What We Are

Falling (apart)

It was hours before I gave in and returned to my room, my knuckles bruised from their repeated collisions with the door. Leanne had finally made herself scarce, and I lay uncomfortably on the couch in the darkness, too sickened by the bed's tainted fabrics. I would never forget Stevie's face as we saw each other for the first time in a month, her face as she realised I wasn't alone. She had wanted to surprise me and I had surprised her in the end. I was disgusted with myself. I'd made my wife, a woman whom I'd loved more deeply than any other for decades, feel like a fool. I'd done this to her despite her agreeing to care for our baby daughter alone for three months, while I lived the rock & roll lifestyle on the road. Finally finding sleep, I dreamt of holding Stevie against me as she slept on a lazy Sunday morning. Stroking her silky mane as she gradually roused, pecking me on the lips.

As soon as I awoke the following morning, our dire situation flooded back to me and I dashed to the other side of the hotel to seek my wife and daughter again, not bothering to lock my door behind me. Her door was ajar too, and light shone in from the long chiffon-curtained windows- now I knew why Stevie preferred this room. "Baby I-" stepping in, I saw the room was empty, and a cleaning lady turned around to cross-examine me. "Good morning to you too sir."
"I'm sorry, my wi-...I knew the person staying here last night, do you know where she might have gotten to?" I paced anxiously.
"I was only told that she left suddenly, I apologise." Thanking her, I sprinted back to my room, and yanked the phone from its holder, dialling Stevie's mobile- it didn't even ring. Next I tried Karen.
"Lindsey hello."
"Hi Karen, is Stevie with you?"
"No...No...She's um...I thought she'd come to surprise you? Surely she arrived last night?" There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Oh yes she did."
"Lindsey...Is Stevie ok? Are you with Lena?" Karen asked with concern.
"No Stevie took her."
"I can try her parents? Christine?"
"Yes. Thank-you Karen." I tried to control my breathing, I knew Stevie and Lena were likely safe, probably flying home, but what would be left of us when I returned?
Sloping down to breakfast, I imagined the reactions of Christine and Karen when Stevie told them what I'd done, they would despise me. "Hello stranger." A breathy voice whispered in my ear as I buttered some French toast. It was her, of course. She sat beside me and rubbed my thigh. I pushed her hands away, "Get the fuck away from me!" I stormed out of the room with a slice of the toast in one hand, ignoring the plethora of intrigued pairs of eyes falling on me. Arriving back on my floor, I slung any of my shit I saw into my suitcase, feeling someone behind me as I'd left the door open. "Lindsey, a word." It was my manager.
"Hmmph. Busy." I stated, motioning for him to continue.
"What was that downstairs? You can't speak to Leanne like that, or anyone in fact, not if you want to make a good impression on this tour!" He sounded passionately irritated.
"You know what Sam?" I began calmly as he nodded sincerely. "I could not give a fuck about making any impression on this tour! It's over ok, I'm go-"
"You're not making sense Lindsey!" He yelled over me, pattering after me and jumping through the lift doors. "A true artist does not abandon a tour!" He was begging now. I walked and I walked and I kept on walking.

//                                                                                                                                                  //

I arrived at my parents' home in Phoenix with no word from Lindsey. I told them only that I needed some familial company while he was away, but they probably knew already that something else was afoot. The weather was beautiful as we entered March, and me and Lena spent a while in my parents' glorious in the garden. She was so close to taking her first steps now, and my mother watched us fondly as I bent down to hold her hands as we picked a few flowers.

I was running away, I knew it. I'd done it so many times before, but what was there left to say? Lindsey had made his choice. Around lunchtime I saw Karen's name flash up on my mobile screen. "Yes," I sighed.
"Lindsey called. He's looking for you. I'm really confused Stevie, I thought you were meeting him in Seattle?" I heard heavy traffic in the background, was she driving?
"I did."
"And..."
"I realised I needed some space."
"For Christ's sake..." She trailed off, and I slammed the phone closed, ending the call. I wasn't ready to tell anyone about what Lindsey had done. It was humiliating enough when the media had brutally speculated about him leaving his younger, thinner wife for me- the old whore; what would they say if it was discovered that I really hadn't been enough for him?