Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Fifty

  I have a headache and my eyes burn from crying.

After reading Carter's letter I've laid here, on my bed and I've cried silently. My eyes have been focused up and I've stared at the ceiling for at least another few hours. The longer I stare at it the more it starts to look different. Shapes that aren't there begin to form and move and I'm unsure if I've actually even blinked this entire time. My mouth is ajar slightly and the tears that have run down each side of my face have soaked the pillow beneath my head.

  Eh...

  How the fuck did I get to this exact point? I honestly thought I had everything figured out...

  Well I did... I'm sure I did...

  Before him...

Before he tried to fix me and show me what real love is...

  I didn't need that...

I was quite happy before he came along...

  Wasn't I?

I think the hardest part about all this is knowing how badly I fucked it up and getting to a point where he's had to say goodbye to be free of me...

  I'm mourning a relationship I never really had but also never really gave a chance...

If things were different, if I was normal, Carter would be joining me on my flight up to Hervey Bay, to my Mum's this afternoon. It would be for very different reasons as well. Happy reasons. But my head is still filled with the same darkness I've tried to suppress for years.

  I've severely fucked up any chance of us ever working... As I knew I would. It's the only thing I'm good at. Ruining anything good that comes into my life.

  "Meels?", Taya calls from the other side of my bedroom door as she knocks lightly on the wood.

Taya's interruption drags me back to reality and away from the pity party of one I've been wallowing in. I try to swallow the pool of salvia in my mouth but my throat is still dry. Trying to swallow it feels like I'm eating chalk.

UGH!...

  "Yeah? You can come in.", I call back softly, my voice strained from the swelling and the desert in my throat.

  Taya opens the door cautiously before entering my room, walking towards me and taking a seat on my bed.

  "You need to pack", she says looking down at me sympathetically while brushing a damp strand of hair off my forehead.

  "Yeah I know", I groan out as I drag my pained body from the comfort of my bed covers.

Taya crouch's down next to my bed and pulls my suitcase out from under it. She places it where she had been sitting and unzips the large wrap around zipper before she starts to help me pack.

  I'm not sure how long I'm going to be away for but we aimlessly, in silence, grab at my clothes and pack them neatly into my case without paying attention to what and how much we're actually packing.

  When we're done, Taya wheels it out of my room while I take a shower.

  The hot water soothes my cheeks and eye lids as it cascades over my puffy post cry face. The tiny cuts that cover my body become very apparent as it hits my shoulders and falls over the skin of my body.

The sound of the water crashing on and around me silences everything else. The gentle hum fills my ears and numbs any voice or thought.

At least for the moment...