Life & Love of the Tormented

Sixty Eight

  "Hey", Carter says softly.

  "I'll leave you two, to it", Ria says smiling behind him before shutting the door and leaving him inside my room.

  He looks tired. His hair isn't done, the bags under his eyes are dark and heavy and he clearly threw on the nearest pair of sweat pants and t-shirt he could find because he looks a little homeless.

Surprisingly still sexy though. Even if he was a fucking asshole last night.

  "What are you doing here?", I croak out again.

  Carter steps forward, dropping his bag by the door and taking a seat at the end of my bed.

  He turns and looks at me. His tired eyes searching my face which is slowly scrunching with growing confusion.

"Amelia...", he begins. "I'm so sorry for how I acted last night... It's no excuse but I was drunk and.."

  I climb out of bed abruptly. "And what? Because I acted like a CUNT in the past you thought you'd do it back to me?", I spit. The anger I suppressed last night surfaces without warning.

  Fuck... STAY CALM AMELIA!

  Carter flinches as each word rolls off my tongue. Like bullets they hit him and his face drops further with every syllable.

My heart breaks as I watch my outburst hurt him but as usual I can't seem to stop myself once I've started.

  "Amelia... Please...", Carter begs in whispers. "Let me explain... I'm sorry.. I..."

  "You what!?", I snap again.

I feel an ache in my chest when his head drops and he looks down at his hands resting in his lap.

  "I... We.. We found out my Mum is sick yesterday...", he breathes out.

  "What?"

  "She... She has... She has terminal cancer...", he says barely able to speak the words out loud.

  All the anger I was harbouring moments ago dissipates into thin air taking every ounce of oxygen I had in my lungs with it. My throat dries instantly and a wave of guilt floods over me. I stand frozen. Paralysed. I don't know what to say.

  "That you're sorry for being a cunt again?", my conscience checks me.

  Fuck.

  "Carter...", I whisper.

  "I got drunk last night because I don't know how to process any of this shit", he says, his voice completely deflated.

   "Carter.. I.. I'm.. so..", I begin.

  "How!? How can I?", he continues as if he was alone in the room. "I was with her all of the Sunday afternoon and she looks perfectly healthy on the outside. I just don't understand... How can someone who's been given only months to live look so perfectly normal?", his voice cracks as he speaks and tears slowly flood his eyes and down his cheeks.

  "I'm so sorry", I whisper.

  "Don't apologise...", Carter says becoming present again. "You had no idea Amelia and I did act like an asshole to you last night and I'm the one that should be sorry..."

I really don't deserve his kindness right now.

  "It's okay", I whisper again, meaning every ounce of my words. How could I possibly be upset with him? His heart has just been crushed again right in front of me, just not at my hands this time.

  "I'm just so mixed up with Mum and so worried I'm going to lose you for good..."

  I begin to speak but Carter stands and speaks over me. Looking me in the eye, his voice desperate.

  "You keep me at arms length Amelia. You're so afraid of getting hurt when honestly I'd give my own life to make sure you wouldn't.", he says, pouring his heart out before turning away from me and walking toward the large window.

  I rush toward him and wrap my arms tightly around his torso from behind. Scrunching the fabric of his t-shirt at his chest. Tears prick my eyes and a lump in my throat forms hard.

  "I'm sorry Carter...", is all the words I can seem to get out. It means so much more than just I'm sorry though. What I really want to say is, I'm sorry for acting like a complete cunt, I'm sorry for making everything so hard and fucked. I'm sorry I keep fucking everything up and hurting you. I'm sorry your Mum is sick. Oh my fucking god am I sorry your Mum is sick. I'm just so sorry... For everything... But for some fucked up reason I've lost all ability to speak. I just stand there, holding his back hard against my face and chest.

His tears drip from his eyes onto my hands and my own tears begin to soak the back of his shirt.

  "You're not going to lose me", I whisper into his hair at the base of his neck. "No matter how hard I try I can't ever be without you again", I admit. "I love you Carter".

He turns in my arms so we're now facing one another. Our eyes meet. His are red and puffy from crying. Fatigue and sadness is the only thing you can see across his beautiful features.

My heart is breaking to see him like this but I find myself falling deeper in love with him right at this moment. He's so raw and open with emotion. He's baring everything to me. Not hiding an ounce of what he's feeling.

My hands cup his face. My thumbs stroke each cheek in an attempt to dry his hot tears that continue to flow. I push myself up onto my tip toes and press my lips gently against his.

I wish I could take his pain away. The pain I've caused him and the pain of having a terminally ill parent. All of it.

  "I wish I could take your pain away Carter", I whisper softly.

His hands fist my top at my lower back. He pulls me closer so my chest is now hard against his.

"It's okay", I say against his lips.

He kisses me harder. His tears wetting the skin of both our faces. He begins to deepen the kiss desperately like he needs my lips to breath.

I pull my face away from his. Our eyes lock instantly.

"What can I do?", I whisper to him.

"I just need you", he croaks out.

We stand looking at each other for a beat. A book of unspoken words hang in the air between us. I know he wants to get lost into nothingness so his mind can be distracted. He wants a break. A moment away from reality where he doesn't have to think or feel.

My hands snake the back of Carter's neck. I tug slightly so his head drops down onto my shoulder. His neck becoming arched slightly and nakedly exposed to me.

I slowly run my tongue lightly from the base of his neck where his collar bone meets, up until I reach the lobe of his ear.

"I can help you forget", I whisper seductively into his ear before sinking my teeth into his skin.