What We Are

I Stayed Home at Night

I stood with Lena in my arms at the foot of the stairs, frozen in disbelief at what I'd overheard through the door to the kitchen. Lindsey was supposed to be visiting an old school friend on Saturday evening- or at least that's what he had told me yesterday. Why would he need to keep any details concerning that from me? My head fired up and I went to sit in the lounge, rocking Lena back and forth in my lap as she chuckled. I looked into her eyes and saw Lindsey. What did Lindsey see when he looked at her I thought? Until now I'd assumed it would be similar to what I saw and felt in relation to us- could I be wrong? Lindsey had been married to a woman almost half my age for a time and sometimes during the harder days of my pregnancy I'd secretly worried he regretted not staying with someone younger- despite his constant proclamations of love to me for many years. "Stevie?" I heard him shout to the hallway, he called again as he stepped into the lounge. "Ste- Oh you're both in here. I think the food is ready, shall I..."
"It's ok Linds I'll dish it out and bring it to you at the table, just keep an eye on Lena please." I said placing her on her play-mat, walking past Lindsey without smiling. As I spooned the rice and stir fry onto our respective plates, and picked some milk for Lena from the bottle warmer I thought further. Lindsey had always seemed to love me and after everything we'd been through with and for each other, I struggled to see why he wouldn't. He made me feel beautiful every time we made love(which was almost every night despite our tiredness), but what if he simply felt morally obligated to? I sighed, knowing that if Lindsey decided to cheat on me I was powerless to stop him- it was his choice.
"Looks great, thanks wifey," he said jokingly as we sat down to eat beside each other, Lena on my right. "No problem," I said blankly without looking at him. He placed his hand on my thigh, "Is everything ok angel?" He asked sweetly. I considered releasing for a moment but I resigned to delaying the argument I predicted we'd have at some point. "I'm fine, eat Lindsey" I assured, brushing his hand from my leg, turning to see him looking slightly hurt. "Ok,"he mumbled, turning back to his meal. Lena began crying and I moved to comfort her with a few pats on the back,"Are you hungry Lena? It's ok mommy has some milk right here," she fell silent as I slowly brought the plastic teat to her lips. She glugged loudly and Lindsey laughed a little, taking the opportunity to kiss my exposed neck briefly as I was turned away from him. I recoiled a little and he looked confused, I thought to apologise then remembered how covert he had sounded on the phone to the unknown caller. I simply looked into his eyes with my mouth open slightly, feeling and probably looking guilty. "I'm going out," he said rising. Lindsey rarely went out on a whim. He wasn't 25 anymore. "Half of yo-"
"I'll heat it later...If you wouldn't mind putting in the fridge for me?"
"Uh yeah whatever,"I attempted to sound casual. "Bye Lena honey," he said crouching beside her and kissing her head as she squealed in delight at him, milk drooling down her face. Lindsey took the cloth from my hand and helped clean her up. "Where um...Are you going exactly?" I inquired nervously, the thoughts of what I'd eavesdropped earlier flashing before my eyes. "I have to do something that's all," he stood up."I'd kiss you goodbye but uh..." He wiggled his jaw irritably. He left the room quickly and I called "Lindsey?" regretfully. The door slammed shut. But for my daughter, I was alone again.