A Designer's Creation

38. The Nurse

Aware ako kung gaano kahirap mag-nurse ng isang pasyente. When my mother had her first stroke, I tried to take care of her while I was studying. Fourth year high school ako, hindi ko alam kung uunahin ko bang mag-review sa exam o pakainin at paliguan si Mama. Mahirap. Sobrang hirap.

Every night, maiiyak na lang ako sa pagod. Hindi ko ma-digest ang lahat ng inaaral ko kasi walang ibang laman ang utak ko kundi napapagod na 'ko. I was complaining at the back of my mind and was asking why it was happening to me. Hindi mo maiiwasan 'yon e, magtatanong ka kung bakit parang lahat na lang ng galit ng mundo, binabagsak sa 'yo.

That was the time na talagang nanghingi na 'ko ng tulong kay Daddy kasi di ko kayang asikasuhin si Mama nang ako lang. Alam kong hindi niya mahal ang mama ko, and I doubt he ever really loved her like how she was besotted with him as Proserpino de Chavez III. I wasn't even ask him to love her again. All I wanted that time was to lessen the burden I was carrying. At hindi maramot si Daddy sa tulong.

I hated him for having me in this world without my consent, but when I needed him, he was always there. He only wanted me to reach out to him so he could help me if I needed a hand.

He was a good father to me if I were to ask how was he. But never a husband or as a person, I wanted to meet every day.

And now that Tyrone was nursing me, naalala ko na naman si Daddy noong na-stroke si Mama. Hindi kasi niya binisita si Mama noong nagkasakit ito. Namatay si Mama na hindi sila nagkikita. Isa sa dahilan kaya galit din ako kay Daddy. May time kasi siyang alukin akong pumunta sa hacienda o kaya samahan siya during lunch or dinner, pero hindi man lang niya kinumusta ang mama ko kahit minsan lang.

Siguro, dahil na-experience ko kaya inaasahan kong ganoon din ang gagawin ni Tyrone. I mean, I deserved to be left behind. If ever he did habang ganitong mukha akong nilamog na gulay, bakit ako magtataka?

"Did the nurse take your hospital gown off kapag maliligo ka?" he asked while undoing the button of my long-sleeved button-up shirt.

"Kapag si Steven ang nurse, yes. But it was fine with me. He was gentle and he was singing a cute song to me kapag pinaliliguan niya 'ko."

Steven was that gay nurse na palaging nirereklamo sa 'kin si Tyrone kasi naka-haggard nga raw ng beauty kausap.

Ty was done with the buttons, my body was exposed to him again. I glimpsed at his face and all I could see was nothing. No emotions, no hint of sexual tensions in his cold upturned eyes. At some moment while he was slowly removing my shirt off of me, yung mata niya, parang may nakikitang hindi niya gusto at biglang bibigat ang paghinga na ginagawa lang niya kapag nagtitimpi siya ng galit.

"Puwede naman akong maligo mag-isa," mahina kong sinabi at tinagpo niya agad ang tingin ko.

"Enough of that, Cin. Hindi mo kayang mag-isa. I should know." Ibinagsak niya ang pinaghubaran ko sa laundry hamper sa tabi ng toilet sink bago sinunod ang suot kong light wool pants. As much as I wanted to wear at least lacy underwear or cheeky thongs, I couldn't. So all of my underwear right now were comfy or high French cut briefs. Something I know Tyrone would not want to see if he wanted to see something sensually enticing. Para akong kindergarten na inaasikaso kasi papasok na sa school.

"Hindi pa 'ko nakakapag-shave," sabi ko habang sinusundan siya ng tingin patayo nang maayos pagkatapos niyang hubarin ang underwear kong parang panty ng lola.

"No one's asking about it, Cin." Ibinato niya sa hamper ang natitira kong damit saka niya kinuha ang bath cap sa katabi naming sink. Inipon niya ang buhok niya at itinali nang maluwang gamit ang black elastic band bago isinuot sa akin ang transparent cap.

"Mapapagod ka kung araw-araw mo 'tong gagawin," paalala ko agad nang matapos siya sa pag-aayos ng buhok ko para hindi mabasa habang naliligo.

"Mas mapapagod ako kung hindi ako ang gagawa nito. Pati mga hospital staff, nasesermunan ko dahil sa 'yo."