What We Are

Always Going Back Again

Summer 2000
"Um, hey Lindsey."
It had been almost six months, but I would recognise her voice anywhere. "Stevie? I...Hello."
"Um how are you?"
"I'm...I'm ok...This is weirdly..."
"Formal?" She laughed.
"Uh yeh."
"I wanted to ask you a favour. I have an idea you might like to help me with. Would you like to swing by my house soon to discuss?" I guessed she was overcompensating with her casual tones now, I had never even set foot in her new house. "Of course. Lunch tomorrow?" She agreed and gave me the address which I scribbled down, and we both signed off awkwardly but swiftly.
***
"Hi." She said smiling. I was stunned by how bright and happy she seemed, especially in contrast with our last meeting, in which we at screamed at each other in all the colours of our language, and she had told me to "Fuck off and marry 'her' then".
"Stevie." I replied, hugging her tightly, taking in her comforting scent, and enjoying the shape of her body against mine. She pulled away from me, our arms still linked. "Coffee?"
"Uh, coffee yeh, that's sounds great. Thanks." She left my grip completely, and I followed her into the kitchen, leaning against the island, admiring her twirling around in her chiffon, locating the milk, sugar, tea bags, and mugs. "Here," she said smiling as she sat next to me and placed two steaming mugs before us.
"Thanks Steph," I said warily, but it felt good to call her that again.
"Steph? You only call me that in bed?" She smirked.
"Hey! That's not true!" I replied defensively, crossing his arms.
"Is too!" She poked my nose, screwing up her own face in laughter. I tutted sarcastically. "Can't keep your hands off me?" She looked up and cast me a serious look, "Lindsey...We said..."
"I know what we said, it doesn't change what I want," I said, running a hand through my own hair awkwardly.
"I know," she sighed, slumping, then straightened up. "So the favour," she said brightly. "Uh huh, anything for you Stevie."
"I thought you might want to help me with a track on my new album." I rubbed my chin. "Lindsey?" She huffed. I opened my arms.
"I...I dunno Stevie...Your solo stuff is your solo stuff, and I didn't think you thought it was a good idea to spend time alone together anymore."
"It's one song Lindsey, good god, and I've hardly seen you for the past two years!"
"Now you're getting pissed with ME?"
"Gee Lindsey you should be a psychologist! You're SO great at reading peoples' subtle hints!" She swung off the stool and stormed out of the room. I followed her into the hallway and up the stairs, "Steph! Listen to me! Please!" She turned to me at the top, holding the bannister. "Go home to your fucking wife Lindsey, I'm not your fucking piece of meat on the side anymore!" I noticed her eyes stinging with the first sign of tears, my eyes widening and nostrils flaring at her harsh words. "I LOVE you, you fucking idiot." I said loudly back at her. "Don't call me an idiot, you...You" She had reduced her volume, and trailed off- lost for an insult to thrown back at him. "Idiot?" He suggested.
"You're much more than that Lindsey."
"I was an idiot to let you go again." I opened my arms, this time to tempt her into a hug. She resisted, "And again."
"And again..." I echoed her, "But never truly."
She shrugged, turning my statement into a question, "I just don't know anymore Lindsey."
"So what was this song you wanted me to work my magic on?" I slumped to sit against the bannister, hoping to change back to the light-heartedness we had enjoyed in the kitchen. "I miss you."
I stroked her face as she slid to sit beside me, "I miss you too baby." She snorted and it startled me. "No, 'I miss you', that's the name of the song asshole."
"Ooooh!" I smiled bashfully, "It's about me right?"
She scoffed, "Nope! It's about Robin actually..."
"Aha, I miss her too Stevie..." I took her hand and we leaned against the cold railings of the staircase.
"Can I just?..." I started.
"Sure," she confirmed, looking up at me, leading me to momentarily pause, admiring her.
"You live in one of the biggest and most beautiful properties in California..."
"Where are you going with this Lindsey?"
"And yet we're sitting on your staircase."
"Good point, where would you like to sit?"
"Anywhere softer than against these railings!"
She took my hand silently, and we walked down her upstairs corridor, reaching a fine oak door at the end, which she pushed open with her fingertip.
"Wow." I stood dumbfounded. The room was the shape of a sizeable semi circle, with steps leading down to a large, white bed, fenced in by cream, chiffon netting. The door to the balcony was slightly ajar, causing the surroundings to dance slowly in the slight summer breeze. "This is so you Stevie." She smiled lovingly.
"Did you still want to sit?"
"Sure." I followed her down to the bed, and we simultaneously threw ourselves down backwards, giggling.
"Ah I could just fall to sleep right here and now," I said longingly.
"You boring old man!"
"Hey I'm not old!" I jumped up, "See!"
"See what?" She groaned, unimpressed.
"Uh..." I spontaneously reached down to tickle her armpits. She immediately shrieked.
"LINDSEY NOOOO! You KNOW how ticklish I am!"
"Weak!" She gently kicked my stomach in further protest, and I gradually let her be.
"Asshole!" She flicked my shoulder, and I fell down to rest my head on her stomach. She gasped, "Lindsey!"
"Huh," I looked up to meet her eyes.
"We shouldn't be doing this should we?"
"No..." She was right, I'd agreed on certain 'rules' she'd proposed for us, after people had gotten suspicious about our relationship- with good cause.
"Should we forget about the rules today?" She sat up, and my face fell into her lap, her fingers caressing my hair and sending chills down my spine.
"Only if you're sure," I said, not wanting to push her into anything.
"I am, fuck it." She motioned as if to flick away a bug. I pressed light kisses on
her dress, slowly making my way to her lips, where I pulled her in deeply. She was so close to me now, our bodies far too clothed, rubbing against each other. "I love you Steph."
"I love you too Lindsey." I groaned as she slowly unzipped my jeans.
***
Ouch. The sunlight from the open doors and windows stung Lindsey's eyes. He was quickly consoled by the feeling of Stevie's breasts against his cheek, and the tickle of her hair on his forehead- they had fallen to sleep on each other after being together for the first time in a while. He glimpsed the time on the clock across the room. Shit. "Stevie, baby?"
"Mpph," she grunted screwing up her eyes, still closed, refusing to accept that she was awake.
"I have to go." She took no time in darting her eyes across him now, a new cool aura hitting him. "What?"
"I have to pick up W-"
"It's fine, go." She was relived. She couldn't bear the thought of him abandoning her for another woman, but she loved his son, even though she looked into his eyes and imagined how they might have looked above her nose. "You're not mad? I'd pretty much understand if you were pissed. Having sex with you, and then leaving, it doesn't make me look great does it?"
"Lindsey..." She ruffled his already messy hair. "We've been together before, we'll be together again...It's just what we are now." She tilted her head, gazing up at him, and his insides lurched in pure adoration for her.
"When is 'again'? We have a song to work on don't you forget!" His eyebrows waggled. She stroked his chest, and kissed his collar bone, "How about Friday?"
"Perfect, like you."
"Shut up." She didn't mean it.
Little did they know that this latest afternoon escapade would change their relationship forever.