A Court of Ash and Necromancy

34. Unfair Trades

Mikael sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the portrait of his mother. There was a shirt balled in his fists. One that smelled like Estelle. Smoke and snowdrops. He couldn't silence the festering thoughts of guilt and rage that ate away at him.

I should've convinced her to wait. I should've come up with another plan. I shouldn't have let her go. The thoughts repeated themselves, over and over again.

"Mikael?" The door creaked open and Thesan poked his head inside. "Rhys and his Inner Circle have arrived."

Mikael didn't reply. He lowered his gaze to the fire on the hearth, watching the flames leap and crackle. He brought Estelle's shirt to his nose, drinking in her scent. When they found Melantha, there wouldn't be a piece of her left for the scavengers to eat. Even becoming crow food was too good a fate for her.

"Come downstairs," Thesan urged. "Your friends are still here. They want to talk to you. I'm sure Seren and Azriel will as well."

Mikael searched for an answer, but found none. It was as if he'd completely lost the ability to speak. Thesan sighed and entered the room, sitting down beside him. He tucked an arm around Mikael's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Mikael," his father whispered soothingly. "I wish I'd been there. I wish there was something we could have done."

What do you think they're doing to her? Do you think she's all right? Do you think they're together or being kept apart? Questions swirled in his head, but Mikael couldn't voice them. His jaw refused to move.

"It wasn't your fault." Thesan tightened his arm around Mikael. "And I don't want you to sit up here thinking it was. This was Estelle's idea. She knew the risks. You did everything you could, and so did she."

"That doesn't make me feel better." The words were barely audible.

Mikael stroked the Bond. He longed to feel Estelle return the gesture. He longed to hear her say something. Do something. Even if the shadows moved... That would be enough. Just something to let him know she was all right.

"Estelle is strong. She's come through a lot. She'll make it through this too."

"And if she doesn't?" Mikael met his father's gaze at last. "If she doesn't make it? What then? What will I..." His voice broke and tears welled up in his eyes. "What will I do? What am I going to do? What can I... How..." Mikael's shoulders shook as he sobbed.

Thesan pulled him into a tight embrace. Mikael hugged him back, letting his wings fall slack on the bed behind him. His blurred gaze swept the room and he cried harder. Their bed. Their room. Their things. Her things. Memories. So many memories. So many hopes. So many dreams. Their future. The Court. Their friends. Their family. A child.

"I can't lose her," Mikael rasped. "I can't. I don't know how to live without her. If she dies...what will I do?" Thesan didn't reply. Mikael hid his face against his father's shoulder. "What am I going to do, Father? I just want to live a peaceful, happy life with my mate. Why can't I have that? Why can't I have her without fearing that someone will take her away from me?"

"I don't have an answer for you," Thesan murmured. "All I know is that the world we live in is unfair and cruel. Those who deserve to be happy often aren't, but I believe that circumstances can change. They can be changed. This is not the end for either of you. You want a future with Estelle? Fight for it. Find her. Find Melantha. We'll end this and bring her home. We'll bring them all home."

Mikael drew in a few steadying breaths. His tears slowed gradually, then ceased falling. Thesan pressed his cheek to Mikael's hair, rubbing one hand on his back gently. Mikael straightened and touched a finger to Umbra. The shadow twitched, but that was the only acknowledgement it gave. Mikael closed his eyes and nodded. "All right."