumped out of the car. He instantly babbled away to me, but raced away to the lounge as me and Lindsey entered the kitchen.
"What was that?" I inquired, flicking my head towards the street.
"What?" He said, uncorking a beer with his teeth and taking a sizeable swig.
"Um our neighbour, I didn't know you were friends."
"Neither did I." He said scoffing.
"She seemed pretty friendly to me." I suggested.
"YOU SAID WE WERE DONE!" He shouted, startling me so much that I jumped a little- he had never spoke to me with such volume and malice for many a year.
"It's been two days," my words were barely audible but he heard them.

I knew I was about to cry so I walked away, not wishing to handle any more embarrassment. Peering out of the French doors, I saw Will had ran out to use the swing set. I waved at him to check he was ok for the moment, and turned to take Lena out of her pram. Before I could reach her however, Lindsey stormed into the room. He held me against the wall, his tongue leaving me breathless from a hard, angry kiss. "I hate myself," he said, caressing my cheek as a lone tear ran over it. I kissed him back, my desire mingled with possessiveness, gently lacing my tongue with his, hugging him back. "Go play with Will for a while, I'll still be here." He looked at me apologetically, kissed my temple, and followed my suggestion.

//                                                                //

After dinner the kids were winding down, and Stevie gave Lena her evening milk as I carried an already snoozing Will up to bed. Creeping downstairs, I watched Stevie speaking sweet nothings to our daughter, later singing her to sleep. 

...And can you tell me was it worth it?
Baby I don't wanna know...

Opening the kitchen door without disturbing them, I pulled the neighbour's phone number out of my jeans and threw it into the trash. It simply wasn't worth it.