What We Are

Say Goodbye

February 2002

Me and Stevie had been speaking less and less since my mention of touring. I was hurt by how she was pushing me away so I went ahead with my plans. My tour was to begin in LA, and then take me away around the continent for 9 weeks. Stevie refused any pleas I made for her to join me, thinking all the travel would be discomforting for Lena- she was probably right but I was selfish and I wanted them there.

Stevie had been so upset with me recently that it'd been too hard for her to make love to me- at least that was her excuse. I refused to leave without proving I'd be back, so I booked us a candlelit dinner a few hours before my first show. I knew our relationship couldn't be fixed with some wax and matches in a fancy restaurant, but we both loved each other and I just wanted some alone time with her to get things straight. She agreed to it somewhat reluctantly, and Karen was happy to mind Lena for us. Christine had left midway through January, moving into a flashy condo down town where Stevie visited her regularly.

As I fixed my belt in the hallway, Stevie descended the stairs in a simple flowing black dress, beige platform boots, and the new crescent moon necklace I'd got her for Christmas. I was lost for words so I took her hand and kissed it sensually- her eyes popping. I opened the door to the car for her, and then sat on the other side myself. We made small talk as we travelled, more careless than we'd been in a while. At the restaurant we joked and spoke playfully as we ordered and then ate. While waiting for the bill I took Stevie's hand over the table and squeezed it. "I fucking love you Stevie."
"I love you too," she sighed. "Dirty mouth." She finished with a wry smile. "I can't express how much I'll miss you, please forgive me." She opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it. "Stevie. Is there something else? Why can't we see eye to eye?" She pulled her hands from under mine and her bottom lip trembled. Just as I was about to press her further, a waiter approached with the bill. Stevie straightened up, thanked him and we were on our way out.

As we waited outside the restaurant I placed my hands by the sides of her face. "Stevie, you can tell me anything." I whispered.
"You...You...I'm too old for you to find me attractive." A look of fury flew across my face. "What? Don't be ridiculous! You are absolutely beautiful."
"You have to say that. I'm your wife."
"I don't have to say anything, I'm not a fucking drone." She huffed.
"Stevie! Is this why you won't have sex with me? Is this why you're concerned about my tour?" She gave me a shy nod. Our car arrived and we got in. "Why would you think you're too old? Why are you thinking these stupid thoughts?"
"I am NOT stupid Lindsey Buckingham." She yelled, tears now streaming down her face.

My angry face turned to astonishment as she told me what she'd watched me do that night in December, before I'd ended up in ER. "Oh baby you should've told me," I pulled her into my arms and cradled her as she shook with sobs. Tears came to my own eyes as my heart broke for her. I repeated over and over again that I was sorry, and I'd do anything.
Anything.
What I would have done in the reverse situation did not bear thinking about. I pulled her into my lap by her waist, kissing her deeply as I stroked her hair. The yearning of a lifetime poured forth as we embraced tumultuously. I wanted her so badly right there, I wanted to show her it was only her I cared for in such a way, but we pulled up at the arena and soon all was chaos.

I made sure she was firmly beside me as we entered. Backstage Karen was waiting with Lena, Chris by her side. "Chris! You're here!" Stevie squealed as she took an excited Lena from her pram. "I couldn't miss Lindsey's first show could I!" I thanked her and we all sat down for a drink. I placed my arm around Stevie, nuzzling her neck as she bounced Lena up and down. Soon it was time for me to go and I used my tongue to remind Stevie I was thinking of her, to the laughter of the surrounding thicker of observers at our antics. "You'll be awesome baby. I love you."
"I love you more." With that I strolled onto the stage.

The show was incredible, and the passion I felt for Stevie exploded through my music to great effect. Even more incredible was my goodbye to her. Once back at home I practically ripped of Stevie's dress and we violently made love against the wall, then again on our bedroom floor, then in bed, and then in a bubble bath. Tears spilled from Stevie's eyes as she came for he last time that night. I held her close, whispering words of comfort as I battled the growing lump in my own throat. Within hours I was alone and away from her.