What We Are

Beautiful Child

Watching Stevie hold our two boys, and holding them myself cannot be given justice by any words in the English language. They were so small. I already knew they would be but it only hit me when I felt their tiny hands in mine. I didn't understand how people believed in a merciful higher power, when innocent souls like our sons died before their time every hour if every day, all over the world. I made sure to stay close to Stevie, she needed me just as much as I needed her in these moments. I chose their names, as we'd agreed I'd choose any boy's names: Johnnie after Joni Mitchell because I knew how much Stevie loved her, and and Jeff after my older brother. We took a small lock of each of their hair and then they were taken away. Forever. Stevie fell onto me, wailing as I stroked her hair, begging to see our daughter. The doctor showed us the way, and with my arm holding a blanket around her(she refused a wheelchair), we made our way to her. Stevie stopped to gaze at her from the doorway as she caught the first glimpse of her living and breathing daughter. "I...I...She's ours Lindsey."
"I know baby." She walked towards the transparent incubator, and placed her shaking hand through the hold to stroke our daughter's miniature pink one. She opened her eyes- startling blue ones- and goggled at us. "She's beautiful, like you." I said rubbing Stevie's back and kissing her head. "Did you hold her when they took her from me?"
"Yeh, I told her everything. I told her you were sleeping. I held your hand to hers." Stevie leant on me sighing, her further tears triggering more of mine. "I'll do anything for you and for her. Anything. We're gonna make it Steph." She nodded and breathed into my neck. "What's her name do you think?" I asked her softly. She tilted her head.
"Lena. It's Lena." She gargled at us and I couldn't help but smile. We sat there for an hour or so, until I could feel Stevie falling asleep on me.
"C'mon Steph, you're tired."
"I just want to hold her, to make sure she's safe Lindsey." She was crying again and it was tearing me apart.
"She's safe I promise you, you'll be able to hold her in the morning."
"Hmm." She played with the curls at the base of my neck,"We promised Will he could see them first."
"I understand if you're not up for visitors, I called your mom earlier but she knows you won't want to be bombarded."
"No...He should be the first to see his little sister."
"Whatever you want honey."
She was on my lap & I cradled her back against me.