What We Are

Sweet Girl

Before I saw only red, I'd seen it. A woman much younger than me half naked, cross legged against Lindsey's pillows. A small smile on her face that conveyed satisfaction. But it wasn't her I cared about, it was him. I rocked Lena against my chest, shushing her as she stirred as if she sensed my fury. He stared at me.
I stared at him. I opened my mouth to speak but there was nothing to say. I turned on the spot, and walked away. Lindsey's feet pounded on the floor behind me and he threw himself on the floor before me. "STEVIE NO. I'M SORRY. I TRIED TO PUSH HER OFF ME I SWEAR. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU." I gave his hands a vacant glance and continued to walk.

Lena was fully awake now, her eyes telling me she was terrified at Lindsey's yells. She began to cry a little. I kissed her head to soothe her. "It's ok baby, ssh," her innocent face was beginning to contort into an expression of fear. "It's nothing to cry over my special girl." Lindsey was still following me, talking at a normal volume. He was sorry he'd upset Lena he said. He loved her, he said. He loved me, he said. He was a piece of shit, he said. He would do anything, he said. He sounded more frightened than our daughter as his pleas went on and on, "Stevie? Steph?" His voice sounded like that of a man begging for his life, which he was. I'd booked a separate, larger room in the hotel to accommodate all three of us, so I headed towards it. When I reached it, I longed to slam the door in his face but I was holding my precious daughter, and the heavy trolley containing our suitcases was waiting for us outside.

I swiped the biometric card to gain entry, and Lindsey followed me with the luggage. "Baby I know...I hate myself...Really I do." His eyes were bloodshot, the skin on his face damp and raw. I looked at anything but him as he simply stood crying. Lena was visibly confused at her father as I placed her on the bed, but she began to giggle as I placed her favourite toy bird beside her from the suitcase. Knowing she was safe meanwhile, in the middle of the huge cushioned bed, I turned back towards Lindsey, looking straight at him now, refusing to speak. His eyebrows drooped and he looked completely hopeless as he gazed at me. I took his wrists into my hands gently and he breathed a sigh of relief. "St-"

I clenched my fingers around him, using all my strength to catapult him towards the ajar door. I had him in the doorway and let go of him. He was begging again. Now I did slam the door. Lena was still safe and happy. I walked slowly to the bathroom and tied my hair back, vomiting in the sink. Returning to the bedroom, I saw Lena sit up as Lindsey's thuds on the door reverberated all around. "Mama?" I placed her on my lap.
"It's just someone practicing the drums, I promise." She smiled and wrapped her hand around my finger, her blue eyes glittering like the jewel of my wedding ring. I played with her until she tired again, and eventually everything went quiet. Placing her in the cot, I undressed, lit some scented candles as was my custom, and slipped into bed. It could almost have been a regular night in. I watched upon my baby daughter as she barely even twitched in her slumber, her young mind an unbeknownst shangri-La while the world around her fell apart. Using my forefinger to monetarily stroke her silky hair, I slipped off to bed.
I threw my head deep into the pillow and screamed out to no one for a long time, my throat burning with every insane release. This could not be happening.

"This is weird...But weird in that it feels so natural." I said from the bed as Lindsey placed his last item of clothing in his new set of drawers opposite my bed. "That's because it's supposed to be." He smiled and came to wrap his arms around my neck,"Plus, you've seen my socks before." I relaxed a little into his protective hold.
"You know what I mean baby."
"Oh I do." He kissed my earlobe,"But why are you so tense?"
"This just doesn't feel real," I admitted.
"I'm never going to hurt you again you know. Not like before."
"I trust you."
"Thank-you."
"But I don't trust myself."
"You can learn to."

I could barely breath. I should have trusted only myself.

"It's ok angel. They're at peace." He said so softly to me as the material of the shoulder of his shirt became steadily saturated by my tears. I felt him begin to weep into my hair now and I looked up to stroke the side of his face.

After all the infinite heights of pleasure, and devastating lows we had come through, why would he do this to us now? If I'd not walked in on them, would he have lied to me forever? Were there others? One thing was certain to me- I could never take his word for it.

Dinner was a cool affair without Christine to dissipate the newborn tension, and when I laid the table I saw Lindsey for the first time since our fight in the afternoon. "Talk to me Stephanie", he said biting into his beef and glaring at me.
"What about?" I spooned some purée into Lena's mouth. "Good girl!"
"Tell me what you want me to do. I don't want to hurt you."
"I want you to be happy. If that means being away from me then I'll just have to deal with it. Just remember that you have a five month old daughter."
"Stevie." He whispered seriously, "How could I be happy without you?"

Now he would simply have to find a way.