Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Twenty Six

I sit in silence, holding Carter's hands. I'm still trying to recover from retelling such a painful and repressed memory.

  He reaches up and strokes my face, "I hate that he did that to you", he says cupping my cheek.

  I lean into his palm, feeling his warmth against my skin.

  "Do you have nightmares of him... Of that night... often?", he questions me gently.

  "Only when I'm spiralling", I whisper, admitting honestly.

  "My head... It's fucked Carter. My Father left me, the only man I've ever been in a serious relationship with and have everything to, completely destroyed me... The things he did to me...", I shudder, "The way he made me feel... it ignited some deep, fucked up shit internally... I was already self conscious... Anxious... Lonely... He broke me down physically and mentally...", I take a breath and sigh hard, feeling the words I don't even want to admit to myself claw their way out of my throat.

  "All of this made me hateful Carter. I turned to alcohol and parting all the time. I started sleeping around, seeking validation from strangers so I didn't feel like I was damaged goods... I wanted to feel wanted... Then once I'd have my fix I'd flip and treat them like shit to make myself feel even better...", the tears burn my eyelids. I'm not sure I've stopped crying completely since we got out of the shower...

  "I wake up every morning and hate that the sun rose and that I rose along with it... I hate when people are happy and kind for no reason... I'm full of anger and over the last few years I don't even need anything to be angry about, I just wake up angry. Angry at myself, my father, that piece of shit who invades my dreams, the world for still turning...".

  Carter pulls me into his lap. My head finds the crook of his neck and rests there. His arms fold around my numbingly aching body as the soft sobs fall from my lips.

  Part of me wants to tell Carter to get the fuck out... To protect myself from him ever being able to use what I've just told him against me. I've bared it all and I want to hate him for making me vulnerable. I want to hate him because I've allowed myself to trust him... But the safety and soothing feeling of his body against mine shuts that part up.

  Carter kisses my forehead.

  "I don't want to be angry anymore Carter... When I'm with you the darkness seems to subside for a moment... Ironically, that made me kind of angry to begin with...", I try to laugh through my tears but he stays silent.

  "But you make me want to see life differently, to allow myself to be happy...", I can feel the steady rise and fall of his chest but with the position of my head I can no longer see his face to read it.

"But I'm afraid I'll hurt you... For real this time... I'm afraid that the darkness will never truely go away no matter how much I let you in and eventually it'll consume you too".

  I pull my head up to look up at him, his face is pulled tight. Sadness and sorrow sit deep within the creases of his forehead and features of his face.

  "Please say something?", I beg in an almost whisper, my salty tears drying on my face making the skin stiffen slightly.

  Carter clears his throat, "Sorry, I'm just trying to find the words... ", his voice is drenched with confusion.

  Fuck, he's going to leave and honestly why wouldn't he. He's seen how ugly inside my head is. He's seen a glimpse into my past and the things that eat away at me and he's getting ready to bounce.

  I fucking knew it!

  "I knew you'd get scared!", I yell as I jump up from his lap and off the bed, "I knew my past and the darkness... the darkness that is in here!..". I put my hands in my hair, pulling at it from my scalp, I'm angry and hurt.