Being Brad's Sister

35. Realisation

Emma's pov

I have barely slept last night, I was awake all night thinking everything through. By everything I mean literally everything. My life, how much it has changed and what I am doing with my life. I may have known what I was doing but I don't think I actually realised properly what I was doing, until now. If that makes any sense. I'm actually scared and nervous and I don't know what to do. I am doubting anything and everything right now.

I have decided that I need to speak to someone and share my feelings, maybe get some advice or help because if I don't then I am going to drive myself crazy trying to think about what I am going to do. There again there is the problem of who do I speak to. I cannot speak to Dad because although I know he'll support me, if he knows I am having doubts then he'll say that it is too soon or the wrong decisions or whatever and he may try to persuade me from moving in with the lads; if I speak to Brad then he will think that things are moving too soon and he will think that I don’t want to move in with him or the lads and he might tell the boys then everyone will think I am having doubts about living with them. The only people I can think of that I can tell is Jayna and Zoey but I don't want them to say 'you need to speak to the lads'. That is the phrase I am trying to avoid because then I will be back to square one and I don't want that, I just want advice or someone to tell me that I am being stupid or something.

It is half past eight and I am dressed, I have been for a while now. I text Jayna and Zoey to see if they are awake. Luckily I receive a text back a few minutes later from both of the girls saying that they are awake so I arrange to meet them around Zoey's. I rush to the toilet to make sure I am all good before I go then I leave the house with the thoughts clouding my mind.

They will understand won't they? I mean they are my best friends, if anybody is likely to understand and help me than it will be them because that is what friends are for. We've helped each other in the past and this isn't much different is it? Yes it is a bigger decision but it isn't that bad.

When I arrive at Zoey's I find that Jayna is already there which is to be expected really because she does live slightly closer to Zoey then I do. We get pulled upstairs into Zoey's room and I flop on her bed. She has a double bed which is so comfortable to lie on. 

"So what is the problem then?"

"Can I not just enjoy this moment with your bed Zo?"

"Stop loving my bed, sit up and share the situation." Zoey laughs. I sigh and sit up facing the girls who are sitting side my side watching me.

"Okay so I am having doubts. I think the realisation of life has only just hit me and I don't know what to do. I was awake most of the night thinking about my life and how much it has changed and everything. I've only just realised that mum and dad have broken up and I feel like it is my fault and I have split my family up. Then there is the Brad and me situation. I never fly off the handles like that at Brad I've started becoming really stressed and snappy and I don’t know why but I don’t know if it was because of mum pressuring me all of the time. Then there is the actual moving situation. When Brad suggested it, I loved the idea and now I am actually thinking of what could go wrong. Obviously I have lived with Brad all of my life because he is my brother but I am really close to Connor and Tristan and I don't want to do anything that could ruin our friendship and I don't know if moving in with them could cause something. Then there is James. We are good friends and we are dating so moving in together is like taking the relationship to another level and I don't know if I am ready for that yet." I sigh realising how much of a mess my life is.

“Wow you’re in a bit of a muddle aren’t you?” Jayna laughs.

“This isn’t funny you know what this is like.”