Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Five

I drive home in silence. I even made the conscious decision to turn the stereo off, which isn't like me. But right in that moment I welcome the sound of the nothingness that fills my car.

  I just don't know what the fuck just happened... Why the fuck did I run when he kissed me? I'd imagined kissing him serval times already today, right from the moment Ben introduced us this morning... I'd just pictured it would have been a lot more like I'm used to and right before we fucked... and not anything like that!

  Oh fuck, he really kissed me, like really really kissed me... My hand snaps up and I run my finger tips along my lips.

  Fuck Amelia snap out of it!

You don't do strings! And a kiss like that... a guy like that!!... strings!!... a lot of them!!... attached!!...

ALL.OVER!!

  Fuck, I'm so fucking confused.

I pull into the driveway, hitting the remote to open the door and drive into the garage. Once the car is in park and the ignition is off, I place my head on the steering wheel and inhale deeply. It feels like I've been holding my breath since I left the Uni car park. I take another deep breath and try focusing on filling my lungs with much needed oxygen.

What is happening!?

I can feel a panic attack hovering at the surface... I inhale deeply again like I can't get enough air in at once...

*Ding Ding*

I don't know how long I've been sitting in my car, in the dark, in the garage but the sound and light of my phone pulls me back to reality. I sigh. I just can't wrap my head around what's happening right now.

  I glance down at my phone, 'Hey Bitch, changed my mind about seeing that guy so I'm heading home, have you eaten? Xx', it's Taya, I swear she knows exactly when I need her.

'Hey, nah I haven't but did you wanna get drunk? Lol x'.

  *Ding Ding*

Taya replies almost immediately, 'First day that bad huh? xx'.

  'You have no fucking idea', I hit send and place my head back on its spot on the steering wheel.

  Amelia get yourself together, you're being pathetic. This doesn't change anything. He's just another fucking guy!

"But he's so cute. And sweet. And genuine", the soft part of my conscious chimes in with her unwanted commentary.

Why the fuck am I arguing with myself, in the dark, in my car?

  Maybe I should just sleep with him and get it over and done with, then all this shit will go away...? But I can't really do that to him... Can I...? I mean it's not really about him! I should probably just stay away! He's Ben's brother as well! But who am I kidding, I'm not going to be able to do that either, especially after what just happened... I'll never have a real future with him though! How could I!? He's too good for me!

  Alright! I'm going around in circles here! I really am pathetic! I just need him out of my head! I need to just get him out of my system! Feelings off. In fact! There was never any feelings! How could there be? We just met!

Feeling a little impressed with myself and my ability to hold down a panic attack and turn everything emotional off, I get out of the car make my way into the house.

  Robotically, I put my bag and keys on the dining table and make my way into the kitchen before retrieving a wine glass from the top cupboard. I open the fridge, pull out a bottle of 'The Vines, Reserve Label', and take the lid off. I fill the glass not even an inch before having a change in thought and placing the bottle to my lips. The coldness of the glass bottle on my mouth is refreshing, soothing almost but the wine coming out of it however, isn't quite as satisfying.

"I fucking hate wine", I say in disgust out loud.

I down what little liquid was in my glass and place the bottle back in the fridge. I need to shower.

-

I stand in my ensuite, steam fogging the mirror, feeling a little better than I did before I showered and washed away today's events and mood. I'm more on board with my decision on what to do with Carter as well. My heads clearer.

  First thing's first, get into someone else's bed and get him out of my head.

That's not a toxic choice what so ever!

I sigh at myself.

Pathetic.

Once my hair is wrapped in a towel, I lift my phone and send a message to one of my usual 'cuddle buddies' for a 'catch up' later tonight.

  'Late night coffee? 😉', I type and hit send.

  Before I even place my phone back on the bathroom counter it vibrates.

  Aaron must be keen.

  But when I look down to see that the text I'd just received wasn't from Aaron but from a number I don't recognise.

  'Hey, I hope this isn't weird. I got your number from Ben and just wanted to say I'm sorry for kissing you, it was out of a line. I never intended to make you uncomfortable. I don't know what came over me. I would really like to get to know you though... I can't stop thinking about you. Carter x'.

  FUCK OFF.

  Everything I had suppressed over the last two hours comes up and begins to rise and boil over. This conflict I'm battling inside myself is going to send me into a spiral. I can't let myself fall for the nice guy, I'll destroy him. He couldn't handle what's inside my head. He deserves some nice normal girl.

Fuck.

Why did he have to text me?

Fuck you Carter.

  I guess we're going to have to change my game plan and resort back to plan A - sleeping with him.

'Hey, it's not weird! Sorry about earlier, you just caught me by surprise... Can I come over? -A x'.

  *Ding Ding*

His reply is quick, as if he was waiting for mine.

'Of course. My address is 28/26 Western Ave, Chermside, Apartment 410. Are you okay?'.

'Yeah I'm fine. I'll be there in half an hour. See you soon xx', I reply.

  *Ding Ding*

'Awesome, just buzz when you get here and I'll let you up xx'.