Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Ten

When I get home I walk into the house and head straight to my bedroom. Taya is at work so the house is deafeningly quiet. I head straight to my ensuite and turn the shower onto high. I strip off to nothing and place myself under the hot stream. I let the boiling water crash down over my body, in hopes that it washes all remnants of last night down the drain so I never have to think about it ever again. I stay under the water letting my skin become bright red...

  I hate him. I hate that he pushed me to talk. I hate that he got to me the way he did. How he got me opening up about my sister and how he just sees right through me. I hate that he can see how broken I am and still pushes to know me. I hate the way his hands and lips feel on my skin and how he knew my body better than I do! I hate how he fucked me so slowly, it wasn't even fucking, it was different, passionate. Making lov... Eh!! I fucking hate him. I hate him so much... I just, I hate, I hate that I don't even fucking hate him... but now I've hurt him and I fucking hate myself for that...

My body slumps to the floor. My knees instinctively come up and press hard against my chest. Hot tears prick the corner of my eyes and my head becomes to heavy to balance on my neck. I place my forehead in my hands.

Fuck.

I'm not sure how long I sit there but it feels like a while. My brain moves over the possibility of ever seeing Carter again and a mix of anger and heartache moves through me. I already miss him but also want to punch him.

  What the hell have I done.

After what seems like hours the shower begins to feel far too crowded with me and all my thoughts. My skin is numb and I've become exhausted. I pull myself to my feet and drag my wrinkled body out of the glass cage, turning off the water as I step onto the bath mat. I wrap myself in a towel and approach my dresser in a desperate attempt to find some clothes and pull them on as quickly as I can. I feel way more exposed than I can handle right now... and that's not just because I'm naked...

  I choose mindlessly, an oversized black t-shirt with the words 'sad girls club' printed on the back and a pair of ripped dark blue skinny jeans. Seems fitting... I laugh a little psychotically at myself. I'm going crazy in my overthinking, exhausted state. I climb onto my bed and curl up into the tightest, smallest ball I can. I need to hide from the world and all this shit in my head. I close my eyes tight in hopes my body will hurry up and give in to the fatigue. It finally does...

Mmm silence.

-

*Ding Ding*

I'm woken to the sound of my phone receiving a text, I feel groggy and sweaty. I lean over and pick it up, 'Hey Dude, meet you at Starbucks tomorrow morning before Uni? Quarter past 8?'.

Ehh! Ben you woke me, fuck you.

  'Yeah sure, see you then. x', I reply.

I roll back over and let the darkness of my sleep take me away again.

At around 6pm Taya arrives home from work and comes in to wake me with Chinese food.

  "Bitch, get up, I brought dinner", she says tapping me.

  I roll over and follow her into the kitchen and take a seat at the dining table.

  Today she's got her long blonde hair pulled into a high curled pony and as always shes dressed in her perfectly chosen work attire looking completely badass in all her sophisticated femininity.

  "Thanks for dinner".

  "No worries, I was craving it all day. Soo how was your night last night?", she smirks at me, waiting for me to dish the dirty details like I usually would after spending an entire night at a guys house. "You slept over so it must have been good!?", she presses excitedly.

  "It was...", Fuck I was trying to avoid thinking about it... "...Amazing". I answer far more truthfully than I intended.

"OKAY WHATS GOING ON?", Taya asks, slightly worried but also intrigued into what's happening to her usually heartless bestfriend.

  "So... I went to Bens last night...", I start.

"OH MY GOD YOU SLEPT WITH BEN!?", she asks both horrified and intrigued, "I knew it would have been only a matter of time!".

"Oh my fucking god, no that's disgusting!! Ben is like a big brother to me... except... well... I slept with Ben's actual brother... his fraternal twin... And they're completely different and nothing like my usual choice of guy... Ben introduced us at Uni yesterday and then one thing led to another and yeah...".

  Taya's mouth looks as if it's hit the floor.

  "Um what?".

  "I know, and like he's really cool and really sweet and everything", I continue, trailing off and dropping my head, replaying what had happened between Carter and I before I left this morning in my mind.

  "So what's wrong?", Taya asks, placing a hand on my forearm.

  "Nothing... I mean...", I lift my head and take a mouthful of my rice, pondering over what to even say... "No nothing... I mean he's really fucking good in bed and easy to talk to and have a laugh with it's just... he's so nice! And you know me, I don't do nice and I especially don't do relationships Taya... Not since you know... he's fucked me up royally. I just can't get to close".

  Taya sighs, she knows I'm right... She was there for the worst of what happened. She watched me go from a shell of a woman to where I am today... And three years later, I'm still fighting the demons that piece of shit beat into me...

  "Maybe just try being his friend? He's Ben's brother after all and it's highly unlikely you won't be able to dodge him forever. And hey, if you get a cheeky bang here and there then what's the harm?", Taya is trying to make this whole thing lighthearted but I guess I could be friends with Carter... If he will even speak to me again...