What We Are

There Was a Heartbeat

"Lindsey?" She said quietly, and I was back in reality.
My mouth had dropped open slightly. I remembered a time before when she had mouthed a similar set of words to me, with the same anxiety in the back of her mind. Things were difficult between us then, and had been for a while, but I was overjoyed. She was fearful to begin with, but her excitement grew. There were never any question of whether we would keep it- it was our child. We transitioned from our recent days apart and screaming rows, to the old simplicity of her leaning on me as we conversed about both the deepest and the trivial in life respectively. I'd place a secure hand on her abdomen as we drifted to sleep after making love every night, though I never got to feel our child kick, nor see it's bright eyes, nor watch it's first steps. She'd chuckle as I fiddled with my guitar and played for her lying down on the bed.

I'd walked into the bathroom after she'd been gone for a strange length of time, to find her with closed eyes, viscous blood staining the apple-white tiles. Redness was sticking to her delicate fingers where she must've looked down with horror before she fell. I wondered why she hadn't called for me, had she even had the time to? I'd sobbed and held her in my arms as I called for an ambulance. "NOW!" I'd demanded with a tremor in my tone. "I CAN'T LOSE HER...I CAN'T LOSE THEM!"

I'd waited as they took our child away as she slept on. I'd squeezed her hand as she woke hours later, disheveled and asking me why we were in a hospital. We'd bawled onto each other as we lay awake past midnight, but I told her again and again that it wasn't her fault and that everything would be ok- we'd be ok. The morning after she left for the studio without me and refused to see me outside of the band for a week. Until one night I'd found her drinking brandy on some seedy guy's lap at the back of a party. I'd yanked her off him and dragged her outside(though not in such a way that I'd hurt her)- to her fury. I'd simply wrapped my arms around her like so many times before, in desperation, feeling her relax into them almost immediately.

"It's ok." I smiled adoringly at her nervous expression as she thumbed the bed sheet, "We're gonna be ok."