Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Twenty Five

  After our shower, when we're dressed and seated on my bed, Carter turns to face me.

  I'm searching for the strength and confidence to tell him everything. Before he can speak my mouth opens and everything seems to flow out.

"When I was eighteen I had my first serious boyfriend, his name was Jed", I begin. His name tastes like vinegar on my tongue and I fight the urge to gag when I say it.

  "At the beginning it was a super intense whirlwind. He was the lead in a local band, I was sort of their groupie. We'd be at his gigs every weekend, drinking, partying.", Carter shifts uncomfortably but listens quietly and attentively as I continue.

  "It was fun... to begin with... the parties, the gigs, the rockstar type, fast paced lifestyle... I had obvious daddy issues, still do apparently", I confess out loud unintentionally before clearing my throat to continue.

  "I had no self esteem and was developing body dysmorphia... I was an easy target... So suddenly having this seemingly amazing guy, who was a bit older than me, in a band and completely besotted with me was such a rush... It felt good... To be wanted by someone like him... At the time it did anyways... I thought that kind of obsession was normal...", I shrug. "I didn't know any better then."

Carter listens to me describe this mans infatuation with me and I can tell he hates it. I do as-well, trust me...

  "I was young and naive and it was clear I really thought we were in love with one another but we weren't... I was seeking some kind of fucked up validation and he wanted a woman, well essentially a girl... To control...".

"He started getting into drugs... I tried some... weed was a go to... then coke mostly... but I left that for the weekends... at the parties.", I admit my old habits, keeping my eyes low in case Carter is judging my past decisions... Even though I know he's not the kind to do so...

  " I started going to Tafe not long after we started seeing each other, I was also working as a waitress at a cafe. So I was meeting heaps of people, working loads and studying. I was really trying to better myself. Jed hated all of this. Hated that I had a part of my life that didn't involve him. Then he eventually started using almost every day, anything he could get his hands on he'd take. I'd get home from Tafe or work and he'd be cooked out of his skull and drunk most of the days. That's when the yelling really started, the name calling, degrading me, then the breaking shit. My shit usually...". I gulp down the lump in my throat that I hadn't noticed had formed. I haven't spoken about any of this to anyone besides Taya and Colton. I've kept it buried, allowing it to eat me alive for years...

"I'd always be in trouble for one thing or another and was constantly walking on eggshells so I didn't set him off. Then came the day that he hit me... the first time anyways", I say cringing at the memories.

  Carter coughs hard like he choked on his saliva, he clears his throat and seems to be fighting something internally but nods for me to continue.

  "I eventually had to give up my job. I'd constantly be calling in sick because he'd lose it and accuse me of cheating and shit so I couldn't go, scared of what would happen if I did...". I take a deep breath, this is so fucking hard.

  Hot tears begin to fall from the corners of my eyes and Carter takes hold of my hands.

  "You don't have to keep going if you don't want to okay?", he assures me, wanting to make sure I know he isn't forcing me to speak.

  And as much as this is so fucking hard, it's partly freeing. Allowing this incredibly gentle, kind man hear of my past, so I keep going...

"Over the last three months or so of our relationship, things got progressively worse. I had to stop going to my Tafe campus and had to admit all my assessments online and do video classes and shit because he couldn't handle me being away from him and around other people. If I ever went to class on campus, I'd get home and he'd start on me... Then I'd get a smack for 'talking back' or defending myself... Nothing major just like the back of my head or he'd throw me down or something", I say shrugging, taking the severity of his abuse away as if it didn't effect me...

  Except it did..

  "Any negative physical contact is major Amelia... Why didn't you leave?", Carter asks me, his eyes a mixture of anger and sadness.

  "Because, I had nowhere to go... I had moved in with him a few months after we started dating because Mum and Ria moved to Hervey Bay and I'd been accepted to Tafe here and needed somewhere to live. It was my first relationship... I was young... I was broke... I was already struggling with my mental health... Taya and Colton had no idea what was going on either. Jed was so kind when other people were around... And then they just thought I'd stopped going to gigs because I'd got busy with Tafe... It wasn't until that night, the one I dreamt of again...", I swallow, my mouth is dry and my eyes sting. I'm trying to talk about something that I don't ever want to remember, the tears fall harder.

  "You know none of what happened to you is your fault right?", Carter says as he watches me fall apart in front of him.

  "Amelia... if it's to much you can stop. Stop at anytime okay?", he says while using the pad of his thumb to catch my tears.

  "No I need to, I've never told anyone any of this...", I say through sobs.

  "I'm so sorry this happened to you and thank you for trusting me with it", he replies.

  He leans towards me and kisses my forehead.

I gather myself and take a sip of the stale water from yesterday that is sat on my side table.

  "That night, when he got home from a gig, I was watching a movie, I was no longer allowed to attend the gigs by this stage. He was off his head as usual and had some other girls makeup all over his face and clothes when he walked in. I said hello but didn't initiate a conversation. I wasn't going to say anything about the makeup to avoid a fight, especially in the state he was in but when he started telling me about how they fucked in the club bathroom and how much better than me she was we began to argue... And to be honest I didn't really care that he'd fucked someone else. I was kind of relieved actually... But that only made things worse and lead to a huge fight. The names he called me... Things he said...", I pause, reliving the moment over in my head and still feeling the sting of Jed's words as fresh as they were that night.

  "I eventually told him we were over and went to our bedroom to pack my shit. He stormed in behind me and grabbed one of my wrists, twisting and pulling at it... To both of our surprise I retaliated... I closed my fist and hit him... Smacked him straight up the side of his face... He was in complete shock... I mean so was I, I'd never really fought back until then... He let my wrist go and I fell to the floor thinking I'd finally shown him and that he'd finally leave me alone...", I take a deep breath and swallow hard.

  "Then he just... he... he just... just snapped...", my mind begins to numb and my tears suddenly dry as I recall what happened next.

"He beat the shit out of me. Fractured my eye socket, busted my lips, tore the skin off my face", I point at the faint scaring on my bottom lip and just below my eyebrow. They're old and can be covered by makeup these days but they're still a constant reminder of that night.

  "We fought for a while and I gave it everything I had but eventually I lost the will to keep fighting. I was exhausted and my whole body ached. The cocktail of drugs and rage made him strong and eventually I just accepted the fact that he was going to kill me", my statement comes out blunt but stabs both Carter and I sharply in the chest.

  "He seemed to run out of steam just after that, when I'd completely given up fighting back and then he just stopped. He let go of the fist full of my hair that he was holding my lifeless body up with and looked at me. I watched the lights come back on in his soulless eyes... I think that's when he realised what he'd done and then he freaked out... He picked me up and started kissing me, apologising, telling me he loved me... all that fucked shit to try and keep me codependent.", I say the last sentence with disgust as if the words taste bad coming out of my mouth.

  "I could barely move and eventually I just passed out. When I woke up, he was gone and I was still on the bedroom floor in a pool of my own blood. I crawled to my phone and I called Taya. Her and Colton came and got me".

"Did you press charges?", Carter asks, still trying to wrap his head around everything I've just confessed to him.

  Painful tears pool in my eyes again, threatening to spill down my face.

  "I couldn't in the end. He was so off his face when he left, he lost control of his car and rolled it across the free way... He wrote it off completely and took himself with it".